Prose '05

From "X-Men Legends", edited by creator Stan Lee, Jennifer Heddle tells the story of Rogue, an outcast in her own body after she finds herself sharing it with witty and popular Carol Danvers. "The Stranger Inside" by Jennifer Heddle.
Tuesday
Professor Xavier told me a long time ago that keeping a diary might help me deal with all of the stuff going on my head, but I laughed at him back then.
Now though, things are different. The Professor is gone, and, well, maybe this is the least I can do for him since I wasn’t real great to him when he was here. Better then nothing, right?
Who am I kidding? The truth is, Inferno really did a number on me, what with the members of the team turning against each other, that horrible evil I felt when I kissed Warren Worthington, my show down with that demon, Nasty -and I guess it can’t hurt to try using a diary to help me sort things out. Besides, it’s not like the rest of the X-Men are falling over themselves to take my mind of things or help me feel better.
I found this notebook in an abandoned room in the ghost town where we’re living right now, me and the rest of the X-Men. There were a bunch of reciepies scribbled on the first few pages, but it was all for food I’d rather die then eat, so I just ripped them out and threw them away where no one’d find them. Times like this I really get homesick for Mississippi. No one can make fried chicken worth anything and sometimes I think I’d beg, borrow, or steal for some real sweet potato pie.
Is this what I’m supposed to be writing about? Food? The Professor’s not here to tell me what’s right and I don’t know what I’m doing. Maybe I should give up now before I do something really stupid.
Friday
Well, I’m back. I don’t like to think of myself as a quitter so I’m not going to give up.
The Professor told me way back when that I should try writing down my feelings about Carol Danvers being trapped inside my head, but the problem is I don’t understand what I’m feeling half the time. I don’t want here. I didn’t ask for it. But I don’t see that there’s anything either of us can do about it any time soon.
Thursday
So Carol thinks she can take over this diary just like she takes over everything else in my life. I’ll just ignore her is all. She can write whatever she wants but I don’t have to read it. This is my notebook. I found it.
I bet she doesn’t even mind being stuck out here in the middle of no where, as long as she’s got the other X-Men around. I get so jealous when they bring Carol up -I know they like her better then they like me. I just wish they weren’t so darn obvious about it. I put my life on the line just as much as anyone else, but I’ll never be able to live down my past.
I’m not throwing myself a pity party. Most of the time things are fine, but sometimes...I miss my foster mother Mystique. At least I knew she cared about me, even if she did have a funny way of showing it.
Monday
Well I blew it, again. Got into a tangle with Dazzler and everyone took her side, of course. It started out innocent enough -I told Longshot I was keeping a diary and he’d never even heard the word before, can you believe that? So I was having a grand old time explaining it to him when Alison showed up and gave me a hard time. Things went from bad to worse real fast after that. Can’t she leave him alone for one minute? You’d think I was bouncing on his lap the way she got her back up like a polecat in heat. Like I could seduce him even if I wanted to.
I wonder how long it’ll be before Storm kicks me off of the team and makes me fend for myself. I wonder why I don’t just beat her to the punch and have Gateway send me somewhere far away from here.
But where would I go? Mutants aren’t safe anywhere, especially when they’re on their own. Besides, I bet as soon as Carol took control of my body again she’d come right back to Austrailia.
I’m just so tired of them hating me.
Thursday
Longshot and me went for a walk today. Somehow I managed to get him by his lonesome and we wandered around the outskirts of town for awhile. He was in one of his moods, where he’s thinking about something serious and nobody can figure out what’s the matter and he won’t tell nobody what’s wrong.
Even though I tried my best to draw Longshot out he didn’t say much, but it was nice keeping company with him anyway. The conversation went something like this:
Me: Are you feeling OK, sugar?
Him: Fine. Thanks
Me: Sure there isn’t anything you want to talk about?
Him: I’m sure. Thanks.
Me: The sky sure is a great color green today, isn’t it?
Him: Yea. Thanks.
On our way back to town we found some pretty wildflowers that he put in my hair for me, careful not to touch my skin of course. I was in a real good mood about it until we got back and I saw Alison scowling at us. Kept the smile on my face though and didn’t say anything nasty.
She can touch him. I can’t. So why is she jealous? It’s not like she would want to trade places with little ol’ me is it? Hah. That’s almost funny. Almost.
Sunday
You know what? I’m used to being alone. I’ve been doing it for so long that I don’t even notice it anymore, it’s like breathing or not touching people, it’s just second nature to me. People try to talk to me or be nice, and I snap at them or tell them to get lost. And I sit here wondering what I did to get them all hot and bothered. Am I that afraid of someone getting to close to me that I push everyone in the opposite direction? Is it my own fault that I can’t really call any of the X-Men my friends? Carol always seems to confident when she talks about her friends. I wonder what it’s like, to be so sure of who you are and where you came from, and who will be in your corner when things get tight. I don’t have Mystique anymore, I don’t even have the Professor. How does she lean on people so easily? Who do I have to lean on?
Sunday
I had a talk with Storm today. I’m not sure what brought it on. Maybe it’s because I’ve been feeling even more down then usual lately. Storm said something really smart, and let me make sure I get this right...
You can’t love other people until you love yourself.
I’ve heard it before, of course, but somehow, when Storm says it there’s more wisdom in the words.
I thought about what she said for a couple of hours, and then I went and sat with Gateway for a couple of hours. The quiet company was just what I needed.
Monday
Something funny happened today.
I took my body back from Carol during dinner a few hours ago. I was tired of being shut out so with one giant push -bam! I was back in control...Except, Carol was eating pea soup, and I hate pea soup, and I spit it all over the place and almost choked on it and wound up covering poor Petey with green goop.
I guess it doesn’t sound funny when I just write it down like that, but the thing was that everyone started laughing, even Petey. Not at me, but with me, and then I was laughing too, and suddenly I felt like maybe I did belong there after all.
Thursday
I don’t think I really need to write in here as much anymore. Things are better with the X-Men, the memories of what went down with Inferno are finally starting to fade, and as for me and Carol...well, I don’t think we’ll ever truly get along, but we’ll get by. For now anyway. I think the Professor would be proud, if he knew. Maybe, where ever he is, he does know. I hope so.