I Shouldn't Be Here

Note: Written last April whilst ignoring all of the people in the hotel room at State Forensics. --Based off of characters from my Even Angel's Fall/My Bitterness (egad! That seems forever ago!).

I Shouldn’t Be Here

Devin looked blankly at Ray, confused, “What...what do you mean? Are you breaking up with me?”
Ray sighed, and turned away toward the window. Devin was right -it was a shock. They had been fine yesterday, and they had been fine for the last four years... but that was just it -they had just been fine. And yes, Ray loved him! He loved Devin more then he could ever imagine...but lately...nothing was happening anymore. Nothing ever happened anymore.
“Ray, don’t turn away from me! You aren’t answering me. Think about this, what you’re doing!”
“I know what I’m doing Devin.” Ray turned to look at him. “I love you, and that isn’t ever going to stop, but I can’t do this with you anymore.”
“Do what?” Devin asked. “When did this all start? I don’t understand!”
“It’s me, Dev. I need a break.”
“Well then tell me to move out, don’t break up with me!”
“I’m sorry Dev!” Ray moved to leave the room, but Devin wasn’t about to let him go so easily. “Is this what you really want to do?”
“Yes. Yes it is.”
Devin nodded. No tears. A quick heartbreaking. Maybe that made it easier to nod and respond curtly, “Fine.” He moved first, whipping around and slamming out of the apartment.
“Devin!” Ray called after him, but to no avail. His voice only fell on dead ears now. He was alone, which was a change. But he had kept a secret from Devin -one that may come back to bite him in the ass later.

Devin returned to the apartment later when he knew that Ray would be out, nearly a week later. He also knew that he could take his time. Ray, being a teacher, kept pretty regular hours, but it was a Wednesday, so he also had soccer practice to take care of. He’d have the apartment to himself for the rest of the afternoon.
He started out innocently enough, packing up his own things into a suitcase, but on the third suitcase out to his car...he paused in front of Ray’s bedroom door. For the three years they had been living together -ever since Dylan had graduated (and the danger of Ray losing his job had disappeared), they hadn’t even really shared a room. Maybe that was part of what had bothered Ray? He was always trying to get Dylan to stay, after copulation...but Dylan never had. For four years, even before moving in together, he’d stay until he felt Ray’s arms relax around him before slipping out of bed, and padding either to the couch (back in the old days), or to his own room... It wasn’t that he didn’t like being in Ray’s arms either. In fact, it was rather comfortable, and after he left, he always (always) felt kind of empty...like he was missing something... Maybe it was deliberate self-punishment. Maybe he had subconsciously relished the empty feeling.
He didn’t notice that he was stretched out across Ray’s bed until a few moments later, breathing in the fresh sent of Ray’s sheets -the sheets that smelled like Rose’s special laundry detergent and Ray’s cologne.
And suddenly he was angry at Ray. Not for breaking his heart, kicking him out (not that he really had), but for having his mother still do his laundry! He was angry at Ray for being perfect that everything he did -teaching, coaching, getting through to Lawrence... Angry at him for being so kind, and sweet not only as a person, but as lover.
Suddenly, he was off of the bed, standing at the stereo in the corner, flipping through the CD’s looking for Ray’s coveted Johnny Cash CD. Even though he didn’t particularly care for it, he put it in, and moved on to the small bathroom off Ray’s bedroom. He could hear Johnny’s old warbling voice as he stripped out of his jeans, and his t-shirt, tossing them haphazardly around the room before stepping into the steaming shower.
Ray was all around him -his shampoo, his soap, his slick razor.
The silver caught Devin’s eyes. He hadn’t cut himself in years. He had gone through therapy, and had established a support group of family and friends... Without thinking, he threw the razorblade across the room into the toilet. Tears were streaming down his face, for no real reason. Once the body-jerking sobs had stopped, he moved on, lathering his short hair with Ray’s expensive salon shampoo -using more then he probably needed too... then the soap -the cedar-wood smelling soap that they had found together at boutique down the street one day when they were wandering.
The tears started again, as Devin toweled himself off, dressing again in fresh clothes -this time clothes from Ray’s dresser. The jeans were a little baggy, and the sweater he had picked out came just to his finger tips, and cried harder, finding Ray’s cologne on his dresser, and spritzing a bit on his throat, wallowing his pity in the scent of his ex-lover.
Time suddenly occurred to him, and for a moment, he went back to his packing, still in Ray’s over-sized clothing. It wasn’t until one of the last boxes was in the car that he noticed the envelope and letter sitting neatly on the counter in the kitchen nook, and he took a moment to glance at it.

Ray-love,
I miss you, love! Meet me at Midnight in our spot! Dinner at the docks, and a stroll along the beach. I’m looking forward to seeing you again Ray-love.
-J

Devin looked at the note blankly before putting it back, not caring if it wasn’t the way it was before, changing out of Ray’s clothing, and back into his own, leaving Ray’s clothing in a pile on his bed, before walking out of the apartment without looking back.

____________________
Note: I couldn't just leave it at that, obviously, so when I found this back in September, I wrote some more.

I Shouldn’t Be Here, pt. 2

Ray unlocked the door to the apartment about fifteen minutes after Devin had left. The first thing he noticed was the letter on the table was open. He sighed.
“Devin? You still here, man?” He called, dropping his bag by the table, and moving towards their bedrooms, “Look, about the letter…it’s just Jason being funny…I didn’t think you would mind if we… Devin?” He pushed the door to Devin’s former bedroom open. He swallowed hard. The room was empty. The closet was swung open, a couple of spare hangers still swinging from when Devin had left them. The dresser drawers were all partly open, displaying a vast emptiness. The bed had been stripped down to bare mattress. All of Devin’s posters and odds-and-ends were gone. Never before had the room looked so depressing.
“…Devin?” He moved towards his own room, pushing open the door. The first thing that caught his eye where his clothes laying on his bed in a pile. He bit his lip, ignoring them for the time being, before pushing open the otherwise closed door to the bathroom. The tub was damp, his shampoo open, his soap still sudsy. And his razor was in the toilet. He wasn’t really sure if that was a good sign or a bad sign. There wasn’t any blood, so he was going to take it as a good sign. There wasn’t any blood though, so he was going to assume that it had been thrown as to not pose temptation. He took a deep breath before fishing it out, and setting it on the edge of the sink. Then he went back to his bedroom, and picked up the sweater and jeans from his bed, folding them nicely and replacing them in his closet and dresser.

“So, what’s your deal? What’s the matter?” Jason, Ray’s ex-boyfriend from college –the boyfriend he had been with when he had started seeing Devin as more then his student, prodded him in the shoulder as they ate dinner late that night at a seafood place on the docks.
“I broke up with Devin… He was pretty upset about it. He moved out today.”
“What?” Jason titled his head. “What are you taking about, why would you break up with him?”
“I don’t know. It seemed like a good idea at the time, I guess. I mean, we never do anything. We had settled into this…routine, and I guess I’m just sick of it.”
“Are you okay? You don’t look okay.”
“It’s not fair for me to be upset about this when I’m the one that broke up with him.”
“No, it’s really not.”
Was it this bad when I broke up with you?”
Jason shrugged, “Well, I sort of knew it was coming. You weren’t saying anything to me. I was more…surprised then anything. I mean, you broke up with me for a seventeen year old after we had been dating, and living together for three years. I thought you were crazy.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” He shrugged. “It’s not like I blame you for anything. It was just really confusing for me, I guess.”
Ray sighed, shaking his head, and pushing away his plate, reaching for his wallet, “I’m sorry Jason. I’m not in the mood to hang out with you tonight. Maybe the next time you’re in town, okay? After all of this has blown over?”
“Sure. I get it.” Jason nodded. “ Give me a call when you feel better.”
“Devin?”
“…Ray? Why are you calling me? It’s like three in the morning.”
“I’m really sorry, Dev.”
“Is this about my little freak out in your bathroom? Because, I’m totally over it now. I’ll buy you a new razor.”
“It’s not about that.”
“And you can’t tell me that I stretched out your sweater or anything, because I’m smaller then you, if anything you stretched it out, Ray.”
“Stop it. This isn’t about that.”
“Then what do you want, Ray?”
“I love you. I wanted to tell you that.”
Devin was silent for a moment, “…You called me at three in the fucking a.m. to tell me that?”
“Yea.”
“Are you drunk or something? Because if you show up to school tomorrow with a hangover, you can kiss your job goodbye.”
“ I know you saw that note –and I just wanted to explain.”
“Oh, that you were cheating on me because I’m boring? Yea, I’m over that too, Ray.”
“I wasn’t cheating on you, Devin. It was…it was just Jason, being funny. It wasn’t like that.”
“Go to sleep, Ray.”
“I miss you, Dev.”
“Then I guess you should have thought through this whole breaking up with me thing, huh? Good night, Ray.”
“Don’t! Don’t hang up on me, damn it!”
Ray dropped the phone onto his bed, sinking onto the floor, pressing his forehead against his knees. He hadn’t realized how badly this was all going to go. He hadn’t wanted to lose Devin entirely –he just wanted to get rid of that…romantic entanglement, that feeling that he had to do things because they were together. He wanted them to be…friends first, lovers later. Not the other way around. He thought he had wanted that anyway…now he wanted a second chance, to get back to what they had been. But that didn’t seem to be happening.
Burn me once, shame on you.
Burn me twice, shame on me.
And Devin wasn’t that kind of guy.