A Freedom to Choose
I was twelve years old when I ran into my mother’s study and declared quite loudly to her, “Mom, I’m straight!”
She looked up from her computer, where she was most likely player Spider Solitaire and not writing like she was supposed to be doing. She looked a little surprised, “Huh?”
“I just wanted you to know –I’m straight.”
She nodded, “Okay…”
“So, I’m not gay.”
She was trying to hide her smile, and I felt a flush of embarrassment move over my body. I realized in the moment that she leaned back in her chair and started laughing that what I had declared was silly –of course I was straight. Something like 70% of Americans were straight…10% were gay, and the remaining 20% were just confused. My blush crept up my cheeks, and Mom turned in her chair to hold out her arms.
“Come here.”
I moved around the desk, and leaned into her. Her arms felt good as they wrapped around me. Yeah, I was twelve and starting to get over my Mommy-complex, but I still loved her hugs.
“Look,” she finally said, leaning back in her chair again, “just because I write about gay men, doesn’t mean that I want you to be one. If you are, that’s fine, but if you’re not, that’s OK too.” She shrugged. “Where’d this come from anyway?”
I looked down at my hands, “I was just watching TV –they were making fun of you.”
She rolled her eyes, “Screw them. This is just because I finally allowed them to make a movie out of one of my books. This will pass, sweetie. Don’t let the media get to you. –They may attack me, but they should know better than to try that crap with you.” She pulled me down to kiss the top of my forehead. “C’mon, you have homework you need to finish.”
…Now, I was twenty and I wasn’t quite sure what I was doing in the hotel room with one of the actor’s from one of my Mom’s movies. …Well, it wasn’t really her movie –it was based on her book. The fourth one based on her gay, semi-erotic novels. My Mom had taught me that being gay or straight didn’t matter, just so long as I was OK with myself. When Josh had come on to me, it had been hard to resist. He was cute, and I felt drawn to his sleek features. I liked the way he always looked kind of scruffy, like he had just rolled out of bed.
“What’s the matter?” His voice was as soft as his lips as they kissed my neck.
“Um,” I bit my tongue. I was twenty years old. Josh wasn’t a whole lot older. I was straight…or at least as straight as I could be, what with his hands being down my pants. He was obviously gay and fit the bill of his character pretty damn well. “You should probably know…I don’t usually do this kind of thing.”
He grinned softly, “Your Mom is like a goddess…you’re telling me you don’t have pretty boys coming on to you all of the time?”
“No, I do…I just, I don’t usually give in to them.”
He raised an eyebrow, “Oh really? Does that mean I’m some kind of exception?”
I nodded, “Kind of.”
He laughed, pulling me towards the bed with him. “Don’t fret,” he pushed me down into the mattress before straddling me underneath him. “Nothing’s going to happen you don’t want.” He kissed me on the mouth now, and I found my arms moving of their own volition, wrapping around his neck. He hummed softly, his fingers coaxing under my shirt. After a few minutes he frowned, leaning back to look at me. “Is something wrong, Patrick?”
My eyes widened and I shook my head, “N-no, of course not.”
“I only ask because you don’t seem that into it…”
“I…I’m sorry.”
He sighed, shifting off me to lean on his elbow and look at me instead. “Talk to me.”
“Talk to you?”
“Yeah. Tell me what’s going on up here,” he reached over to tap my forehead. I reached up to rub the spot.
“Ah, nothing…I told you, I don’t really do this.”
“You got a boyfriend or something?”
“No, I’m…I’m not gay.”
He laughed, “If you’re not gay, why’d you come up here with me? I thought I made it pretty obvious what I wanted to do to you.”
“Yeah, the ‘fuck you right, but good’ comment kind of caught my interest,” I turned my head to look at me. “I’m straight, Josh, but I’m not…straight.”
“Bi?” He tried to tag me.
“More like just curious. I mean, look at the books my Mom’s written –of course it piques interest.”
“But…you’re not gay.”
I shook my head, “No.”
He nodded, shifting onto his back to stare up at the ceiling. When he didn’t say anything, I bit my lip. I was kind of worried that I had like offended him or something. But, I was a big boy. I knew what I was doing. If I wasn’t open to having sex with him, I wouldn’t have come upstairs with him.
“I’m sorry, I’ll go,” I stood up. He leaned up on his elbows, watching me pick up my jacket.
“Are you going to be on set tomorrow?”
I shook my head, “No, my Mom just wanted me to come down and make sure they weren’t destroying her book. I’m going home tomorrow.”
“Oh…”
I smiled, pulling on my jacket, “You seem sad about that.”
He looked up, “I am. I didn’t get to go make good on my promise.”
“Promise?”
“To fuck you.”
I blushed, looking away and shaking my head. My keys jingled as I pulled them from my pocket, “Maybe next time.”
“Is there going to be a next time?”
I shrugged, “Maybe.”
He got up from the bed, catching me by my belt loops as I was starting for the door. My back pressed against the door, the knob wedged uncomfortably in my back. It felt like he devouring my mouth and his nails scraped my skin as he forced his hands up my shirt.
“What are you doing?” I asked when he finally came up for air.
“I don’t think I can let you leave if I don’t know that you’re coming back…not without making sure I can make you crawl back for more.”
“That’s kind of a high order, isn’t it?”
“It’s the truth –no one can get enough of me if I hold onto them long enough.” He kissed me roughly again, hugging me close. I shifted when I felt his pending hard-on against my thigh. He bit gently on my bottom lip, sucking it. Finally he looked up at me, his eyes these big pools of blue, “I gotta know…have you done it with other guys before?”
I nodded, “Sure.”
“Is that a ‘yes’ sure, or just…sure.”
“I have –a few different occasions.”
He nodded, stepping away from me to lean on the side table behind him, “Good to know then.”
“…Are you done?” I asked. “Can I go home now?”
He shrugged, “You don’t have to…but you can.”
I couldn’t help but smirk, “You’re kind of a tease, aren’t you?”
He shrugged, “Maybe just a little.”
I nodded, pushing my way between his knees. He almost knocked over the lamp as I pushed him back. I tried to kiss him just as fiercely as he had been kissing me, but I wasn’t sure if I was succeeding. He groaned, pushing back. His hands were on my face, his thumbs stroking my cheeks.
“Fuck,” he sighed. He panted, his tongue against his lip. “If you don’t leave soon, I don’t think I’ll be able to let you go.”
“What can I say? You’ve piqued my interest.” I reached up to brush my fingers against the scruffy stubble on his face. “Plus, this whole five-o’clock shadow you’ve got going on is kind of sexy.”
“Now who’s the tease? Sayin’ your straight, but turning on all of the charm,” he tsked, shaking his head. He pressed a quick kiss to my lips before wrapping his arms around my shoulders. “It’s your call, Patrick. We can go back to the bedroom, get naked, and I’ll fuck you like you’ve never been fucked…or you can go back your room and we won’t see each other until the movie premier… If you choose the latter, I can guarantee you’re going to spend the next six months or so, wondering what could have happened.”
I nodded, “Yeah, but if I leave now, I can keep saying that I’m straight.”
He grinned, “Would being something else really be so bad?”
“Not if I hadn’t kept insisting to my Mom that I was.”
“I think she’d understand,” His fingers clasped behind my head and he brought me forward for another kiss. It was like his hands were setting fire to my skin as he reach down, his hands moving under the waistband of my jeans. He licked my lips before sucking at my throat.
“Ah, damn…” I sighed. “Don’t leave any marks…”
“Why not?” He asked, pinching my butt. “I like marking the guys I sleep with…It’s like a territorial thing.”
“I gotta see my Mom tomorrow…I don’t really want to explain.”
He grinned, “Man, your Mom is awesome and everything, but you gotta get over your Mommy Complex. Seriously…”
“I can’t help it, she’s all I’ve got,” I shrugged. I couldn’t tell him that she was sick… I couldn’t tell anyone. She had sworn me, and everyone else who knew, to secrecy. I wasn’t sure how I was going to live without her, but I had to make sure that every tedious whim was satisfied. I just wanted her to be happy before she died… That was why I had come out here to the set. I wanted to make sure it was great for her.
Josh led me into the bedroom again, discarding our clothes along the way.
“Damn,” he nodded appreciatively. “I mean, I just had it in my hands, but feeling it and touching it are two totally different things.” I blushed, not able to really hide myself without looking like a kid. He grinned, pushing me back onto the bed. “I’m giving you a compliment, Patrick…”
“Sorry.”
“You’re so cute when you blush…” He reached up, pressing his finger against my lips. “Suck.”
I took his finger into my mouth, sucking softly on the tip. He moaned, pressing his face into my neck. A few moments later, he was stroking his damp finger along my backside, pressing softly into me. I grunted, turning my face into his neck.
“You’ve done this before,” he coaxed. “Why are you so shy?”
“I’ve never really just…you know, done it like this.”
“Oh,” he nodded. “Well, I’m just really impatient…if you want me suck you off or something, I can do that too.” He leaned in and let his lips brush my ear as he whispered. “Other boys tell me I’m really good at it, but I’m not really sure.” He stroked me with his free hand as he thrust his finger deeper inside. My breath caught, my mouth opened in a gasp. He took the opportunity to give me a very deep kiss, his tongue sparring with mine. When he moved away, he ran his tongue along my entire length.
“Stay right here,” he requested, pressing a rather chaste kiss to my mouth. “I’ll be right back.”
I raised an eyebrow as he slid away from me. He disappeared from the suite’s bedroom and I heard the bathroom door jiggle. When he came back in, he had rolled on a condom and was coating himself with a slick layer of lubrication. The bottle he had in hand was tossed onto the bed beside me.
“So, how do you want to do this?” I liked how warm his mouth was as his lips touched my skin. His hands were warm too as they wrapped around me.
“What do you mean?”
He laughed, “What position would you like me to fuck you in.”
“Oh, uh…”
He shook his head, “Roll over. I think missionary would be best.” He nudged my hip. I complied with him, not really sure. I had slept with three guys my entire life –once my senior year of high school with a guy who loved my Mom’s books, once my freshman year of college, the first time I ever got drunk (again, another fan of Mom), and then a year ago...
“Keep your head here,” Josh whispered. I felt him pressed up behind me. I bit my lip as he started to push inside of me. I pressed my forehead against the mattress. My fingers tightened around fistfuls of the hotel’s thin comforter. He didn’t say anything as he pressed his lips to the back of my neck. He was totally in. His slick hand moved around to grab a hold of me. The only thing I could muster out of my throat was some kid of guttural noise, and I dipped forward as he started to stroke me.
“Feel good?” He asked, his lips on my back. I moaned in reply as he pulled his hand away, grabbing a hold of my hips. “Ready?”
I nodded, “Uh huh.”
He didn’t hold anything back –there was no slow progression like the other guys I had had sex with. He didn’t care that I was kind of a novice. I came to the realization that he was really just using me for some kind of self-satisfaction. Scarily enough though, I didn’t really care… The slick sucking and squelching sounds of him violating me were enough to get everything else out of my head. It was just the two of us, in that spacious suite. Him fucking me like if he stopped, I was going to bolt, and me trying so hard to just take all of it in stride and enjoy it for what it was –pure sex. No strings, no explanations.
“Fuck, fuck…” My cheek pressed against the mattress and I reached down between my legs to stroke myself. I listened to his own throaty moans, coming in my hand just a little bit before his strokes began to slow, and his hip thrusts began to become less frantic and more relaxed.
“I love your ass…” he sighed. It took him a second before he rolled away. I stretched my back, laying on my stomach. I couldn’t help but watch as he pulled off the condom, and tossed it into the trashcan next to the bed. “Where’d you learn to do that?”
“Learn to do what?”
He grinned, turning to look at me, “You’re so cute when you act innocent.” He turned onto his side to kiss me. “You’re a little slut, aren’t you? Telling me you’re straight when you can take a fuck like that…” He tsked, shaking his head. “I call your lies.”
I licked my lips, shaking my head as I got up from the bed. “I should go.”
He narrowed his eyes, “Patrick, wait…” I had already pulled on most of my clothes by the time he joined me on the floor. “What did I say?”
“You didn’t say anything,” I shook my head. “I have an early flight tomorrow. I should go back to my room.”
It took him a second but he nodded, “Right. …When will I see you again?”
I shrugged, “I don’t know –depends. A couple weeks , or maybe not until the premier.”
He sat down on the edge of the bed, trying to hide his bit lip behind his hand as he watched me pull my jacket back on. I disappeared into the bathroom to wash my hands and make sure that I didn’t have any visible indications of what had just happened on my clothes. I had tried my hardest to keep my still-warm come from getting on my clothes –but I wasn’t sure how successful I had been. I hadn’t wanted to be gross and wipe my palm on the bed spread either. I looked OK though, as I exited the bathroom. Josh was getting dressed again too as I picked up my keys from where they had fallen on the floor when we’d resumed.
“Call me,” He requested, grabbing the collar of my jacket. “The next time you’re going to be in town. I took the liberty of putting my number on your phone.” He shoved my cell phone back into my pocket. “Maybe we can discuss this…trauma you have.”
“I don’t have a trauma,” I shook my head.
“If you didn’t, you’d still be in bed with me,” he shook his head before he kissed me. “I’ll see you.”
I nodded, “See you.”
It was a little over a year ago when I met Devin in the campus bookstore. Mom had just been diagnosed, and I was just kind of looking for an outlet to get away from everything. She was in her anger stage and I didn’t want to be the person she took everything out on, so I was distancing myself from her. When she was ready to move on, she knew how to get a hold of me…but I was choosing to lay low and stay in school. I wasn’t really looking for anything, but I found myself in the midst of the bookstore’s fiction section, staring at my Mom’s earlier works. I recognized them from the shelf at home where she had them all lined up. I’d be the first to admit that I had never read one of her novels. I’d grown up in a fairly fatherless home where she had worked herself nearly to death on her books all about the gay romance…but I’d never read one. I’d lost my virginity to another guy, but never thought about picking up a book to get a few pointers. It gave me the creeps really, to even think about what went on in my Mom’s head.
“This one’s my favorite,” a masculine hand tugged one of the titles an inch forward. “It’s an earlier one of her works, and her new stuff is best, but…the end makes me cry every time I read it.”
I turned to look at him. It was pretty obvious he didn’t know who I was. A lot of her fanatical fans were just as obsessed with me as they were with Mom.
“Have you read it?” He raised an eyebrow.
“I’ve never read any of her books,” I shook my head. “As a matter of principle, I refuse to actually.”
“Oh? You’re missing out on some great literature. It’s amazing that her books made it so mainstream –but it’s probably because she’s a woman. If a gay guy tried to write like this and make it big, he’d get shoved into the GLBT section to never be heard of. She’s amazing.” He followed me as I moved on along the shelf towards something a little more safe. “Let me guess, you’re a movie fan.”
I shook my head, “I don’t really watch the movies either.”
“Then why not give it a try? You think a woman doesn’t know what it’s like to be a gay guy in modern times? She’s good,” he assured me. “It’s amazing how often she gets it right on the nose. Like she’s writing it, just for me.”
I turned to look at him. He was cute, I would give him that. His dark hair was shaggy and he was clean shaven. If it weren’t for conversation, I wouldn’t peg him for gay at all.
“You really don’t know who I am, do you?”
He squinted his eyes at me, “Hmm…should I?”
I shook my head, “No, of course not. Excuse me.” I brushed past him, but he caught my arm. As I turned back to protest, a camera flash went off in my face.
He wiggled the cell phone at me, “Alright, I’ll find out who you are. Then I’ll probably have to assume I was a total ass right now, and I’ll need to apologize. How about your phone number so I can say I’m sorry when the time comes?”
“I’m not gay,” I shook my head.
“Never said you were,” he shrugged, holding out his phone to me for me to input my phone number.
I nodded, taking the phone from him. Against my better judgment, I put in my cell phone number.
“I’ll call you in a couple days. It’ll probably take me that long to figure it out, I’m sure.”
I didn’t answer, handing him the phone back. He watched me with curious interest as I walked away. I couldn’t help but pause as I passed the window outside on my way to my next little haunt. He was still watching me, and gave me a little wave. I felt the blush creep up my face before I scurried away as quickly as I could without looking suspicious.
It was only a couple of hours before he called me.
“I am such an asshole,” he sighed when I answered. “Why didn’t you just SAY you were Samantha Corner’s son?”
“Well, you didn’t really give me the opening,” I leaned back in my chair at my desk, back in my dorm room. I had a girl between my knees. She had looked up curiously when I had actually answered the phone.
“Still, I am a total asshole. I mean, going on about your Mom’s books –you must get come-ons like that all the time.”
“It’s alright,” I put my hand on top of the girl’s head. “Look, I’m kind of busy right now. Can you call back later if you really feel the need to continue this discussion?”
“Oh, yeah. Of course.” There was a pause. “Ah…is there a better time?”
“Just give me a half-hour or so.”
“Alright. I’ll talk to you then.”
After I hung up, tossing my phone back onto the table, I let the girl finish me off. I felt bad that I didn’t exactly remember her name. She lived down the hall and like all of the others, was a fan of my Mom. As far as I could tell, she liked being able to say that she blew the son of a homoerotic writer.
“Should I come back later,” She asked as I was subtly pushing her towards the door. “Maybe you’d like a little more than a blow job next time?” She raised an eyebrow.
I smirked, “It’s alright…thanks for the offer.” I managed to push her out into the hall way and managed to close the door before she could try and wedge her way back in. I sat back down in my chair, ignoring her knocking on the door. My phone rang, as if on cue.
“I want to take you out,” There wasn’t even a hello from him.
“I already told you, I’m not gay.”
“Again, I never said that you were. I said I want to take you out –for dinner. To apologize for being an idiot.”
“That’s not necessary, really. It happens more then you think.”
“But it doesn’t happen to me. Please. Let me take you out tonight.”
“Why don’t you start by telling me your name?” I countered.
“Ah fuck! I am an idiot! I’m sorry.” I couldn’t help but be kind of attracted to his quick attitude. “I’m Devin Jonas, I’m a creative writing major.”
“Well, Devin Jonas, I’m sorry but I’m not interested.”
“I’m not asking you out on a date, Patrick Corner,” he chided. “I’m asking you out for an apology dinner.”
“You know what would be better than a dinner?” I suggested.
“…Is this something naughty?” He asked.
“What makes you ask that?”
“I just detect this kind of…note in your voice that tells me you’re going to ask me to come over and do something dirty with you. Am I wrong?”
“Very,” I nodded. “I’m a visual arts major…I’d like to paint you for my human form class. I don’t have a lot of friends here, but…I think this project would be best if I did it with a stranger anyway.”
“Of course,” he sounded kind of excited. “Is that really okay though?
“Yeah, it would be a really big help –but there’s one stipulation.”
“Okay?”
“It’s a nude portrait. You don’t have to be totally nude of course, I don’t have to see everything, but...you know.”
“Okay,” the detection of excitement was still there. “I’d love to do it. It’s the least I could do after being such an idiot… Where and when do you want me?”
“Are you free tonight? I’d really like to get started on it. I’ve been putting it off.”
“Of course.”
“Alright, I live in Putnam Hall, three-fourteen. We can do it in my room. Seven o’clock okay?”
“Sure.” There was a pause while he wrote the information down. “I look forward to it.”
“I’ll see you then,” I smiled. “Thanks for your help.”
At six thirty, I set up my easel in front of the couch and started arranging my paints. I was just checking my brushes when there was a brief knock on the door.
I opened the door to Devin, who was looking just as cute as he had in the bookstore. He was sporting a five o’clock shadow now, but it looked good on him. I tried not to let my eyes trail down and mentally undress him.
“Hey,” I stepped back to usher him in. “Thanks for doing this –it’s a big favor.”
“Not a problem,” he started shrugging out of his jacket. “So…where do you want me?”
“On the couch would be fine,” I went to my desk, pulling out my trusty sketching pencils. “Um, you can take off your clothes and put them on the desk. There’s a blanket there if you want to cover up.
“Why would I want to do that?” He asked. I heard a rustle of clothes as he stripped. “It’s not like you’re the first guy to see me naked you know.”
“I didn’t figure I was,” I shrugged. I pulled my stool behind the canvas, looking out over my scene. He made himself comfortable on the couch.
“How’s this?”
I tilted my head. I liked the way the light was reflecting, but his features weren’t standing out enough. “Do you mind a little make-up?”
“Make-up?” He raised an eyebrow.
I nodded, getting up to open my cosmetics drawer I had collected from my years in drama. “Not too much, I promise.”
“C’mon, I’m gay. I don’t mind a little make up,” he rolled his eyes before watching me pull out some things from the drawer. I tried not to look down, away from his face, as I approached him with the eyeliner and lipstick.
“Close your eyes,” I requested. I knelt on the corner of the couch. I couldn’t help but touch his face. “Okay, you can open them….” His pooling eyes were eerily enhanced with the dark eyeliner. I didn’t say anything as I rubbed the lipstick on my thumb before brushing it across his bottom lip. “This might hurt—“ I pinched his mouth and he groaned.
“Ow –what was that for?”
“Color,” I shrugged. I rubbed my thumb against his lips some more, tilting my head to look at his face. There was still something missing. I got up again and grabbed a can of hairspray.
“Hey, whoa…” he stopped me before I could even uncap it. “What the hell?”
“I don’t like your hair. It’s too flat.”
“Flat?”
“Yeah, I want it…up,” I took my hands away from him, and sprayed his head liberally with the spray before pulling my fingers through it. I twisted a few locks of it between my fingers before I stepped back. It was better. Maybe not the best, but it was good enough. I put the make-up and the hairspray away before wiping the lipstick off my hand with a towel.
“Are you always cold to your models?” He asked.
“Would you mind not talking? I’m starting now,” I picked out a sharp pencil and started to sketch. “You can talk once I finish the preliminary sketch.”
He nodded, kicking back on the couch. I tried not to take notice of how he was almost purposely spreading his thighs. As I did the rough sketch, I was purposely ignoring his ‘equipment’. After a half-hour or so, it was pretty hard to find other ways to occupy myself, so I just gave in and looked. I was very surprised to find that he was uncut. Not surprising was his lack of pubic hair. Like the other guys I had come into contact with, he most likely shaved. I wasn’t sure why, but I had always had a severe distaste for baldness ‘down here’. Even on the girls I had slept with. I mean, unkempt was disgusting too, but being completely barren of hair was immature and unnatural...but I kept it to myself as I sketched.
“How’s it coming?”
“Just give me a few more minutes,” I insisted. “Then you can talk all you want.
He sighed, turning his head to look out of the partly opened blinds. My room overlooked a barren lot so I wasn’t too concerned about anyone looking in my window. I looked at him for a moment, my pencil stopping midline. The pencil dropped from my hand immediately and I leaned over to grab my digital camera from the bookshelf. Luckily he didn’t turn until after the flash had gone off.
“What are you doing?”
“Stop moving. Turn back to the window,” I shook my head. I fiddled with my settings as he hesitantly turned back. “Goddamn, that’s perfect… I’m sorry.” I put the camera down, sitting back down with my pencils again. “I couldn’t help myself, I guess.” I averted my eyes from him as I finished the sketch. “Okay, you can move around a bit now, if you want. I’ve got the basic sketch.”
“Good,” he sighed, stretching his arms above his head. “Man, staying still is harder then it sounds.”
I didn’t really answer as I started to uncap paints, mixing colors on my trusty Styrofoam plate.
“So, you didn’t answer me before. Are you always so cold to your models?”
“I’m not being cold,” I countered. “Trust me, if I were being cold to you, you would know.”
“Oh, I dunno…it feels pretty chilly to me.”
“Yeah, I can tell.” I couldn’t stop the smile that crossed my face. He dropped his mouth open before looking down.
“Goddamn, I am not small!” He retorted. “In fact, this is kind of turning me on. You’re just teasing me.” He looked up and caught my smile. “You are a tease, aren’t you? I see that little smirk on your face.”
“I’m just painting,” I shrugged.
He hummed, tilting his head to the side, “So…tell me about you.”
“About me?” I raised an eyebrow. “There isn’t a whole lot to tell that isn’t readily available on in the internet.”
“But I want to hear it from you,” he pouted, sticking out his bottom lip. I was overcome by the urge to get up and suck on it. I shook my head violently, trying to focus back on the canvas. “C’mon…tell me what it was like growing up with the totally goddess that is Samantha Corner.”
I shrugged, “She’s a Mom. There’s not that much to say.”
“What’s she like?” He insisted.
“She’s nice,” I shrugged. “She annoys the hell out of me sometimes. She’s got kind of a Peter Pan complex, and makes me feel like I have the adult while she’s the kid sometimes.”
“So you take care of her?”
“Sometimes it’s like that. But, she knows when she needs to be my mother and grow up. She writes a lot… You wouldn’t believe how much unpublished stuff she has just…laying around. Her office is filled with notebooks, and her desk is littered with disks. She’s got about four external hard-drives.” I shook my head, glancing up at him. “Writing is her life, everything she lives for. Sometimes she makes me feel like I was kind of an accident, and inconvenience –even if she doesn’t mean to.”
“That’s kind of harsh, isn’t it?”
“I said she doesn’t mean to,” I countered. “I know that she loves me, and probably couldn’t live without me, but until I was old enough to take care of myself, she had a habit of pushing me to a second priority to her deadlines.”
“She doesn’t sound like a very nice person,” Devin shook his head.
“She’s the greatest person,” I shook my head. “I wouldn’t trade my mother for anyone.”
He nodded, scratching his chest. I noticed how smooth he was and I couldn’t help but ask.
“So, why do you shave?”
“Excuse me?”
“You’re totally hairless, aside from your head. Why do you shave?”
“That’s kind of a personal question, isn’t it?”
“Well, you’ve already psychoanalyzed my relationship with my mother. I figured it was a fair question.” I raised an eyebrow.
He shrugged, “I shave because my boyfriend liked it.”
“Liked it?” I emphasized the past tense.”
“Yeah,” he nodded. “We broke up a couple of weeks ago. I just kept it up, I guess.”
“How long did you date for?”
“Two years,” He shrugged. “He cheated on me with some guy on the cheerleading squad –how junior high is that?”
“Maybe you just weren’t flexible enough for him?” I shrugged.
“Oh, I’m plenty flexible. He was just wasn’t versatile enough. I ask him to fuck me just one time, and he gets all nervous.” He rolled his eyes. “He was a fucking pansy. I’m better off without him anyway.”
“Well, you don’t seem bitter at all,” I assured him.
“Cocky bastard,” he looked back at me. “So, as long as we’re getting into it, I just have to know –you ever sleep with a guy before? Or are you really as straight as you want everyone to think that you are?”
“I’m straight,” I nodded. “But that doesn’t mean I haven’t slept with guys before.”
“Oh really?” He raised, raising an eyebrow.
“Yeah, really.” I nodded.
“Tell me more,” he requested.
“I’d rather not. I hardly know you –how do I know you wouldn’t just stick it up on the internet somewhere, outing Samantha Corner’s son.”
“Why would I do something like that? I love your Mom –that’d just piss her off, right?”
“My Mom knows I’m straight.”
“Does she know you’ve slept with boys?”
“I don’t tell my Mom about my sex life,” I shook my head. “Chances are, she’d become too interested and use me for information. You might not know this, but she can’t talk to gay guys. They make her nervous.”
“Why?” He wrinkled his nose.
“Part of it is because she doesn’t want to know what they think of her books –she’s afraid of being very wrong or even very right. The other part of it is…my Mom is really shy. She sees two guys and she becomes a little fan girl. She blushes like crazy and has to walk away as fast as she can.”
“That’s got to be kind of tough.”
“She has all of her fan letters screened. She doesn’t reply personally to letters. She doesn’t do book signings. She lives rather sheltered actually.”
“That’s kind of…depressing.”
“It’s just the way she works,” I shrugged.
We were quiet for a bit before he yawned, “So, how’s the painting coming?”
“Fine,” I nodded. “Do you mind if a take a couple of shots, so I can keep working on it tomorrow morning?”
“Sure,” he nodded. “Go ahead.”
“Thanks,” took the moment to rinse out my brush and take a quick picture with my camera. I hoped the light wouldn’t shift too much while I worked.
We were quiet for a little longer. I had probably been painting for about two hours when I noticed his eyelids were starting to get a little heavy.
“I’m sorry,” I stood up, stretching my arms. “Do you want to take a break? This can’t be very exciting for you.”
“I’m okay,” he shook his head.
“Do you want something to drink?”
“Water, if you have it.”
I nodded, pulling out two bottles of water from the fridge and tossing one in his direction.
“So, do you have a roommate?” He nodded towards the bunked beds, both of which were made. “I see you all over this room, but no evidence of another person.”
“I don’t,” I shook my head. “But I like to keep the other bed made because keeping it bare looks tacky. Plus, you never know when someone will need a place to crash.”
“Someone?” He raised an eyebrow.
I shrugged, “I have friends, really.”
He nodded. “Okay, I get it.” He yawned, stretching his arms out. I tried not to watch the way his muscles contracted when he made the movement, but I couldn’t help it. He looked good, and it had been a long time since I had gotten more then a blow job.
He caught me looking a grin crossed his face. He wasn’t shy at all about running his hand from his crotch up his chest. “You like what you see, straight boy?”
“It’s not bad,” I shrugged, taking a plug from my ice-cold bottle of water. The chill reminded me that this painting was due in two days, and I had better get control of my hormones. I couldn’t help but tease him a little, “I’d like it a little more if you didn’t look like prepubescent.”
“Oooh, that hurts,” he cringed before looking straight back at me. “I just broke up with the guy that liked it a few days ago…it’ll grow back… But I kind of like it smooth,” He was teasing me now, his fingers trailing his balls. “It’s just so easy to touch.”
“Each to their own, I suppose.”
“You can touch it, if you want,” he offered. “I don’t mind.”
“I have a painting to finish. I’d like if it you didn’t get too excited. It’d ruin the picture.”
He hummed, “Are you sure? Maybe taking a little sex break would help. You look so tense behind the canvas… Is it not going well?”
“No, it’s fine. I’m just on a deadline.”
“Fucking me might help relieve some stress.”
“You want me to fuck you?” I raised an eyebrow.
“My ex was a hardcore bottom,” He stood up, stretching his arms above his head. “I tried to get him to take me a couple of times, but he wigged out. It’s been a long time since I’ve gotten a real cock in my ass.” He came closer, ignoring the canvas to press close to me. I was extremely aware of how naked he was. My awareness became his awareness when he grabbed hold of me through my jeans, stroking me with his V’d fingers.
“You sure you’re as straight as you say you are?”
I nodded, “Yeah, I’m pretty straight.”
He leaned forward and kissed me. I thought I might die. A guy had never had that kind of effect on me before. Come to think of it, a girl hadn’t either. But he was different. I just wanted to touch him. I wanted to pull him close and do anything he wanted. I was just flooded with the overwhelming urge to fuck him until he cried for mercy, to kiss him until he could barely breath.
“Not bad,” he pondered.
“Yeah, well, I’ve been around the block a couple of times.”
“So, you’ve been guys before… Top or bottom? Most straight guys are tops. But you don’t strike me as the top-type.”
“I’ve done my share of both,” I shrugged.
“Oh really? And what do you prefer?”
“Women,” I shrugged.
“C’mon,” he didn’t even look down as he started undoing my belt. “I can tell you like me. You wouldn’t be so hard if you didn’t find me attractive.”
“Attractive yes,” I nodded. “But I can control myself.”
“Can you?” He raised an eyebrow. “If you could really control yourself, wouldn’t I be back on that couch already with all that space between us?”
He had a point. I nodded, “Okay, so I don’t have that much control, but I still haven’t just flipped you over the stool and fucked you senseless yet, so…I’m still ahead in that sense.” I managed to get his hands out of my pants, and to push him back towards the couch. “Why don’t you go sit down, so I can continue with my painting?”
He nodded, “Alright.” He didn’t put up much of a fight and sat back down, just as he had been for the previous two and half hours. We didn’t say much for another hour or so. It was starting to get late, and I was having a harder time concentrating on painting instead of my model.
“Alright, I think that’s enough,” I stood up. I kicked my stool towards the closet and turned my easel towards the wall.
“Can I see it so far?” He asked, getting up to start pulling on his clothes.
“I don’t think so,” I shook my head. “When it’s done, I’ll let you see it. I’ve barely even started it.”
He frowned, “Aw, c’mon…”
“Are you a free again tomorrow night?” I asked. “I can work from the picture during the day, but I’d like to keep the flesh-and-blood display for at least another night. I can probably finish it tomorrow night if I work on it all day.”
“Don’t you have classes?”
“Of course I do,” I shrugged.
He nodded, pulling his jeans up over his hips, “And tomorrow night…are you going to be less of a jackass when I come on to you?”
I shook my head, “No. Probably not.”
He sighed, shaking his head, “Then I’ll just have to try harder.” He put his hands against my face to kiss me again. His tongue probed into my mouth, but I tried not to let it surprise me. He was smiling as he backed away, “I’ll see you same time tomorrow?”
I nodded, “Yeah. I’ll be here.”
“I look forward to it then, Patrick Corner.” He patted my cheek. “And who knows, maybe you’ll revise your straight-ways?”
“Maybe,” I shrugged.
The next day, I made sure that I was prepared for Devin’s arrival. I had worked feverishly on the painting all day, but took the time to acquaint my cock with my right hand at least twice before he arrived at seven. I was just packing myself away when he knocked on the door.
“Hey, come in.” I had turned the canvas towards the wall so he couldn’t see it. I had tried not to touch the couch area or lamp that I had been using for lighting. “Could you just stand there for a minute? I need to do your eyes and lips again.”
He closed the door behind him and waited patiently while I pulled out the eyeliner and lipstick from the night before. I tried to ignore how good his skin felt under my fingers when I brushed my thumb over his lips. I stepped back away from him to wipe my hand on a spare towel again. My room was littered with empty paint tubes, Styrofoam plates covered in paint residue, and empty water bottles.
“Ah…sorry about the mess. I don’t clean much when I’m working to finish a project.”
“It’s okay, I hardly noticed it,” he lied through his teeth as he moved towards the couch, taking off his shirt. I turned the canvas back to its place and pulled my brushes out of the mug I was rinsing them in to dry them off on my towel. When he was naked, he sat back down on the couch, resuming his pose from the night before. I put some fresh paint on my plate.
“You can turn on the TV or radio if you want. So we don’t have to sit in such silence.”
“Ah, but Patrick, your silence speaks volumes about you,” He shook his head. “Plus, it’s cute to watch how frustrated you get.”
“I don’t get frustrated,” I shook my head.
“Yes you do,” he shook his head. “But I won’t argue with you about it.” He reached over to pick up the remote, flipping on the TV.
I kept worked at a little more precise of a pace then I had during the day. By eleven o’clock. Devin had shifted and wasn’t really even posing anymore, but it was OK because I was nearly done and just putting in final touches. His eyes were closed and I was pretty sure he was asleep. I stepped back from the painting completely at midnight, deciding if it wasn’t finished by now, it wasn’t ever going to be. Devin’s head had lolled to the side, and he was breathing softly. He had tugged a blanket over his waist. I hated to wake him up when he looked so peaceful, so I let him be.
I turned off the lights and TV and changed in the dark before climbing into bed. I had an eight A.M. class in the morning that I probably shouldn’t skip, no matter how much I wanted to. I turned against the wall, pressing my forehead against the cool brick.
I wasn’t asleep for long when I felt warm arms wrapping around me. At first I was a little startled, but then I realized it could only be one person.
“You know, I have a top bunk for a reason, Devin.”
“I always hated sleeping on the top bunk,” He nipped at my ear. “I had a tendency of falling.
“Then I’ll sleep up top and you can sleep down here. It doesn’t make that big of a difference to me.”
“Or we could just stay, right where we are.” He leaned over me and turned my face towards his so he could kiss me. I could taste the lipstick that still stained his lips. “C’mon, Patrick…it’s just for a couple of hours.”
“I don’t want to sleep with you,” I turned back to the wall, pressing my arm over my face.
“I never said you had to,” Devin shook his head. “I just want to share a bed with you. It’s too late to walk back to my dorm. It’s not safe, you know?” He tried to nudge my arm away from my face and pouted when he wasn’t successful. “Aw, c’mon now…”
“I told you, I don’t want to sleep with you. You can stay here, I don’t care, but I won’t have sex with you.”
“It’s all about sex with you…” he sighed, snuggling down against my back. “But okay. I’ll stop trying so hard.” His arms wrapped around me and he gave a more contented sigh, pressing his face against my shoulder. “Hmm, you feel good.”
I squeezed my eyes closed and tried to ignore him. He had gotten half dressed, which I was thankful for…but at the same time, I was a little disappointed. I couldn’t squelch this feeling of wanting to take him in my hands, in my mouth, and make him moan. I was pretty sure he had a great sounding moan.
“Hmm, you’re getting excited,” his fingertips brushed over my crotch. “I can feel it –your back is all tense too.”
“A warm body is a body, it doesn’t matter what kind of equipment is attached to it.”
“Hmm, so you’re not as straight as you want everyone to think,” he hummed, sucking on my earlobe. “Why is it so important for you not to be gay, Patrick?”
“It’s not,” I shook my head. “I just wish everyone would stop assuming that my Mom made me gay just because of the kinds of books she writes.”
“I don’t think your Mom had anything to do with it,” Devin shrugged. “But I’ll stop teasing you now,” he rolled away from me, taking up the open portion of the bed as he spread out, stretching. “Hmm, I’m tired. Good night, Patrick…”
After that, it’s weird to say it, but we started dating. I kept telling him that our “dates’ were just two friends, hanging out, but he loved to see my blush when he introduced me to his friends as his boyfriend.
“I’m not his boyfriend,” I would correct. “I’m straight.” His friends would laugh at that, like it was some kind of a joke. After awhile, I started to feel like it was kind of a joke too. My whole sexuality was a sham. Devin would get jealous if I looked at girls; he’d hold my hand or even kiss me in publish to make sure that everyone knew that he had dibs on me, like I was a piece of prime choice meat. But I didn’t stop him either. I held his hand, because I liked how soft his skin was. I kissed him because the taste of his mouth, a mix between Colgate™ toothpaste and lemon drops, was totally intoxicating. I also didn’t mind so much when he spent the night, refusing the couch or the top bunk so he could feel me up.
But, we weren’t having sex.
And we kept not having sex for almost three months. It was Devin that snapped. He had cuddled against my chest as we watched a Made-for-TV movie, on one of those channels that specialized in Made-for-TV movies. He started kissing me, which was fine. He started stroking his fingers down my chest, which was fine too. But when he started to unfasten my jeans…that wasn’t fine.
“Hey, c’mon…” I pulled his hands away. “We’re watching a movie.”
“So what? All we ever do is watch movies. I want you –no, I need you to screw me.” He gave me what I supposed was supposed to be a ferocious kind of kiss. “What do you say? Get hot and dirty with me.”
I shook my head, “Devin, don’t be like this.”
“You’re my boyfriend! I want to have sex with you, Patrick! What’s wrong with that?”
“I am not your boyfriend.”
“Then what are we, huh? I think about you every second we’re not together. We go out on dates. We sleep in the same bed. We make out like crazy.” He pressed his forehead to mine, staring into my eyes with those deep pools of his. “What am I to you?”
“I don’t know,” I shrugged, trying not to get sucked into his look. “I try not to put tags on everything.”
“Patrick,” he groaned, pushing closer. I could feel him, pressing against my thigh. I hoped he couldn’t tell I was just as turned on by our close contact as he was. “Please! If it doesn’t go well, or you really truly don’t like it, I’ll give u. I’ll stop trying. We’ll just be friends.”
“Why do you want to have sex with me so badly?”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
“I can think of lots of reasons,” I shook my head.
He sighed, tugging his fingers through my hair. He gave me a couple of peck-like kisses before he gave me his best pout. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but…I think I love you.”
“You can’t love me,” I shook my head. “You barely know me.”
“I might not know you, but I know how you make me feel…and when you’re not pushing me away and being and ass…” He sighed. “I know I love you.”
“Devin, stop it,” I shook my head, pushing him away so I could get up from the couch.
“Does it bother you because I can say it out loud, or does it bother you because you might feel the same way about me?”
“Devin…” I shook my head. It was cliché, but I had this inner-turmoil thing going on. I wanted really badly to give in to him, to tell him that I loved him too… But was it possible for me to really maintain my straightness if I had a boyfriend?
And I guess, being straight wasn’t a big deal. I’ve never been a fan of tags, but since I realized what my mother’s profession entailed, I always felt like I had to keep up this wall that clearly stated who I was… and Devin made me rethink that wall.
“C’mon,” he was kneeling on the couch, his hands folded neatly in his lap. I could tell he wanted to reach out to me, touch me. And I wanted him to touch me…but if he did, I was more then sure I couldn’t say no to him anymore. “You have to open up to me. I’m gay, feelings are part of my thing. You don’t have to be all manly for me.”
I shook my head, turning away from him. I heard him get up, and he wrapped his arms around me from behind. I closed my eyes when I felt his cheek against my back.
“Look, I know this hard for you…You spend your whole life trying to be straight for reasons I don’t really understand… but, it’s okay. A lot of ‘straight’ guys aren’t as straight as they think they are.”
“It’s not like that. I don’t have a problem being with men.”
“Then what’s wrong?”
“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “Part of me really wants to give in to you, I’ll admit it. But there’s still that part that says if I do have sex with you, I can’t say I’m straight anymore.”
“You’ve slept with guys before –you’ve told me that. Why am I different from the other ones?”
“Because I care about you,” I admitted. “If I have sex with you, I can’t deny being your boyfriend. The other guys…they were both stupid mistakes. They used me as a way to fulfill some kind of a fantasy, to get closer to my Mom, to her characters. It only happened once with each of them. I can’t do that with you.”
“You don’t have to…I want to be your boyfriend.”
“You say that now –what about after we have sex?”
“What about it?”
“What if we have sex and it’s not any good?”
“Babe…any sex is good sex,” he laughed. He turned me around to kiss me. “And it’s not up to par…I’ll teach you. I’ll turn you in a certified sex machine,” He promised.
“Devin…”
“Patrick.”
“I can’t just have sex with you.”
“Why not?” He asked. “I’m ready…you’re ready,” he started unbuttoning his jeans. “All we have to do is get naked.”
“I don’t have…you know, stuff.”
“Stuff?” He raised an eyebrow.
“You know…condoms, lube.” I went along with him as he pulled my t-shirt over my head.
He rolled his eyes, “Alright, so…condoms are probably a sensible thing given the times we live in –but I promise, I am totally D-D free. If you really want me too, I can walk to my dorm and get you my last screen report. It’s only a like two months old.”
“I doubt that’s necessary,” I shook my head.
“As for lube…we can make due. Spit works just as a well. Or come.” His lips brushed my bare shoulder. I found my fingers inching under the back of his shirt and it wasn’t long before I had pulled it over his head and tossed it to the floor by my own.
“Or we could just go to the gas station down the street and pick some up,” I shrugged.
“Yeah, if you want to stall,” he rolled his eyes.
“Look, I haven’t slept with a guy in…a while.” I stopped him from pushing my jeans and boxers down.
“Good,” he wrapped his arms around my neck, leaving my pants alone. “Forget everything you ever did with those fools. I want a fresh slate…a real virgin to the art. I want to blow your mind.” He pushed me back onto the bed. He grabbed the bottom of my jeans and yanked –hard. I groaned as they were basically torn from my body and tossed to the floor. He pushed off his own before he got on top of me, kissing me.
“Uhh—Devin…”
“Just…trust me a little, okay? You don’t have to do anything. Just …you know, lay there.” He straddled my hips as he kissed me.
I did as he asked, word for word, to the best of my ability. It didn’t take very long until he was impaling himself on me for the first time. He was on top, his hands gripping tightly on my shoulders. I was totally enthralled with the way that his body moved. Even when I had sex with women, I had never paid much attention to anything other than the fact that I was getting some.
“Tell me when you’re going to come,” he requested, taking my hand and putting it down on his stomach. I was mesmerized by the feel of his abdominal muscles tightening and flexing as he thrust over me. His fingers stroked down my chest, and he leaned forward to press a quick kiss to my lips. “You’re kinda quiet…”
“I’m just soaking it all in.”
He hummed as I wrapped my hand around his member, jerking him off. He had to have felt widely ignored –the only action his cock had been getting was the methodical slap against my stomach. But he was hard as a rock and dripping pre-come, regardless.
“Are you close?” He asked, nuzzling my neck. He groaned as he stretched forward.
“If it…if it hurts, you don’t have to keep going.”
“I like it,” he assured me. “I’m just running a little dry is all…” He kissed me again, swirling his tongue around mine. His mouth opened wide and he gasped, “Ah, fuck...” He tightened up as he emptied in spurts onto my abs. The sight of him was enough to send me off too. I barely had enough time to warn him and slipped me out of him. After I had unloaded on his backside, he pushed me back inside. He rocked forward, kissing me. When he finally slid to my side and laid his head against chest, his breathing was starting to return to normal.
I wrapped an arm around his waist and pressed my chin to the top of his head. He looked up, and I noticed little worry lines across his forehead and at the corners of his eyes.
“What?” I brushed my fingertips over his hair.
“Are…was I okay?”
I smiled, kissing his forehead, “Yeah.”
After that, we had sex all the time. He basically lived in my room with me. He woke me up with blow jobs in the morning, we met periodically between our classes for quickies against the door, and at night we fought for position –except it wasn’t much of a fight since he typically let me win. After another three months of finally giving in to him…it was over.
“What’s wrong?” He caught my arm as I was frantically packing a bag. “What’s going on?”
“Ah, family emergency,” I shrugged off his arm to keep packing.
“Your Mom? What happened? Is she okay?”
“I can’t really talk about it,” I shook my head.
“Well…can I come with? I mean, maybe I can help.”
“Devin,” I stopped. I took his face between my palms and kissed him as hard as I could. “No. I can’t do this right now.”
“Okay,” he nodded. “When are you coming back?”
“I don’t know,” I shook my head.
“Patrick…” He put his hands on my wrists. “It’ll be okay. Relax a little.”
“Devin, no, you don’t understand. I can’t…I might not be coming back.”
“What do you mean? We still have like two months of school left.”
“I know.”
“Patrick, what’s going on?”
“I’m really sorry.”
“Sorry for what? I don’t understand what’s going on. I just came over to see if you wanted lunch.”
I took a deep breath, “Devin, I don’t think I can see you anymore.”
His eyes narrowed in confusion.
“It’s not because I don’t love you, because I do –I’ve never felt this way about anyone, ever. But…” I sighed. “My mom is really sick right now.”
“What do you mean sick?”
“She doesn’t want anyone to know,” I shook my head. “I can’t go into it. But, I’m probably not coming back to school. She needs me with her.”
“That doesn’t mean that we can’t still…you know, be together.”
“I’m going back home, Devin. That’s like a two hour plane ride. I can’t do that to you –I can’t put that much space between us and expect to be able to maintain the kind of relationship we’ve had.”
“I can live without sex, Patrick. I’d settle for hearing your voice on the phone. I can come see you over break. We can make it work –people a whole continent apart make relationships work.”
I shook my head, “No.”
“You can’t just say no to me and expect me to just accept it, Patrick. I love you, goddamn it.” He punched me in the chest. I hurt, but not as much as seeing him trying so hard not to cry.
I rubbed my chest, “I know.”
“So you just want me to leave and never see you again?”
“I never said that.”
“That’s what you’re implying.”
“Devin, I’m not doing this because I want to.”
“Then why are you doing it?”
“Because, I feel like I need to.”
“Fuck you,” he punched me the chest again. This one issued a grunt from me.
“You can hit me all you want, I probably deserve it.”
“You’re not even worth it,” he shook his head. He shoved past me and slammed the door behind him. I squeezed my eyes closed and leaned back against it. I let myself think about the last few minutes for a bit before I remembered that I had a plan to catch.
After that, I went home and helped take care of my Mom. And that was part of how I found myself in a New York hotel, sleeping with an actor…
I slipped through the quiet halls of the hotel. I hated that Devin had popped into my head when I was with Josh. I had managed to just shove him to the back of my head since I had left campus. I hadn’t even gone back to campus to pack up my room –I had sent one of my Mom’s assistants to pack up and check out of my room for me…like I had been too much of a pansy to take the chance of seeing him again.
What bothered me most though, was the fact that he hadn’t even tried to call me. Although, I guess I hadn’t exactly tried to call him either… And now, school had just let out two weeks before, and I wasn’t entirely sure how to get a hold of him. Sure, I could e-mail him. I could call his cell phone. I could probably even look up his home address in the campus directory…
I was just pulling my clothes back off to hop into the shower when my phone started to ring. I took the time to answer it.
“Hi, Mom,” I sighed. “—No, I’m fine. It’s just kind of late. What’s going on?” I waited for her reply while I sat down on the couch. Her voice was kind of soft and she said she just wanted to talk. “Mom, you’re in the hospital. You should be getting your sleep.”
“Pssht,” she scoffed. “Don’t talk to me like I’m a kid, Patrick.”
“Ma,” I yawned. “Look, it’s like what? Three in the morning? I’m barely awake.”
“Oh yeah…what are you doing answering your phone? I didn’t really expect you to answer.”
“I just got in.”
“Ooh, fun night out? Who’s the girl? It’s not that snotty bitch they have playing my side-kick female, is it?”
I rolled my eyes, “I had a couple of drinks with the guys.”
“Ooh,” she repeated. “Is my cute little boy finally taking after his mother?”
“Ma!”
“It’s okay, you know I don’t really care –just so long as you don’t introduce me to your boyfriends. You know how I get around the gays… That’s why I sent you to the set in my place. I probably would have passed out with all those boys fawning over me.”
“You’re not full of yourself at all.”
“Hmm. Well, I’ll let you sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Yeah,” I confirmed. “G’night Mom. Don’t stay up watching Logo all night –you get some sleep.”
“I will,” she scoffed. “Besides, they’re just showing lesbian shows all night –it’s not as enthralling.”
I laughed, shaking my head before I hung up. I shut my phone off, tossing it down on the coffee table before I got up. The hot water in the shower felt good and I was relieved to finally crawl into bed after making sure that the alarm was set for the next morning.
The next afternoon, I pressed a kiss to Mom’s forehead. She looked pretty good for a woman in a hospital. She was up and moving around, sitting on the end of the bed rather then laying in it.
“Hey, how are you?”
“I’m okay…I’ll be glad to get out of here.”
“When do they think you can leave?”
She shrugged, “Probably a couple of more days. They want to make sure everything is normal.”
I nodded, “Well, you should rest.”
“Tell me about the movie –are they slaughtering it?”
“Ma,” I shook my head. “I wouldn’t know the difference if they did. But it looks like it’s going well.”
“I don’t like that Josh kid…he doesn’t fit my character at all,” she sighed.
I shrugged.
“He’s the one that’s really gay, right? –Make sure he keeps a distance at the premier.”
“You know, you should really get over this phobia of gays. You miss a lot of great opportunities.”
“It’s not like it’s all gays!” She scoffed. “Just the cute ones…”
I shook my head, “You’d like what they’re doing. I was told that, while they can’t be a graphic as you are, they’re doing their best to make it as true to the book as possible.”
“Good,” she nodded.
We both looked up as a spunky looking girl walked in, wearing a pencil skirt and a low cut top.
“Patrick, welcome home!” She came over to kiss me rather bluntly on the lips. “How was New York?”
“Fine,” I nodded. “How have things been going on here, Mattie?”
Mattie was my Mom’s assistant –one of three actually. She was a lesbian with a girlfriend named Amanda. However, she was an avid reader of my Mom’s books before she became an assistant. She had become a close friend over the last couple of years and my Mom really depended on her for stability.
“Good,” she nodded. “Doctors said your Mom can probably go home at the end of the week.”
“That’s great,” I nodded.
“Unfortunately, she’s also on three more medications,” Mattie pulled a brush out from one of the travel bags along the wall and sat behind Mom to start brushing her hair. “But they’re just precautionary for a couple of weeks.”
Mom sighed, “I wish everyone would believe me when I say I’m fine.”
“You’re fine because you’re taking meds,” Mattie shook her head, she paused looking up at me. “Oh yeah…there was a guy who stopped by the house while you were gone. He was looking for you.”
“Looking for me?” I raised an eyebrow. “What for?”
“I don’t know,” she shrugged. “He said he was a friend from school and that he’d come back.”
“Did he say who he was?”
“No,” she shook her head. “He kind of booked it out of there before I could ask.”
“Well, what’d he look like?”
“Umm…tall, dark hair, had motorcycle,” she shrugged. “I dunno. Kinda cute, if you’re into that kind of thing.”
I thought for a moment, but I had no idea who it could possibly be. I had few ‘friends’ while I as in school and most of them that would call themselves my ‘friends’ were girls I used for sexual gratification. I didn’t have anyone that I was close to…
“Whatever,” I shrugged. “I’m not going to worry about it just now.”
“Honey, if you’ve got a friend waiting for you, you should go.”
“Ma, if it’s a friend, they know how to call me,” I rolled my eyes.
She hummed, and picked up the remote for the television, “I was watching Logo last night—”
“Before or after you called me?” I raised an eyebrow.
“Before,” she rolled her eyes. “As was saying, they had this really good movie on, but I missed like the first half of it… What I don’t understand though is, why does everything ‘gay’ have to have this…low budget feel to it? Is it just me or does everything ‘gay’ just feel awkward?”
“Just visuals,” Mattie shrugged. “Your books aren’t awkward.”
“Meh,” Mom scoffed. “I beg to differ.”
Mattie looked to me for help, but I shrugged. “I haven’t read one, so I can’t really argue.”
Mom turned to look at me, “Why is that?”
“Mom, you write gay erotica. First of all, it’s gay erotica. Secondly, you’re my mother!”
“So? Not everything I write is embarrassing.” She rolled her eyes. “A few of my books hardly have any sex in them at all.”
I shook my head, “I don’t really feel like having this conversation, thanks.”
We were quiet for a few minutes. Mattie kept brushing Mom’s hair before braiding it, and Mom was enthralled with a variety show. I watched the two of them and was pretty sure that if my Mom were a lesbian, and Mattie didn’t have a girlfriend, they would make a really cute pair. I jumped when Mom suddenly clapped her hand over her mouth and shouted, “Oh my god!”
“What?” I pressed my hand to my heart, like that would help slow it back down from the jolt.
“I need you to go home and get me the green notebook that’s sitting on my desk –the purple one too.”
“What for?”
“Because I’ve got six stories to finish writing before I die, silly,” she rolled her eyes.
“Mom!”
“Well, I do! I put away the Royal Night story because I was stuck, but I just got a fantastic idea –now hurry up and go get it before I forget what I was thinking!”
“Patrick, just go get it for her,” Mattie shook her head. “Sam, write the idea down so you don’t forget,” she got up and pushed a yellow legal pad and pen into Mom’s hands.
I sighed, getting up and stretching my arms over my head. “Can you write on that for now? I’d kind of like to get some sleep. I had an early flight. I’ll bring your laptop for you too.”
“Yeah, I suppose,” Mom dismissed me. I should have felt slighted, but I knew she was just excited to have some creative juices going again. She stopped me before I exited, “Wait –what was Ron’s brother’s name…”
“David?” Mattie guessed.
“No…”
“Derek?”
“I don’t think that’s it.”
Mom talked about her characters like they were her kids –even though I didn’t read her stories, I still knew their characters like they were my siblings. “Devin, wasn’t it?”
“Yes!”
It wasn’t until I was out in my car that the thought struck me about who had appeared at my door step while I was gone.
I was woken up when the doorbell rang downstairs. I was tempted to ignore it, but knowing my luck it was probably something kind of important. I pulled on a clean pair of jeans from my drawer and made my way downstairs. I was just zipping them up when I cracked open the door after another insistent bell toll.
“Yeah?” My eyes were kind of blurry from being sleep deprived.
“Patrick?”
I squeezed my eyes closed, trying to focus before looking up, “Devin…”
“Hi.”
He looked good. Well, better then good. My jeans felt constrictive and I had only just laid eyes on the guy. His hair was different, and he was wearing a light leather jacket and tight jeans. I could see a bright red motorcycle in the drive.
“What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to see you.”
“Why didn’t you call me?”
“I wasn’t sure if you’d answer if you saw that it was me,” he shrugged. We were quiet. I wasn’t sure what he wanted me to say… And I didn’t have anything. All I could think about was pulling him inside and doing him on the entry way carpet.
“You didn’t come back to school.”
“No,” I shook my head.
“Some girl came and packed up all of your stuff…but, she didn’t get your art back from your professors. I managed to talk them into giving it to me. I have it at home if you want it back. I can mail it.”
I shrugged, “It really isn’t that big of a deal.”
He blushed, looking down at the ground. He scuffed the toe of his boot against the concrete step. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come here.”
“You should have called me,” I shrugged. “Now isn’t the best time.”
“Your Mom?”
“Mom is fine,” I shrugged. “I just had a really early flight this morning.”
He nodded, “Right. I’m sorry. I’ll just go.”
“No, wait…” I couldn’t stop myself from pulling him back. I felt like electricity was running up my arm as I grabbed his hand. “Come in… Let me get dressed.”
“You’re tired, it’s fine.”
“Devin,” I pulled him closer. “Come in.”
He looked up at me before he nodded, “Okay.”
I closed the door behind us and watched him look around.
“It’s really big.”
I shrugged, “Yeah, I guess.”
“Did you guys always live here?”
“No, we moved in here five years ago. Before, we lived in a place across town that was smaller.”
“So…where’s your room?”
“Always straight to the point with you,” I nodded.
He blushed, “I didn’t imply that I wanted—“
“You’re right you didn’t,” I shrugged, walking towards the stairs. “It’s this way.”
He followed behind me, looking at the walls. They were littered with pictures of Mom and me, and people that had come in and out of our lives over the years. There were a couple of award certificates hung up sporadically too –the ones Mom wasn’t totally ashamed of at any rate. Maybe shame wasn’t the right emotion she felt for some of her awards…more like mortification.
“So, this it?” He sat down on my bed, looking around.
“Yeah,” I nodded, pulling on a plain t-shirt from my closet. “It’s not as exciting as the rest of the house. I haven’t used it much lately.”
“I came by earlier… Some girl answered the door.”
“That would have been Mattie, she’s my Mom’s assistant.”
“Ah. She said you were in New York.”
I nodded, “Mom wanted me to check on some things with the new movie.”
He nodded, “Oh. So you were rubbing elbows with the likes of Josh Capernelli and David Chambers, huh?”
“I met them,” I nodded.
“Should I be jealous?”
“Well, we broke up, so…no.”
He nodded, “Right.”
“How long are you I town for?”
“As long as you’ll have me,” he looked totally innocent as he said it. I wanted to take him into my arms and kiss him…but I resisted.
I came over to the bed and stood between his knees, “Why didn’t you call me? I told you I couldn’t be your boyfriend, I never said I didn’t want to talk to you again.”
“It was hard,” he shrugged. “Six months later, I still think about you every single day. I tried dating other guys but…I can’t force myself to feel the same way about them as I do about you.”
“Well, I guess that’s flattering.”
“What about you,” he asked, leaning up. He looped his fingers into my belt loops, looking up at me. “Girlfriend?”
I shook my head, “Haven’t had time for a girlfriend.”
“Boyfriend?”
“No boyfriends.”
“Fuck buddy?”
“If you’re asking if I had sex, Devin, yes I had sex. I had sex last night if you really need to know.” I tried to ignore that hurt look on his face. I tilted his chin back up to look him in the eye. “But sex with other people didn’t matter. It wasn’t the same as it was with you. It didn’t mean anything.”
“And sex with me did?”
“Of course it did –I love you.” I had to kiss him. It had been so long since I tasted that familiar flavor of his mouth. He bit his lip as I pulled away.
“But you left me, without even explaining anything.”
“I had to,” I shrugged. “It was like, if I stayed and tried to explain everything, I wouldn’t have been able to rationalize with myself why I had to leave.”
“Why did you leave?”
“I told you, my Mom is sick.”
“She has people other than you to take care of her,” he shook his head. “She’d want you to be with someone who makes you happy, Patrick.”
“Devin, it’s not that simple. It’s just been me and my Mom since…forever. I had to be with her.”
“But she’s doing better now, right?”
“For now,” I nodded.
“Are you coming back to school?”
I nodded, “Probably not. I’ll go somewhere closer to home.”
“I want to be with you.”
I didn’t know what to say to that. I pulled my fingers through his hair, liking the softness of it. I wanted to be with him too, but that would be really hard to explain to everyone… A legitimately straight man who liked nothing better then squeeze a pair of boobs in his hands or watching a feminine mouth work over his cock, was taking a pure thrill out of fucking and being fucked by a very hot specimen of gay manhood… It was bizarre.
“Say something,” he urged. I started to try to kiss him, but he stopped me. “No, I need you to say something to me. What’s happening here?”
“I want to fuck you,” I declared. “I don’t know what we are, where we stand, what the hell we’re doing here…but I know I want to fuck you –only you.”
“Only me, or only me as far as men go?”
“Does it matter? I don’t see any women around.”
“Yeah, it does.”
“You’re the only person I want to have sex with this badly, Devin.” I forced his hands away so I could kiss him. “But…it’s been awhile. I’m not really sure what I’m doing anymore. Last night proved that for me.”
“So you really did have sex last night? You weren’t just saying that to make me jealous?”
I nodded, “I did. It was…okay.”
“Just okay?”
“Yeah. I mean, it had a lot of build up to it, but…when we actually doing it, the whole time I was just thinking ‘what’s going on’?”
“Who were you with?”
“C’mon, you don’t want to know that.”
“I do,” he nodded.
“No, you don’t. You’ll just get jealous and then you won’t sleep with me.”
“Probably.”
“Fuck me first,” I tempted him. “If you renew my faith in my abilities, I’ll tell you.”
“Hmm…or you could tell me now, and if I’m not made totally jealous, I’ll let you fuck me instead?”
“You got that itch to be on the bottom again, huh?”
“I always have that itch.”
I nodded, “I had a few drinks with the guys from the cast…I went back to the hotel with Josh Capernelli. He was…he was nice, and I thought he was cute. But he wasn’t you.”
“Did you give him that whole ‘I’m straight’ spiel?”
I nodded, “Yeah.”
“Well, I’m sorry to break it to you, but I’m not going to get jealous over some Hollywood hack,” he rolled his eyes. “Hell, I’d probably do Josh Capernelli too –he’s got a nice ass.”
I laughed, shaking my head, “So…we’re okay?”
He nodded, “Yeah, I guess.”
“Good,” I nodded. I kissed him again, pushing him back into my bed. I got up on the edge of the bed and brought my hands down under his butt to pull him higher on the mattress underneath me. I loved the big queen sized bed –we had much more room to move around then we ever did back in the dorms. I couldn’t get enough of him as I brought my arms around him, pressing close to him. Our arms and legs ended up in a tangle and he pushed over top of me.
“You got supplies?”
“Ah, fuck,” I sighed. “I don’t know –let me check.” I kissed him before pushing him off me again. He watched me cross the room, pulling off my shirt as I started digging through my bed side table. Nothing.
“I’m gonna go look in the bathroom,” I came back to the bed to kiss him again. “Get naked while I’m gone.”
I made my way quickly as I could towards the bathroom. I was lucky enough to come across a bottle of lube that I didn’t remember purchasing, and wasn’t going to ask questions about who else would have bought it and for what purpose. I was just thankful that it was there. I searched a bit more for condoms, but came up empty. I pondered over the thought of raiding Mom’s room, but figured she was probably getting less then I was, so it was pretty unlikely. And besides, the idea of my Mother having condoms and me not, kind of freaked me out.
“I found some lube,” I threw it across the room towards the bed before wiggling out of my jeans. I took my time, edging onto the bed. I was pleased to see that he had listened to me about the ‘get naked’ bit. “I couldn’t come up with any condoms though.”
“Well, I’m still clean,” he shrugged.
“You’re the only guy, well ‘person’ actually, that I’ve ever done it unprotected with in the first place,” I kissed him again.
“Good to know,” he wrapped his arms around my neck, kissing me again. I didn’t want to take my lips away from his. He felt so good up against me. And his hands felt silky smooth as they trailed down my back.
“Hmm, I noticed you stopped shaving,” I grinned, running my palm over his pliant cock.
“Yeah, well, I know you don’t like that bald look… But I couldn’t stop shaving my balls, I’m sorry.”
“That’s okay,” I laughed. I slid down his body to lick him. “It makes it easier to suck on them.”
He groaned, biting his lip, “And you claim you’re straight…”
“I’m only gay when I’m with you,” I swore. I loved the way he felt in my mouth. I loved the little noise he made in the back of his throat as I ran my tongue down his entire length before taking him into my mouth. He reached down to pull gently on my hair. I wanted my mouth to be everywhere, taking him in.
“You feel so good…” He sat up, hugging my shoulders. I looked up and he kissed me. “I missed you so much. You have no idea at all.”
“I think I can imagine,” I admitted. I slid back up to straddle his hips between my knees. “I missed you too.”
“Are you just going to tease me, or are you going to fuck me?” He teased. He opened the bottle of lube with a cracking sound and I moaned, flinching a little as the cool liquid fell along our lengths. His hands wrapped around both of us, rubbing them together and coating our warm pricks with the lube. I closed my eyes, pressing my face into his shoulder. I kissed his neck, sucking his skin between my teeth. He groaned, stroking me harder. I always had a little bit of a weakness for frottage…
“I need you to fuck me,” he hummed. He bit on my ear which incited another groan.
I spun him around, pushing him down over the foot of the bed. He caught himself with his hands as I knelt down behind him, licking his opening. He gasped, and grabbed for the lube, pushing it towards me.
“C’mon…we can do that stuff later. I need you now.”
I hummed, giving his puckered hole a kiss before liberally applying lube to his backside. I stroked my fingers inside of him, making him moan. Unlike in our dorm rooms, neither of us were having any qualms about making noise –there was no one else to hear us. And he moaned so well…
“Fuck me,” he growled, looking at me over his shoulder.
I wiped my lubricated hand on the bedspread before positioning myself behind him. I slid in with surprising ease and he moaned even louder.
“Ahh, you feel so good…” He put his hands on my hips and slowly straightened so we were standing front-to-back. His hands came up and stroked my face. My skin prickled as his fingertips brushed the start of my five o’clock shadow. My arms wrapped around his waist and I just pushed softly into him. “How did I go so long without you?”
“I don’t know,” I kissed his neck. I turned his face to kiss him before forcing my tongue into his mouth. His tongue dueled with mine for a few moments before he sighed contentedly.
“Okay, you need to move,” he grinned, leaning back against me. His arms wrapped around the back of my neck and I started to thrust into him. “Ahh, faster then that. I’m not made of porcline.”
“Really? ‘Cause you’re kind of pale and fragile looking,” I teased.
“Fuck me as hard as you can,” he requested.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” I rolled my eyes. “Besides, it’s kind of hard when we’re standing.”
“Then I’ll do it,” he moved his hips forward and then thrust back. The jerk made me tip just a little and I grabbed his hips again to stay steady.
“Lean back down and I’ll do it,” I kissed his cheek. “And then I’ll flip you over and it do it that way…and then we can do it on our sides…and any other which-way you want.”
He grinned, biting his tongue between his teeth. He looked so damn cute. I had the fleeting thought of maybe not being able to be able to hold on in this position long enough to try anything else... He obeyed me quietly though, leaning up on his arms and wiggling his butt at me. I wiped my hands off again before grabbing his hips. I started out slow, like I had been, but a disgruntled noise from his throat made me move a little faster.
“C’mon Patrick…” he moaned. “Really pound into me…”
“Since when are you such a masochist?”
“I’m not,” he sighed. “I just really need to feel that you’re right here with me…”
“And you don’t feel like that now?” I leaned forward to kiss his back before I nodded. “Okay…but if I hurt you, you tell me! Don’t hold it in –I don’t want you bleeding or anything.”
He nodded, “Okay.”
It took me a few seconds to stamp down my apprehension, but I did and it wasn’t a whole lot longer before I was pounding into him as hard and fast as I could. I listened to his moaning and groaning for notes of distress, but never heard any “no” or “stop”, so I kept going.
“Ah-ah—ah…” he panted loudly. “Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me…”
I grinned, “You have such a dirty mouth.” I paused to push him further up onto the bed. I knelt down behind him and pressed my palms into the bed on either side of him. Laying over top of him, I couldn’t push quite as deep, but that was OK. I bucked my hips against him, and he panted some more.
“I think I’m gonna come!”
“I haven’t even touched you!”
“Then flip me over and do it!”
I stepped away from him just long enough to do as he said. He grabbed a pillow to shove under his hips, and I pushed back into him. He tipped his head back, moaning. I kissed his wrists as his hands pressed onto my shoulders. I kissed him roughly, wrapping a hand around him. He let out a cry—a mixture of excitement and arousal. I kissed his chin and then his throat –the source of all those great noises he was making.
He arched forward as he came, wrapping his arms around my waist. He tightened around me, and I lost myself too when I looked at that pure look on his face. He gasped, laying back, still kind of twitching. I groaned, letting him take over stroking himself while I pulled out, stroking myself. A few last spurts landed on his chest, but mostly I had came inside of him.
“Sorry,” I apologized. I stretched out over top of him, kissing him softly on the forehead. “I would have pulled out, but…you look so fucking sexy and sweet when you orgasm.”
He grinned, “It’s okay…it feels good…kind of dirty.”
“You are dirty,” I kissed him again. Even though we had both just been totally emptied, I was already feeling kind of excited again. I slid off to his side, nuzzling his cheek. I couldn’t help but reach down between his legs and stroke a finger inside of his still-loose hole. He moaned, turning to kiss me roughly.
“You’re gonna make me hard again...”
“Ahh, I think we’re done for at least another couple of hours,” I groaned. “But if you can get me up again, I’ll fuck you.”
He sighed, turning onto his side and pulled me close. He moaned at the adjustment, my fingers still probing inside of him. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders, and kissed me.
“Patrick?”
“Devin.”
“Will you promise me something?”
“Is this the sex talking?”
“No,” he hit me in the shoulder. “I’m being serious.”
I nodded, “Okay, what’s up?”
“Promise me you’ll never leave me like that again.” He shook his head. “I mean, if it comes down to it, you can leave me of course, but…next time, give me some closure, okay? Don’t just…leave without explaining anything.”
“I don’t plan on leaving you, ever.” I wrapped my arms around him, pressing face into his neck. It took him a second, but his arms wrapped around me too. He felt so good in my arms –better than any girl I’d ever had sex with, and much better than any guy. I suddenly felt kind of sleepy.
“You fallin’ asleep on me, Patrick?” He stroked his fingertips through my hair. I nodded, releasing a sigh. “Go to sleep then.” He kissed my cheek.
“You gonna stay here with me?” I asked.
He nodded, “I told you before, I’ll stay as long as you want me to.”
I nodded, “Okay.”
I felt his arms tighten around me. For the first time in awhile, I felt safe in someone else’s arms as I fell asleep.
