Note: I wrote a couple of different versions of this story, so I wanted to try it where both Riley and Ben are gay. I figured it would make for an interesting time. Enjoy! (VERY LONG!!)
Life Through Lenses (Version III)
Ben’s arm weighed heavily over my hip. As the early tendrils of morning were beginning to stretch across the sky, I was totally awake and Ben stayed dead to the world. Our mornings since the summer had started were usually like this. I would wake up about ten minutes before Ben would even think about opening his eyes. I could tell when he was awake because he would shift his hips up against mine and hug me more tightly to his chest, nuzzling his nose against my throat. On the rare occasion that he did wake up before me, he would kiss me awake and I would groan, wanting to fall back into the depths of sleep… But I knew why he did it –why he didn’t just crawl out of bed quietly and start our usual morning routine without me.
“Your Dad hasn’t left yet, has he?” Ben’s hips had shifted and his arms were tight around my chest now. His voice was still sleepy but conscious.
“I don’t think so. It’s only seven o’clock.” I replied, putting a hand on his arm. Even though the summer had started nearly a month ago, and Ben was a regular addition to our house every summer, we hadn’t exactly told my older sister, Becca, and my Dad that we were “together”. I think they would both be a little disturbed to find that we slept next to each other nearly every night.
“Are we filming today?” Ben traced his fingers underneath the hem of my t-shirt as he spoke, “Or do you have to work?”
“We can later this afternoon. I have to go to work in an hour.” I turned around to face him, putting a leg over his hip. “You should get a job, you lazy bum.”
He laughed, kissing me for the first time that day, “Maybe. Think you could put in a good word for me at the diner?”
“Pfft, Ben, I barely want to work at the diner. You don’t want to work there too.”
He shrugged, “Ah, if I can’t work with you I don’t want to work at all.”
“Like I said…you’re a lazy bum.” I kissed him again, then turned my head towards the window, listening as a familiar rumble started outside. “My Dad is leaving…Becca should already be at work. Let’s go.” I rolled away from him, stretching my arms above my head.
Ben sighed, following suit from he other side. The house was quiet was we tip-toed out into the hallway to the bathroom. I pulled out two towels from the bathroom closet while Ben turned on the water. We had our routine down to a delicate dance. While the water warmed, Ben went to the bathroom, and I brushed my teeth, then we switched places before getting into the now steaming water together. You might be screaming “Water Conservation!” but water at my house has always taken forever to heat up, and besides, we save water by showering together –wink, wink.
We took our time. We both knew what would happen today. After Becca and I got off work later that afternoon, we would head down to the secluded area of the park where we were filming Ben’s script. We were going to tell Becca our secret. It really couldn’t be helped –she was going to see something that she needed the option to walk away from. I didn’t think that my sister was a homophobe, but we both sill felt it was something we should probably tell her.
“You still seem tired,” Ben tilted my face up to kiss me under the hot water.
“I am tired,” I shrugged. “You kept me up until almost one this morning.”
“Hey, it’s not my fault you can hold out longer then I can.” He kissed me again. nipping at my bottom lip to let me know he was just teasing me.
“Maybe you should work on that? You’re coming a little prematurely there, Ben.” I pressed my lips to his shoulder and pulled my fingers through his west hair. “C’mon –we’re not getting very clean here.”
He gave me a short laugh before turning away from me, into the spray to pick up one of the bottles of shampoo, “Apple or Lilac?”
“Apple. I don’t want to smell like a girl.”
“Hmm, but I like lilacs.”
“Then you use it.” I kissed him again, pulling the bottle of apple shampoo from his hands. Our bodies brushed together and I blushed under the hot water and steam as Ben’s arm wrapped around my waist.
“You’re turning red, Riley. Is the water too hot?”
That only made me blush harder, “Of course not.”
His grin broadened and he kissed me. His mouth tasted of fresh mint toothpaste and mouthwash. His body warmed every inch of mine that he touched, and he let a pleased hum pass through his throat as his lips moved to breath softly in my ear.
“You’re getting hard. Do you have time?”
“No, not really.” I sighed, then groaned as he moved his hand between our bodies. “Don’t, you’ll just make it worse.”
“I can’t let you go to work like this. What would they think?”
“That I’m an adolescent with an overactive sex drive?”
Ben rolled his eyes, bracing himself against the sides of the shower as he lowered himself onto the slippery bottom. Then his hands held tight to my hips as his mouth moved over me. I gasped, dropping the bottle of shampoo onto the floor with clunk. One hand pressed against the wall under the shower head, the other went to the top of his head. He made quick work, leaving me shivering and emptied a few minutes later. He went back to washing his hair like nothing had happened with the lilac shampoo. I knelt down slowly, grasping the slick, wet bottle that I had dropped.
“You okay?” He asked, glancing down at me before he tipped his head back into the spray to rinse out the shampoo.
“I’m fine –switch places with me when you’re done.” I massaged the shampoo into my hair and scalp in circles. The scent of apples and lilacs was intoxicating.
We continued our interrupted dance, Ben sliding across the small space to switch places with me so I could rinse out my hair. The water was growing cold now, so I turned the knob just slightly hotter. Ben opened the bottle of body wash and a new fruit filled the air –pomegranate.
“Hand me the poof?” Ben asked.
I tossed my orange bath poof at him, still rinsing the shampoo from my hair. I groaned as Ben started soaping down my chest.
“What are you doing?” I asked, reaching for his wrist.
“You’re going to be late for work.” He stepped closer, the poof moving lower. “I’m just helping you out. Turn around.” The poof slid around my side, up over my shoulders and then across my back in circular lines, his fingers brushing my skin around the edges of the poof as he moved it over my backside, and just slightly between my legs. I felt Ben move closer, moving the poof over my arms, then back down my sides again to scrub down the front and sides of my thighs.
“God, I want to fuck you.”
“I don’t quite think you’re good enough for God, sweetie, but that’s why you have me.” I turned back around, taking the poof from him and tossing it towards the drain to wrap my arms around his neck. “I wish I didn’t have to leave…I’d like to see where this morning could take us.”
“This morning has the makings of amateur porn all over it.” Ben sighed, kissing me. “You better go though, before you’re late. I’ll lock up behind me, I promise.”
“You coming to the diner for lunch?” I asked, slipping out of the shower to unfurl one of the towels, drying off.
“Yeah, I’ll be there. When do you get done?”
“Around four.” I scrubbed at my hair with the towel before wrapping it around my waist. “See you in awhile.” I pushed back the curtain enough to accept another kiss from him before I disappeared from the bathroom.
“Riley! Ben!” Becca was late, as usual. Ben and I had been talking quietly while we set up the camera. Mostly about how we were going to break it to Becca that she wasn’t going to be an Aunt. We had a feeling that she “knew” but just needed confirmation. We also hoped that she wasn’t going to make it an issue, or that she would tell Dad.
“Becca, you’re late.”
“I know, I’m sorry. I ran into Dad on my way out of the house.” She rolled her eyes, like that would explain everything. “So, what are we shooting today?”
“Before we film anything, there’s something Ben and I need to let you know.” I looked away, scratching my arm. I was trying to be nonchalant, but I wasn’t sure how well it was working.
“Uh, okay? What’s up?”
“Err…” I looked at Ben for guidance who shrugged, silently saying ‘She’s your sister, dude’. “I guess there isn’t any other way to say this, then to just say it… Ben and I are seeing each other. So, we don’t want you to be surprised with what we’re filming today.”
Becca raised an eyebrow.
“’Cause we’re kind of shooting the end of the film, with the kiss, today.”
“Okay…” Becca nodded. “Am I supposed to be surprised or something?”
“No, we just…you know, I didn’t want you to be suspicious or anything. I figured you wouldn’t say anything, but you’d wonder, so we just cut out the middle-bit.”
Becca nodded again, slowly, “Right.”
“You’re not surprised or anything?” Ben asked.
“God no, I’ve known you two have been doing it for at least a month. Cripes. At least now I can tell you to keep it the fuck down. Cripes.”
My face turned red, “Are we loud?”
“Let’s just say –be glad Dad goes out to the bar’s most night…or he’s too drunk to hear.”
“Well, if it helps, we haven’t actually done it,” Ben shrugged. “We just do the stuff that leads up to it.”
Becca shuddered, “I didn’t need to know that about my brother, Ben. Thanks.”
“Sorry,” He shrugged. “We’ll try to keep it down in the future.”
“Anyway, why don’t we get some filming done then, since you’ve finally got that off of your chests.” Becca moved behind the camera, flicking it on. “And lets try not to be out here all night either, okay? Two, three takes tops. I’ve got a date later.”
“Well, we’ll try our best Becca.”
The bedroom was dark and quiet. Rain pitter-pattered against the window. We had made it home just in time before the mild summer storm had started. It wasn’t really late yet, but Ben and I were already in bed. He breathed softly against the back of my neck, his arms wrapped around me. It was a comfortable silence that filled the room until Ben kissed my cheek.
“Is that it, we’re just going to bed?” He asked.
“I feel weird knowing that Becca hears.”
“We’ll be really quiet,” He assured me, kissing me on the lips this time, moving to lean up on his elbow. “Besides, she isn’t back from her date yet.”
“But she will be soon, probably.”
“Well, why don’t we worry about Becca when she gets home then?” His lips pressed under my chin as he tilted my head back. “Let me?” His fingers traced under the waistband of my shorts.
I groaned, seriously contemplating telling him no, that it wasn’t “right”. But I gave in when he whined softly in my ear, very puppy-like. “Alright, fine.” I edged over onto my back, putting my arms around his neck. “You can be such a horn-dog, you know that?”
“Only when I’m around you.”
“You’re always around me!”
He grinned, kissing me roughly as his hands started to push my t-shirt up over my chest. He sighed, discontented, “Sit up for a sec.” I obliged, and he pulled my t-shirt over my head. “Much better.”
“I’m glad you’re so easy to please.” I put a hand on his chest. “But we did me this morning. I think it’s your turn, hmm?” I tossed the covers off of us, and pushed him over onto his back before I straddled his hips, kissing him for a moment before I moved back on the bed to give us more room. His boxers slid easily past his lips, and I bit my lip as he escaped the confines of his clothes. Ben tried to look comfortable, tucking an arm under his head to watch me as I tossed his boxers off onto the floor.
“You just gonna stare at it, Riley?” He asked me.
“Give me a minute, I don’t do this that often.” I scoffed. I leaned forward, pressing my lips first to the inside of his thigh. Then I deliberately teased him, my lips nipping at his scrotum. His hips lifted slightly and his fingers twitched to urge me on, but I took my time. He was biting his tongue by the time my tongue actually ran the length of his member. A gasp escaped his lips, and I smiled, sucking down softly on the tip.
“Fuckin’-A.” He sighed, closing his eyes, tilting his head back slightly.
I took it as encouragement, pressing my mouth and tongue in kisses along his member and against his thighs. He groaned approval and he came to rest a hand on the top of my head to coax me along.
“Riley, that’s enough playing around. Get to business, okay?”
“Bossy, bossy…” I chided, wrapping my hand around him. He thrust into the palm of my hand a few times, before he sat upright, pushing my shorts over my hips. I put a hand on his shoulder, steadying myself to toss them away along with the rest of our clothes, before he pulled me closer, pressing together.
“Do you want to be on top?” He asked, kissing my jaw. “It’s easier when we lay down…or we could stand.”
“You made me weak-kneed. We’d fall.” I shook my head, pushing him onto his back again. “Besides, you’re always on top.” I kissed him as I wrapped my hand around both of our members this time, stroking them together.
Ben wrapped a leg around my hips after a minute or so, pulling my hand away, letting me fall on top of him.
“Just let it go,” He insisted, putting a hand on my backside, thrusting me forward against him.
“Why is it that you always seem a little more experienced then I do?” I asked.
He murmured a reply I didn’t understand in my ear. He slid both of his hands to my hips, pushing me at his own pace. He really was bossy in bed, even though everywhere else in our lives, he let me lead him around. But that was okay with me. He wasn’t selfish –he thought about me too. And when we did other things, I made sure that I wasn’t pushing him to hard for something he didn’t want. We were an idyllic pair, really.
He stopped thrusting, and I looked down at him, slightly confused.
“You didn’t come yet,” I breathed, kissing him. “What’s wrong?”
“I want to try something different, go a little further.” He brushed his hand over my forehead, pushing my hair out of my face. “If you’ll let me.”
I raised an eyebrow, “Can you hold out long enough to try something else?” He gave a curt nod, and I pondered, moving up onto my knees, teasing him as the tip of my appendage rubbed lightly against his. “What do you want to try?”
He grinned, pulling me down to whisper in my ear again. I jerked back a moment later, “You really want to do that?”
“Not all the way,” He shook his head. “Just a little bit…a couple of inches is all.”
“But, we don’t have any lube or anything.”
“Trust me,” He pulled me back to kiss him. “I’ll take care of you, Riley.”
“I dunno, Ben. Frot has been working out pretty well for us…” I ran a hand up his chest, twisting my fingers in the thin gold chain he wore at his neck that had his class ring on it –hidden behind him somewhere as it had slipped away. “But if you want too…”
“I’m not telling you that I want too. I’m asking if you want too.”
I bit my tongue, before I shook my head. I guess I wasn’t sure what he had meant by “try something new”. We had pretty much done everything but that. And it wasn’t even that I didn’t want too. I did. I wanted to go “all the way” with him, but it didn’t seem like the right time.
“What’s wrong?” Ben brought our bodies back together. “I didn’t mean to upset you. It was just a suggestion.”
“Nothings’ wrong.” I shook my head, giving him a half smile before I pressed a kiss to his cheek. I opened my mouth to say more, but I wasn’t sure what it was that I should say. What I could I say to try and explain? It wasn’t the right time for that either. We both still harbored raging hard-on’s and Ben’s hands were roving, thrusting us together once again.
As usual, Ben let go first, splattering both of us. He groaned, his breath catching in his throat as he forced my lips to his. The kiss was hard but filled with love, with frustrated passion. He panted, hot against my throat as his hands went between us, stroking just me.
“How the hell do you hold out?” He sighed, shaking his head. “You make me melt, but you’re like a fuckin’ rock.” A gasp escaped my mouth as his grip became more firm. I sat up on my knees, pressing a hand to the headboard, struggling to resist him now as he pushed harder, longer. I moaned as I came, and I joined Ben in his heavy panting, falling against him again, wrapping my arms around his neck. His eyes closed, and he kissed my cheek, then my neck before rolling me away from him, to put some space between our already over-heated bodies.
“Shit,” He sighed after a few moments, looking at his chest and stomach. “We made a huge mess.”
I smiled, “Don’t worry about it –it’s all on us.” I stretched, getting up from the bed to grab a towel from my laundry basket, throwing it at him after I made a quick scrub at my own filthiness. “It could have been a lot worse.” I opened the bottom drawer of my desk for a box of wet-wipes, cleaning off a little better with one, before taking the box to Ben.
He took the box from me, withdrawing a wipe from it as he watched me circle the bed to crawl back into bed with him. “You going to tell me what’s wrong?” He pitched the used wipe towards the trash can, almost missing. “Or are we just going to pretend that everything is normal?” He set the box on the on the table next to the bed, before he slid back under the covers, putting an arm over me. I bit my tongue, turning my cheek against the pillow to look him in the face.
“Nothing is wrong, Ben.”
“Then why don’t you want to go all the way with me, Riley?”
“Ben…”
“No, I’m asking you a legitimate question.”
“How can you say that what we do isn’t going all the way? Lots of guys have sex without actually penetrating one another. We’ve had great sex without it so far.”
“Are you afraid, or you just don’t have an interest in it? –Don’t blow it off. If you’re afraid I’m going to hurt you, I want to put your mind at ease. If you really don’t have an interest in doing it, then I won’t push.” Ben brushed his finger tips through my hair before stroking them down my face. “So what is it? Fear or disinterest?”
“I’m not afraid, Ben.”
“But you’re interested.”
I shrugged, “I want to know what it feels like, I want to feel you inside of me.” I assured him with kiss. “I just…I don’t think the time is right.”
“What about the time? Riley, we’ve been best friends since before we could walk. I’ve loved you for…I’ve always loved you. We’ve been in this kind of a relationship for almost a year… How much more time do you need?”
“Don’t you think it should be…special or something?”
“Baby,” He crooned, pressing his face into my neck. He kissed my throat, then my jaw, and finally my lips. “It’s always special with you.”
My face turned pink, and I turned my face away from him. He sighed, falling back into the pillows.
“We can work up to it.” He suggested, laying his head on my shoulder, stroking his palm along my chest. “Spend less time just thinking about our dicks, hmm?”
“I don’t think that’s the problem.” I pressed my hand on top of his.
“Why don’t you put a little trust in me? You lead me around like a puppy in every other part of our lives…let me take directive in the bedroom, okay?”
“I do trust you, Ben!” I shifted onto my side, wrapping an arm around him. “And you started leading me this direction before we were even a couple.”
“Then let me lead. If it doesn’t feel right, I’ll stop, but you don’t know until you try.”
“Not tonight,” I shook my head.
“No, not tonight,” He agreed. “But tomorrow night, or the night after…” He tilted my face to meet our lips. “By the end of the summer…I want to make you mine.”
“Ben, I’m already yours.” I flushed a brighter shade of pink.
“I know you are, in here.” He tapped my chest. “But I want the rest of you too. …You’re so easy to blush.” He smiled, kissing me again. “Is what I’m saying to you that embarrassing?”
“Yes!”
“Is it because I’m trying to sugarcoat the fact that I really just want to fuck you, hard and rough with no holding back?”
“Yes!”
He laughed, “Okay, I won’t sugarcoat it anymore.” He kissed me again, coaxing my mouth open. His tongue felt wet and rough against mine. Even after months, I still hadn’t grown accustomed to the feeling of having Ben’s tongue so close to my own. I preferred our close-mouth or partially-open kisses. Not that these open-tongue thrashing kisses were bad…they were just different. They weren’t sweet, or passionate really. They just let Ben tell me how much he wanted me, or how much I wanted him. I could tell by how lazily his tongue probed, or in how hard he sucked on my lips.
I pulled away first, pressing my forehead to his chest and closing my eyes. His arms tightened around me, and he placed his chin on the top of my head. We lay in silence for a few minutes as the storm that had been taking place outside of our window started to take a higher pace. Lightening lit the room for a moment s thunder rumbled…and I suddenly saw how perfect a setting we could have had for our evening. But the storm had fallen on my deaf ears earlier –completely forgotten about. I laughed softly, pressing my lips to Ben’s chest.
“What’s funny?”
“Nothing, nothing.” I shook my head, rising to give him another tongue-twisting kiss. “Just thinking about how sexy storms are.”
He smiled, “Well stop thinking sexy thoughts, or we’ll never get to sleep tonight.”
Becca was looking at Ben and I apprehensively from behind the camera the next afternoon. Her pursed lips were making me paranoid, and I finally couldn’t take it anymore.
“Do you have a problem, Becca?” I asked, ruining the section we had been working on.
Becca sighed, pressing a button on the camera, “Well, not exactly. I’m curious…this isn’t like, ‘your story’ is it? Did you two have a confessional start? Ben came up to you and said, “I’d really like to screw you, and I hope you feel the same?” or something as equally horrible?”
“Hardly!” I scoffed.
Ben shrugged, “We just kind of took cues from one another, Becca. We never had to say anything to one another about it. It just seemed kind of right, you know?”
“So, you two have never uttered the word ‘gay; to one another?” Becca crossed her arms over her chest, looking disbelieving.
I shrugged, “I guess not. I don’t think so. Why?”
“I just find that hard to believe.” Becca shook her head.
“Well, we’re not asking to believe us, Becca. We’re asking you to play camera man—err, woman. Person.”
“Yeah, yeah,” she waved us off. “I figured I would just get to know my little brother a little better, that’s all. Whatever.”
Ben took a glance at his watch, “Can we wrap up for the day, Riley? We’ve still got to make a pit stop before we go home to start editing.” He raised an eyebrow at me.
I nodded, “Yeah, I don’t feel like finishing up today anyway. It’s too wet out to get anything good anyway. It feels like it’s going to rain again too.”
“Where are you two going?” Becca asked, starting to dismantle the camera. “Can I come along?”
“Ah…” I glanced at Ben who gave me a half shrug. “I don’t think you really want to tag along with us, Becca.”
“Why not?” She was either really that daft that we didn’t want her along, or she was just very persistent. Or quite possibly, both.
“Well, we’re just going to pick up some stuff for our editing session tonight. And, well, you aren’t a part of that.”
“Stuff for your ‘editing session’ or for your ‘after-party’ of the editing session?” She gave us a quirky look before collapsing down the tri-pod and carrying it and the camera over to the camera bag.
“Maybe a little of both, what of it? Either way, we don’t want you along.”
“Yeah, yeah –I can take a hint. I have to work anyway, so whatever.” She let me zip up the camera bag and throw it over my shoulder. “Talk to you guys later?”
“Yeah,” I nodded. Ben and I watched her walk away before we followed in a similar direction towards home.
“So, do you think it’s weird that we’ve never told each other we were gay…like Becca said.” Ben asked.
“We never needed too,” I shrugged. “And I think it’s a little late now, isn’t it?”
“Well yeah,” Ben shrugged. “Do you think she has the wrong idea about us though?”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“She doesn’t seem ‘okay’ about us. I mean, she’s asking questions, but she’s also being kind of critical.”
“Ben, that’s just Becca. She’s critical of everything I do –I’m her little brother. She’s supposed to be critical of me.”
“Maybe.”
“Something’s bothering you.” It wasn’t a question. I could tell when something wasn’t quite sitting right with Ben.
“Kind of…” He reached up to rub the back of his neck. “I guess…we’ve told Becca, and she’s ‘okay’ with this, but…what about your Dad and my parents? I mean, are we going to tell them? Are we just going to let them figure it out for themselves?”
“You tried telling your parents that were gay –what did that get you?”
“Dates with a bunch of bible-thumping girls,” Ben rolled his eyes.
“Exactly. And, I don’t think my Dad needs to know.” I shook my head. Telling my Dad was one prospect that really scared me. He seemed to have knee-jerk reactions to just about anything, and was never consistent in any of them. He would either take it in incredibly well, or he would take it out in an abusive, alcohol-induced rage. If something didn’t sit well with my Dad, his answer was to get drunk…actually, that was his answer to just about everything since Mom died.
“Riley…” He reached out to take my hand, and I pulled away.
“Not in the park, Ben.”
He sighed, taking a curt nod, “Right. Sorry.”
“Don’t take that tone with me.” I sighed, shaking my head. “I don’t mean it like that and you know it.”
“Do I?”
“In any other town, I would kiss you in the street…but this is our hometown. And it’s small. People talk, and we still have a year of high school left. Let’s not get run out of town before graduation, okay?” I bumped my hip against his. “I’m just thinking about us, Ben. Once we can get out of this hell-hole little town, I’m yours wherever you want me.”
Ben smiled softly, shaking his head as he looked away.
“If you want, we can fool around before we go to the store,” I whispered to him with a sly smile.
“Why waste it when I can fuck you when we get back?” He raised an eyebrow. “I’m going to teach you, Riley. Even I have to do it with you kicking and screaming –figuratively and literally.”
“You gonna make me scream, Ben?” I raised an eyebrow.
“I might, if you’re naughty.” Ben grinned.
“Ooh, don’t tempt me.” I pulled my keys out of my pocket as we turned into my driveway. “Let me grab my wallet out of my room and then we can go, okay?”
“Sure,” Ben nodded, following behind me into the house. I disappeared up to my room for a few minutes to put away my camera and gear, and to pick up my wallet. Ben made himself comfortable on the couch with an issue of Cosmo.
“Ready?” I asked, turning into the living room after shoving my wallet and keys back into my pocket.
“Yeah, lets go.” He tossed away the magazine beside himself before heaving heavily off the couch. “So, how are we doing this? It’s going to look suspicious if we if we throw a bottle of lube up on the counter with our chips and pop.”
“They don’t know that’s what it’s for, Ben.” I rolled my eyes. “People buy lube for all kinds of reasons –not just because they plan on having sex with it.”
Ben nodded, pulling his keys out of his pocket for his early-80’s mustang his parents had bought him for his birthday two years ago. It had been parked at the curb for nearly three days now but no one (namely my father) hadn’t complained. Mostly Ben and I walked places, but having a car was nice sometimes, even for those short trips.
“Well, why don’t you pick up the food, and I’ll get the…recreational supplies?” Ben suggested.
“Ben, we can get it together. It’s not a big deal.”
“Two guys buying KY or Astroglide is a big deal, Riley.” He shook his head. “And maybe we should pick up a box of condoms too.” He didn’t look at me as he made the suggestion.
I furrowed my eyebrows, “Why?”
“Well, because. I just want you to feel safer, and they might help.”
“What are condoms going to protect me from? You don’t have anything! …Do you?”
“No!”
“Well, you can’t blame me for wondering!” I pulled my seat belt across my chest, clicking it into place. “You’ve done all of this before, haven’t you? How do you know that the guy you did it with then was clean?”
Ben sighed, “Look, it was…a long time ago, and it didn’t mean anything.”
My chest felt like it was going to collapse. I had always kind of assumed that something had happened with Ben and another guy before, but he’d ever actually confirmed it for me. I guess subconsciously I thought that if I didn’t know, it didn’t happen. But know I knew –he had just told me.
“Who was it?”
Ben shoved his key into the ignition but didn’t turn it over, “Riley…”
“No, I want to know. Who was it, when was it…Was it before ‘us’?”
“When it happened, we had only fooled around a couple of times.”
“Oh yes, that really narrows it down, Benjamin.”
“Remember when I went to that summer camp the summer after we turned sixteen? How I didn’t want to go because I thought it was stupid, but you were going to that filmography camp, so I sucked it up and we had to spend the entire summer in different parts of the state? The one year we didn’t make a movie.”
“Of course I remember.” I nodded. “I hated that summer. It was the summer after Mom died.”
“Yeah.” He nodded.
I waited for more, but he didn’t open his mouth. “Ben…You’re not giving me the whole story here.”
“I made a mistake.” He looked up at me, “Don’t hold that against me.”
“I’m not holding anything against you, Ben! But I thought us being together meant that we were learning together, and we aren’t! You’ve already gone all the way with some other guy!”
“But we can use that to our advantage, Riley!” He shifted to look at me better. “I mean, yeah I slept with some guy and I never told you about it. It was before we ever even mentioned the word ‘couple’. We weren’t together when I did it, so it isn’t even like I cheated on you!”
“How can you say that?” I asked. “We’ve been a couple practically since birth!”
“Riley!”
I sighed, shaking my head, “Let’s just go, okay?”
“Riley, we can’t go if you’re going to be mad at me.”
“I’m not mad at you, I’m frustrated at you.”
“That’s the same thing.”
“No it isn’t. Read a fucking dictionary.”
Riley nodded, “Okay, whatever.”
“No, not ‘whatever’! You slept with some guy, Ben! You never told me!”
“I didn’t think it was a problem. When I did it…we had only ever kissed a couple of times. We’d never even been on a date…our feelings then weren’t what they are now.”
I shook my head, reaching for the door. It gave a creak as I opened it, “You know, I don’t need you tonight. Why don’t you just go home? You haven’t seen your parents in a couple of days.”
“Riley, don’t go off like that.” He reached for me, but I was already out of the car. It gave a satisfying clank as I slammed the door closed, and went back towards the house. He was behind me a second later, but not fast enough as I broke into a run for the house, locking the door behind me before I sank to the floor in the foyer.
“Riley, Ben is downstairs. He says he just wants to talk to you.”
“Tell him I’m busy.” I replied. Since I had left him a few hours before, Ben had called six times after banging on the door for nearly thirty minutes. Now it was nearly eight o’clock and I had been dawdling with some of the preliminary editing of our summer film.
“Look, I don’t know what’s going on between the two of you, but I’m letting him up and you can shout at one another through the door or something.” Becca sounded annoyed.
“Whatever, I don’t want to hear what he has to say. Just tell him to go home.”
“Riley…”
“You don’t know what it’s about Becca, so don’t judge me, okay?”
“He’s coming up. You can yell at me later.”
“Becca!” I turned from the computer screen, almost standing before I realized that she was probably gone and Ben would soon be in her place…and I really didn’t want to see Ben’s face.
I leaned back into the chair, looking at the screen. It was bad enough hearing and seeing him on my computer screen…I didn’t want to deal with the real thing right now. I shook my head, clicking the save tab and turning off the monitor before getting up to flick off the light. Ben knocked just as I started to push away some of my clothes, and pulled back the covers to crawl into bed.
“Riley?” His voice was quiet. Evidentially Becca was either still standing there or my Dad had come home while I had been zoning out on my editing. I bit my lip, shifting onto my shoulder, turning away from the door. “I know you’re in there. Just talk to me, okay? There was a bit of silence as he waited, and then he sighed loudly. “Riley, look…Just come open the door. I can’t talk to a wall all night.”
“Go home, Ben.”
“I can’t go home.”
“Then go somewhere else, because you can’t stay here.”
“Riley, don’t be like this…c’mon. Just let me in. If you don’t like what I have to say, I’ll go home until you’re ready to speak to me again.”
“And what if I’m never ready to speak to you again, hmm?” I threw back the covers, crossing the growing-cold floor to wrench open the door.
“Don’t say that!” He shook his head.
“Maybe it’s time for us to grow apart? Did you think about that?”
“This isn’t growing apart, Riley. This is driving a fence between us. I know why you’re angry, and I accept that fact that I made you angry…but I can’t do anything about what I did now. It’s in the past. It’s done. What do you want me to say?”
I pulled him into the room, shoving him towards the bed as I closed the door. My voice turned in a mere whisper –I didn’t want Becca to hear, and I definitely didn’t want my Dad to hear what I was about to say.
“When you fucked him…did you like it?”
“What kind of question is that?”
“It’s a question I’m asking you. I want to know. When you decided to have sex with this guy…this stranger that you probably only knew for a few weeks, did you enjoy it?” I crossed my arms over my chest.
“I…I don’t know. It was a long time ago, Riley.”
“Bullshit. Everyone remembers their first time.”
“Riley…”
“You liked it. It just say it.”
He sighed defeat, “Fine…I liked it. Of course I liked it. How could I not? He was like…the fucking Camp Adonis, and he was interested in me, Riley. Me. He could have had any other guy at that camp –even the straight ones. But he wanted me, and I let him. It was stupid, I was immature, and now I’ve completely fucked up our relationship, but I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
“Saying that you’re sorry isn’t going to fix this.”
“What is there is fix, Riley? I don’t understand what this…I don’t understand. Why are you so angry at me?”
“Because I was supposed to be your first, Ben! We’ve always done everything together but…you could wait for me!”
“I didn’t know!”
“You did so know! I knew! I had chances to sleep with other guys too, but I didn’t act on any of them! I knew that I wanted you. I knew that I wanted you to by my first.”
“What do you want me to say?”
“I want you to really be sorry! Not just say the words, but really feel sorry. You don’t think that you’ve done anything wrong, but…you don’t understand. You’ve never understood. …And that’s why you can’t stay here tonight.”
“Riley…” He stepped forward, trying to take my hand. I crossed my arms tighter across my chest, and stepped away from him, opening the door again.
“Please go home.”
“Riley,” He repeated. He ran his fingers across my cheek but I refused to look at him. He sighed, knowing that he wasn’t going to get through to me –not tonight at any rate. “Fine. I’ll go home. …Call me. When you’re not angry anymore.” He took a chance at changing my mind, forcing my arms apart and hugging me tightly to his chest. My stomach sank, but I didn’t give in to him. I held my arms loosely at my side, and Ben held me for a moment, before he spoke again.
“I love you.”
“I know.”
He released me, stepping towards the door, “Oh, uh…when he do decide to pick u the phone, call my cell, not my house. My, uh…my parents aren’t speaking to me right now either.”
My heart leapt for concern, but I stayed back. Curiosity wasn’t going to get the best of me. Ben had other friends, other family. It wasn’t like he was going to be sleeping in his car tonight or anything. I would sleep on our problems and call him in the morning. He disappeared from the doorway, and I listened to his shoes thunking down the stairway. I bit my tongue to keep from calling him back, and closed the door to crawl back into bed --alone for the first time in over a month.
“So, what did you do that your parents aren’t talking to you?” I was still holed up in my room, but at least I was talking to Ben again. It still bothered me that he had sex with some other guy. But like he had argued –it had been before we were a couple, and it wasn’t like he had been tied to me for eternity.
“I went home and they wanted to set me up with another girl. I told them I wasn’t interested. We started to argue.”
“Is it…is it going to be okay?”
“Yeah, it’ll be fine. They’ll get over it.”
“Are you here yet?” I asked.
“Yeah, I’m almost there. …Hey, does this mean we get to have make-up sex? Since this was our first big fight, I think that make-up sex is in order.”
“I’ll think about it. I want you to look at the edit so far, and then we can talk about sex.”
“Ah, you’re so bossy! I’m coming in the house now, I’ll be up in a second.”
“Okay.” The buzz clicked on in my ear, and I hung up, getting up from my bed to open the door just as Ben appeared at the top of the stairs, shoving his cell phone into a pocket on his jacket.
“About fuckin’ time,” I pulled him into the room and pushed him, a little more nicely then I had the night before, towards the bed. He fell back onto the mattress, leaning up on his elbows with a raised eyebrow.
“I thought you wanted me to look at the edit?”
“Later, later,” I waved it away, straddling his hips. “Let me apologize the right way, hmm?”
He reached up, running his fingers through my hair as I kissed him. I unzipped his jacket, pushing it back over his shoulders.
“The door is still open,” He breathed, kissing my cheek as he sat up to pull his jacket off the rest of the way.
“So what –no one’s home but us,” I shrugged, tugging his shirt over his head. “It’s ten o’clock in the morning –Dad is at safely at work and Becca is out until this afternoon.”
“It just feels like we’re asking for someone to walk in.”
“I’ll keep a close ear on the front door…If someone walks in, I’ll stop everything to shut the door. Now shut up, please?” I asked, pressing my lips down his chest. His skin was smooth under my fingers, and the smell of apple shampoo was fresh in his hair.
“Billy didn’t have anything other then apple, hm?” I leaned forward to smell his hair. “I’m not sure how I feel about you sleeping over there by the way.”
“Well, it was Billy’s or the street. I choose Billy’s.”
“I’m sorry. Let me make it up to you.” I kissed him again –one of those deep tongue-involved kisses that even though I wasn’t overly fond of them, I knew that Ben liked.
“That’s a good start, but there’s another way –a better way.”
“I know,” I sighed, shifting to one side, and leaning on my elbow. He shifted his eyes at me, and raised an eyebrow.
“What’s wrong?”
“It still bothers me that I’m not your first, Ben.”
“But I’ll still be yours. And there are still loads of things we haven’t tried together. Why is the fact that I’ve had my dick in some other guy –just one other guy, such a big deal?”
“Because, Ben. I wanted to be that ‘some other guy’.”
“You want to know why I didn’t wait for you?” He asked,
“Why?” I replied, not sure if I really wanted to hear this crappy answer he had set up. Like he was going to magically say something that would make everything I was feeling about this just disappear.
“Because, when we did do it, I wanted to know before hand what it should be like, feel like, what I should do…so I didn’t hurt you. You want you to like this, not fuck it up and have you never want to try it again, even if I mess up.”
“Ben, you’re not going to hurt me.” I rolled my eyes.
“Yeah, now I won’t. Before I was a fucking bumbling fool. I know what I’m doing now!”
“Because of this other guy.”
“Because I totally fucked up when I was with the other guy.” He shook his head. “It was awful. I mean, he was a good sport about it and all, but I could tell he was thinking what a mistake it had been the whole time.”
“Ben…” I shook my head, not able to hold back my smile. “Just, shut up.” I wrapped my arms around his neck, pressing our lips together in a chaste little kiss. “Fuck me.”
“Are you sure?” Ben tugged his fingers through my hair.
I nodded, “Yeah, I’m sure.”
“Like…really-really sure. You want to do this?”
“Ben, I said yes.” I sighed, scooting over him to get off of the bed. I crossed the floor to close the door before turning back to him. “I want to, okay?” I pulled my shirt over my head, tossing it towards my chair near the desk. My jeaned unzipped easily and fell past my hips and thighs to pool onto the floor. I moved back over to the bed, yanking Ben’s sneakers and socks off his feet, tossing them aside with loud clunking noises. He leaned up on his elbows to watch as I unzipped his jeans.
“Lift your hips up,” I requested, brushing my fingernails against his bare hips as I moved to yank off the last of this clothes. He did, and watched the denim soar across the room.
“You’ve still got something in the way,” He sat up, entwining his legs with mine as he perched on the edge of the bed. His lips and tongue nipped at my stomach and his fingers pushed away my shorts. They joined the growing pile on the floor, and Ben pulled wrapped his arms around me to pull me back onto the bed.
He stopped kissing me long enough to look up, “How do you want to do it?”
I shrugged, “I don’t know. What’s easiest?”
He hummed, “Well, I think for your first time a missionary will be best. Maybe we should move to the floor, hmm?”
I nodded, backing away from him, “Let’s pull off one of the blankets though, you know…for padding.”
Ben nodded in agreement and pulled the top cover off of my bed, spreading it out on the floor. Then he grabbed a couple of the pillows and tossed those down too. “We’ll want those later.”
“What about…you know, the stuff?” I asked, putting my hands on his bare hips.
“Oh,” He smiled, licking my lips softly. “I picked them up last night –I knew you’d give in.” He kissed me, fully on the lips, his tongue brushing the tip of mine before he backed away to pick up his jacket. He dug around in an inner pocket, and came back to me with a bottle of unopened lube and a few foil packets.
“Okay…we don’t have to use these.” He put his arms over my shoulders. “I am totally disease free, and I think it is fairly safe to assume that you are too.” He nudged my face up with his to kiss me. “But, I think it would be a good idea.” He raised an eyebrow. “Is this going to be another argument or are you just going to go along with what I tell you to do?”
“Well…the bedroom is your domain, so…what you say goes, Ben.” I shrugged.
“That is such a lie,” He smiled, shaking his head. “I still do everything you tell me…I always think of you when we’re doing things.” His arms slipped around my waist as he dropped our supplies to the floor. “C’mon, lay down.” He started to sink to the ground, and I followed. “Are you nervous?” He asked, covering my body with his, starting out the way we usually did with our bodies rubbing together. He had paused long enough to open the bottle of lube and pour it liberally along our members, rubbing his hands over both of our pieces before letting them slip and slide naturally together and harden.
I nodded, “Just a little.”
“Don’t be,” Ben shook his head, his lips on my chin, my jaw, my temple, my throat –everywhere but my lips. “You’ll like this, I promise.”
“Hmm, if you don’t stop frotting soon, I don’t think we’ll get to the main event. I’m already dangerously close…” I hummed, stretching my arms above my head.
He laughed, kissing me and giving me one last teasing thrust before he moved away. My body groaned with me at the loss of contact, and Ben nudged my hip. “Okay, get up on all fours. Take a pillow to lean on,” He suggested.
I did as he said, hugging the pillow to my chest. Behind me, Ben adjusted me to where he wanted me, adjusting the slant of my back by moving my knees apart. His hands skated across my skin, his nails gently scratching little lines over my backside. Then he put his mouth to my opening and I just about died. One of his hands was between my legs, the other spreading my cheeks apart while his tongue did some kind of dance. Then he moved away, and I couldn’t hold back the disappointed noise that passed my lips.
“Don’t fret,” He pressed a kiss to my hip. “I’m just grabbing more lube.” The liquid was cool as it fell across my skin, and he made quick work of rubbing it where he needed it. “I’m going to use my fingers first, okay? Just relax your muscles. Push out, don’t like suck it in.”
I nodded. I was finding it kind of sexy that Ben was explaining what he was doing as he did it –it made me feel like he was more experienced (which I guess he was…), and more at ease. It was as if he was training a new sex slave –which I was more then willing to be, for Ben. I gasp as his finger prodded inside. Just one at first, and I groaned Why hadn’t we done this sooner? His first was joined by a second, and I felt more lube be spread inside and out of me before he added a third..
“Are you ready?” His fingers were still thrusting in and out of me as he got up on his knees behind me to leaned forward and whisper in my ear. “I can do more of this if you need more time.”
I shook my head, “Any more of this and I’m going to come. Do it.” He made a small noise of agreement before he withdrew his fingers. I moaned –loudly. He laughed at me again, and I turned just enough to watch him open one of the foil wrappers and slid a transparent sheath over his penis. The tips of his fingers were soon after replaced by something else –something slightly larger, rounder, and harder.
“Do the same thing now –you did really good, Riley.” Ben’s hands were on my hips, and the tip of his cock was slowly pressing down, gaining entrance inside of me. I moaned louder, shifting my knees a little further apart, and unclenching the pillow from my chest. Ben groaned at the little shift, and tugged on my hips. “A little higher. You’re too low.”
“Are you in yet?” I asked. I could feel the he was definitely inside of me now, but I couldn’t tell if it was all of him.
“Not quite all the way. Give yourself some time,” His hands rubbed at my shoulders. “Relax.” His hands kneaded and massaged their way down my back until I could feel his pelvis pressing against my backside, his balls pressing almost against mine. I swore, and he grinned, leaning forward to kiss a trail down my back.
“Are you okay? Does it feel good?”
“It feels good,” I confirmed. “Different, but I think it’s good.”
He pulled out just a little, tugging my cheeks apart. I closed my eyes and pressed my face into my arm. He kissed me on the cheek.
“Ready to go all the way?” He asked. “You tell me to stop if it doesn’t feel right, or it hurts.” He titled my face to kiss my lips. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
I nodded, “Okay. Go for it.”
He let me go, putting his hands back on my hips, grasping me tightly in his hands as he withdrew, and I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I had been holding as he pushed back into me. I hugged the pillow more tightly to my chest, and tried to just enjoy the new sensations and not think to much about other things that were suddenly racing through my mind. My head was spinning by the time Ben had built up a rhythm and reached around to stroke me. My mouth dropped open, but there wasn’t any air left to make a sound.
“Are you okay?” Ben’s voice was in my ear again. “You’re sure you’re breathing?”
I nodded, taking a big gulp of air, “I’m fine.”
“Good…I don’t want you pass out before we’re finished.” He kissed my cheek. He paused for the last time to give us a little more lube before he leaned forward again, “I’m almost done, and then I’ll finish you…okay?”
I nodded, hugging the pillow even tighter then before. He kissed me again before putting his hands back on my stomach. He thrust in harder then before –faster then before. A small noise of pain when unnoticed, but the second –a louder one didn’t. He slowed, moving out of me. I couldn’t help the whine that sounded as he popped out. Just a hard touch on my hip had me sprawled on my back. He pulled the condom off and started stroking himself.
“Why’d you stop?” I asked, watching him, biting my tongue as he bit his bottom lip –one of his little things he did while masturbating that drove me absolutely crazy.
“I was hurting you, so I stopped.” He shrugged. He rubbed a hand between my legs, and I groaned. Then he pushed me back onto the pillow, pressing our bodies together and thrusting forward. I wouldn’t reprimand him yet –I’d wait until we were both finished.
It didn’t take long before both of us were covered in each others (and our own) come. Ben lay on top of me for a moment, his face pressed against my shoulder for a minute, still gently rocking with his toes pressing against the carpet. He kissed a line to my lips before he rolled away, wiping his arm across his sweat-covered forehead.
I shifted onto my side, locking a leg in with his, “You could have finished, Ben.”
“I just did! –Or did you not feel the six or seven jets of my come mixing in with yours?” His head lolled towards mine. I smiled, shaking my head.
“I wanted you to finish inside of me. You didn’t have to stop.”
“Yes, I did.” He shifted onto his side too, leaning up on an elbow, “I wasn’t going to hurt you, so I stopped.”
“Ben…You weren’t hurting me. And even if you were, it’s just a part of what we were doing. People hurt. I mean, it’s a violation of nature, you know? Things aren’t really meant to go up there.”
He smiled, leaning forward to kiss me, “Next time, I’ll finish inside of you then. No matter what kind of noises you’re making.” He wrapped an arm around my shoulder, pulling me just slightly on top o him. We kissed for a few minutes before he sighed, pressing his forehead to mine. “We’ve made kind of a mess here.”
“No one’s home –lets take round two to the shower?” I suggested, getting up on my knees. My body groaned in protest, but I ignored it.
“Yeah, you’ll want a shower –maybe some ice too. He got up on his knees to press his lips to my hip. “You are going to be so sore later, it’s not even funny.”
I took his word for it, and led him towards the bathroom. We were both still naked, and it felt very forbidden to be making the short trip from my bedroom to the bathroom, just down he hall. It was like, at any moment my Dad or Becca could come home and catch us –and then what? Becca would probably just turn around, and walk back down the stairs, but my Dad? Who knew.
“Hey Ben…” I asked, massaging my soapy fingers through his hair while we stood under the hot jets of water a few minutes later. “When you were with the other guy—“
“Riley, no, we are not starting this again. There is no other guy anymore, okay? Just you. Just me.” He kissed me forcefully, to drive his theory home. I laughed, shaking my head.
“No, I just want to know…when you had sex with him, did you top him, or did you bottom for him too?”
He furrowed his eyebrows at me, “Why do you ask?”
“I just want to know…if I can still be your first.”
Ben smiled, shaking his head, “I dunno, Riley. Being a bottom has always kind of freaked me out a little to be honest.”
I smiled back, switching places with him under the spray, and tilting his head back in the water. “I’ll take care of you.”
Once the shampoo was gone from his hair, he looked back down at me. His hands were on my shoulders, his fingers digging into the joints. His knees were knocked against mine, and we touched everywhere in between. He nudged my face upwards, kissing me with a simple passion –a chaste affection.
When he stepped back from our kiss, he smiled, “I know you will. –But not today. I’m having to much fun breaking you in.” His hands slipped down my shoulders to squeeze my backside.
“Ben, we just got clean!”
“But being dirty is way more fun.”
Monday, January 07, 2008
Monday, December 10, 2007
How the Scene Plays
Author’s Note: The tense change is sort of intentional. Just so you know. It could be changed rather easily though, so let me know what you think about it.
How the Scene Plays
“Oh my god –I was so worried! Where have you been?” His voice sent chills. I hated that I had made him worry. I hated that note of fear in his voice.
“I’m sorry. I was going to call, but my phone was almost dead and I didn’t want to waste a call if I really needed to make one later,” I kissed his lips. “Are you mad?”
“You scared me. You know that I hate it when you insist on driving in this shitty weather.”
“Well, I can’t very well quit my job, Love.” I wrapped my arms around his waist. “I’m here now, so just relax okay? You’re always so tense.”
He sighed, wrapping his arms around me too and resting his head on my shoulder.
“Let me take care of you –just for a couple of hours?”
I smiled, “Take care of me?”
“Uh huh. For starters, lets’ get you out of these wet clothes. You’re going to catch a cold.” His fingers undid my belt and probed under the waistband of my khaki work pants, pushing them over my hips.
“Hey! Not in the living room!” I protested, swatting his hands away. “Cripes, you’re so…handsy!”
“Come upstairs then,” He suggested. His lips were soft against mine, sweet. “We’ll get naked and take a how shower together.”
“Tempting, but I never seem to get clean after a shower with you.” I teased.
“Getting dirty is half the fun,” He scoffed. “What do you say?”
“I dunno…I have laundry and schoolwork to finish. I don’t really have time—”
“You should make time to fool around. I’ll do your laundry for you tomorrow while you’re at work, and I’ll help you out with the school stuff when you get done.”
“Hmmm…You are infuriating, aren’t you? But sort of sweet. You just want to have sex.”
“Well, that’s part of it, but we don’t have to. If you don’t want to, just take a shower and crawl into bed. That would be okay too. I just want to be close to you… You scared me today. You were nearly an hour late, no phone call, no texts. None of your friends or even your Mom had heard from you.” He sighed heavily, hiding his face against my neck again. “I want you close. Where I know you’re OK.”
“Drama Queen!” I teased.
“Shut up. You’re so mean to me. You don’t have any horror stories from your journey for me, do you?”
“Err…not that you want to hear!” I smiled. Then I laughed when he grumbled deep down in his throat at me. He lifted his head.
“C’mon, lets go shower.”
The hot water felt good –rinsing away the day’s layer of grime and worry. I had managed to send him to the bedroom so I could spend a few relaxed minutes alone. I could hear him through the rhythmic pounding of the water, and the thin walls, putzing around in the bedroom. He was probably laying out clothes for me then. The short black shorts along with the one-size-too-small grey tank top that had a habit of riding up over my stomach while I slept. He likes me to wear these things, though I’m not sure why. Maybe he thinks that they make me sexy, but I don’t think so. If he thought I would go along with it, he’d ask me to sleep nude with him, but I won’t. I’m too self-conscious.
“Babe, are you almost done?” The voice came after a short knock and the creak of the door opening.
“Just gotta shave. Give me a few more minutes. Cripes.” I wasn’t really annoyed with him, but I let him think that I was.
In the bedroom, he played the voyeur while I got dressed. Then he gots up, taking the towel from me and scrubs my hair roughly with it. I laughed, tolerating the brutality for a minute before I yanked the towel away.
“Too rough,” I chided.
“My bad,” he shruged.
He follows me around like a puppy who wants to play while I throw my laundry into a basket and lug it down to our unfinished basement to load it into the washer. He helps me sort it out, teasing me about my underwear and adding just a little too much fabric softener to the load.
“Okay –laundry is done. What’s next?”
A glance at the clock and I give in to him. We go back upstairs for half an hour of play time. Afterwards, we’re only half-dressed, our bodies still warm and pressing lightly together with the sheets pulled around us. His breath is warm on my neck and I feel like I could stay in this bed forever. We hear the buzzer on the washer go off, even all of the way upstairs and I sigh. Back to business.
“Stay.” He pulls me back before scooting out of bed, pulling his boxers over his hips. I watch him move around the bed, listening for the sound of his footsteps once he’s out of sight. He’s gone for about fifteen minutes, and I get out of bed once to pull my clothes back on and turn up the heat a couple of notches before crawling back into bed.
“Clothes are in the dryer,” He kisses me as he crawls back into bed. “Hey –why’d you get dressed?”
I laugh at him again, “I still have work to do. Don’t worry, we can la here for a few more minutes.”
He sighs, sounding annoyed, “Fine.”
I curl up with my head against his chest and close my eyes.
Then without warning, I shift to sleep.
The next morning sends curses through the apartment. He tries to quiet me, but I still can’t help but be mad at myself. While I had actually gotten some decent sleep for once, my paper had continued to go unwritten and now it was Sunday Morning, with the prospect of work still looming.
“I told you I’d help you with it,” He reminds me.
I feel warm all of a sudden and I move to the thermostat to turn the heat down a few notches.
“You know that isn’t the problem.”
“Then what is?”
“I’m becoming to attached to you.” I turn to look at him and I recognize the expression of confused hurt on his face.
“What are you talking about?”
I sigh. It had gone on too long, this romance between the two of us.
“Did he ever tell you why we broke up?” We both knew who “he” was. My ex. His best friend and former roommate. We had met through him and gone out a few times behind his back when he still lived here before we decided to make a go of it.
“Not really, just that you grew apart. We’ve only been dating for a couple of months, babe. You can’t tell me we’re already growing apart!”
“That’s…that’s not what happened.” I sigh again. “I don’t like getting dependant on someone. I don’t like feeling this…this way.”
“What way? I don’t understand a thing you’re saying!”
“I don’t like feeling like I need you.”
“You don’t like the feeling of being in love, is that what you’re trying to say?”
I shrug, “Maybe that’s what it is. I don’t know…I’ve just never felt comfortable getting so close to someone. It’s like, it closes options to me.”
“What kind of options?”
I purse my lips for a moment, “You know when you start going out with someone, and it’s fun and care free, and then you get closer and closer to the person, so you start spending nights together, and then weekends, and you end up moving in together. Then suddenly you start talking about getting married, and having kids, and it’s like you’re completely tied to this person with no other life prospect ahead of you except this one person and this one life and there is no getting out of it unless you totally uproot the entire process.”
“Babe…” He shakes his head. “You can’t be afraid of life. That’s what happens –people fall in love, get married, have kids, grow old together.”
“But maybe I don’t want to do that!” I counter. “I want to have that option to leave you!”
“Why do you want to leave me?” He looks hurt again –the same look of hurt that I had seen on other boyfriends faces when I told them I couldn’t continue to see them. The same look of hurt that came when I told them that we were too close.
“I don’t want to! I want to have the option to!”
“Babe…you always have the option to leave me. I don’t want you to leave me, but…you can walk away from me any time you want. We can get closer, we can get married, we can have a family, and you can walk away if that’s what you need to do. But you can come back when you’re ready.”
“What if we do that –what if we stay together, and I walk. What happens to you then? What happens to our kids?”
“Babe, we don’t even have any kids.”
“Hypothetically, asshole,” I sneer.
“Then I’d take care of them until you came back.”
“And if I never came back? If I just left you with a couple of babies to raise on your own.”
“I’d have faith in you, and that would keep me going.” He pulled me into his arms. “This conversation is too serious –we’re only twenty, babe. We’ve got plenty of time before we’ve got to talk about a future together.”
His smell was intoxicating as he pressed his face against my neck, his lips brushing my throat. His fingers are cool as they move underneath the hem of my t-shirt. His arms are tight around my waist and he picks me up effortlessly a few inches off of the ground.
“Tell me you’re not leaving me.” He requests.
“I have to leave –I have to work in half an hour.”
“You know what I mean, smart ass.”
I smile, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek, “No, I’m not leaving you. Not yet.”
“Promise me something.” He says, dropping me back to the floor.
“Yes?”
“When you do leave me…give me fair warning.”
I nod, “Can do, Love.”
How the Scene Plays
“Oh my god –I was so worried! Where have you been?” His voice sent chills. I hated that I had made him worry. I hated that note of fear in his voice.
“I’m sorry. I was going to call, but my phone was almost dead and I didn’t want to waste a call if I really needed to make one later,” I kissed his lips. “Are you mad?”
“You scared me. You know that I hate it when you insist on driving in this shitty weather.”
“Well, I can’t very well quit my job, Love.” I wrapped my arms around his waist. “I’m here now, so just relax okay? You’re always so tense.”
He sighed, wrapping his arms around me too and resting his head on my shoulder.
“Let me take care of you –just for a couple of hours?”
I smiled, “Take care of me?”
“Uh huh. For starters, lets’ get you out of these wet clothes. You’re going to catch a cold.” His fingers undid my belt and probed under the waistband of my khaki work pants, pushing them over my hips.
“Hey! Not in the living room!” I protested, swatting his hands away. “Cripes, you’re so…handsy!”
“Come upstairs then,” He suggested. His lips were soft against mine, sweet. “We’ll get naked and take a how shower together.”
“Tempting, but I never seem to get clean after a shower with you.” I teased.
“Getting dirty is half the fun,” He scoffed. “What do you say?”
“I dunno…I have laundry and schoolwork to finish. I don’t really have time—”
“You should make time to fool around. I’ll do your laundry for you tomorrow while you’re at work, and I’ll help you out with the school stuff when you get done.”
“Hmmm…You are infuriating, aren’t you? But sort of sweet. You just want to have sex.”
“Well, that’s part of it, but we don’t have to. If you don’t want to, just take a shower and crawl into bed. That would be okay too. I just want to be close to you… You scared me today. You were nearly an hour late, no phone call, no texts. None of your friends or even your Mom had heard from you.” He sighed heavily, hiding his face against my neck again. “I want you close. Where I know you’re OK.”
“Drama Queen!” I teased.
“Shut up. You’re so mean to me. You don’t have any horror stories from your journey for me, do you?”
“Err…not that you want to hear!” I smiled. Then I laughed when he grumbled deep down in his throat at me. He lifted his head.
“C’mon, lets go shower.”
The hot water felt good –rinsing away the day’s layer of grime and worry. I had managed to send him to the bedroom so I could spend a few relaxed minutes alone. I could hear him through the rhythmic pounding of the water, and the thin walls, putzing around in the bedroom. He was probably laying out clothes for me then. The short black shorts along with the one-size-too-small grey tank top that had a habit of riding up over my stomach while I slept. He likes me to wear these things, though I’m not sure why. Maybe he thinks that they make me sexy, but I don’t think so. If he thought I would go along with it, he’d ask me to sleep nude with him, but I won’t. I’m too self-conscious.
“Babe, are you almost done?” The voice came after a short knock and the creak of the door opening.
“Just gotta shave. Give me a few more minutes. Cripes.” I wasn’t really annoyed with him, but I let him think that I was.
In the bedroom, he played the voyeur while I got dressed. Then he gots up, taking the towel from me and scrubs my hair roughly with it. I laughed, tolerating the brutality for a minute before I yanked the towel away.
“Too rough,” I chided.
“My bad,” he shruged.
He follows me around like a puppy who wants to play while I throw my laundry into a basket and lug it down to our unfinished basement to load it into the washer. He helps me sort it out, teasing me about my underwear and adding just a little too much fabric softener to the load.
“Okay –laundry is done. What’s next?”
A glance at the clock and I give in to him. We go back upstairs for half an hour of play time. Afterwards, we’re only half-dressed, our bodies still warm and pressing lightly together with the sheets pulled around us. His breath is warm on my neck and I feel like I could stay in this bed forever. We hear the buzzer on the washer go off, even all of the way upstairs and I sigh. Back to business.
“Stay.” He pulls me back before scooting out of bed, pulling his boxers over his hips. I watch him move around the bed, listening for the sound of his footsteps once he’s out of sight. He’s gone for about fifteen minutes, and I get out of bed once to pull my clothes back on and turn up the heat a couple of notches before crawling back into bed.
“Clothes are in the dryer,” He kisses me as he crawls back into bed. “Hey –why’d you get dressed?”
I laugh at him again, “I still have work to do. Don’t worry, we can la here for a few more minutes.”
He sighs, sounding annoyed, “Fine.”
I curl up with my head against his chest and close my eyes.
Then without warning, I shift to sleep.
The next morning sends curses through the apartment. He tries to quiet me, but I still can’t help but be mad at myself. While I had actually gotten some decent sleep for once, my paper had continued to go unwritten and now it was Sunday Morning, with the prospect of work still looming.
“I told you I’d help you with it,” He reminds me.
I feel warm all of a sudden and I move to the thermostat to turn the heat down a few notches.
“You know that isn’t the problem.”
“Then what is?”
“I’m becoming to attached to you.” I turn to look at him and I recognize the expression of confused hurt on his face.
“What are you talking about?”
I sigh. It had gone on too long, this romance between the two of us.
“Did he ever tell you why we broke up?” We both knew who “he” was. My ex. His best friend and former roommate. We had met through him and gone out a few times behind his back when he still lived here before we decided to make a go of it.
“Not really, just that you grew apart. We’ve only been dating for a couple of months, babe. You can’t tell me we’re already growing apart!”
“That’s…that’s not what happened.” I sigh again. “I don’t like getting dependant on someone. I don’t like feeling this…this way.”
“What way? I don’t understand a thing you’re saying!”
“I don’t like feeling like I need you.”
“You don’t like the feeling of being in love, is that what you’re trying to say?”
I shrug, “Maybe that’s what it is. I don’t know…I’ve just never felt comfortable getting so close to someone. It’s like, it closes options to me.”
“What kind of options?”
I purse my lips for a moment, “You know when you start going out with someone, and it’s fun and care free, and then you get closer and closer to the person, so you start spending nights together, and then weekends, and you end up moving in together. Then suddenly you start talking about getting married, and having kids, and it’s like you’re completely tied to this person with no other life prospect ahead of you except this one person and this one life and there is no getting out of it unless you totally uproot the entire process.”
“Babe…” He shakes his head. “You can’t be afraid of life. That’s what happens –people fall in love, get married, have kids, grow old together.”
“But maybe I don’t want to do that!” I counter. “I want to have that option to leave you!”
“Why do you want to leave me?” He looks hurt again –the same look of hurt that I had seen on other boyfriends faces when I told them I couldn’t continue to see them. The same look of hurt that came when I told them that we were too close.
“I don’t want to! I want to have the option to!”
“Babe…you always have the option to leave me. I don’t want you to leave me, but…you can walk away from me any time you want. We can get closer, we can get married, we can have a family, and you can walk away if that’s what you need to do. But you can come back when you’re ready.”
“What if we do that –what if we stay together, and I walk. What happens to you then? What happens to our kids?”
“Babe, we don’t even have any kids.”
“Hypothetically, asshole,” I sneer.
“Then I’d take care of them until you came back.”
“And if I never came back? If I just left you with a couple of babies to raise on your own.”
“I’d have faith in you, and that would keep me going.” He pulled me into his arms. “This conversation is too serious –we’re only twenty, babe. We’ve got plenty of time before we’ve got to talk about a future together.”
His smell was intoxicating as he pressed his face against my neck, his lips brushing my throat. His fingers are cool as they move underneath the hem of my t-shirt. His arms are tight around my waist and he picks me up effortlessly a few inches off of the ground.
“Tell me you’re not leaving me.” He requests.
“I have to leave –I have to work in half an hour.”
“You know what I mean, smart ass.”
I smile, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek, “No, I’m not leaving you. Not yet.”
“Promise me something.” He says, dropping me back to the floor.
“Yes?”
“When you do leave me…give me fair warning.”
I nod, “Can do, Love.”
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
No Pain, No Gain (CW NonFiction)
No Pain, No Gain
The parlor’s employees and patrons were intimidating the first time I stepped through the doors. I’d always thought I was the kind of person not to take someone at face value, but seeing these heavily pierced and tattooed persons actually scared me. I was rather nervous, clutching my purse to my side – in which tucked inside was the picture of my number one comic book hero in a pose I wanted slightly altered to fit on the back of my leg. It was the perfect spot to fit her entire being and the power that I always thought seemed to illuminate from her.
“Can I help you with something?” It was obvious to Jack and the other artists at the front desk of the shop that my sisters and I stuck out like sore thumbs in this house of body-art and rebellion.
“Uh, yeah. I wanted to know about getting this on the back of my leg. How much it would cost, that kind of a thing,” I fumbled around in my purse with extremely shaky hands for the carefully folded cover-printout of the 192nd issue of X-Men (2nd Series), published in December of 2006. The cover featured Rogue, my favorite X-Men, in a rendition of her original, 1980’s era-green-caped costume done by Chris Bachalo. “I went on to describe how I wanted to change it –in particular taking the syringe out of her hand that she was (I assumed) about to use on Sabretooth, whose head she was standing on.
“And what about these people in the back, did you still want them there, or just her?”
“No, no…just her, and the chain, and the fire coming around her,” I motioned on the picture to what I was talking about.
Jack launched into a spiel about some French painter, and talked about a lot of artsy things about movement and shape that I didn’t understand –I’m not a painter, I wanted to say, I’m a writer! I have no idea what you’re saying! But I nodded along as though I understood completely what he was talking about. Everyone in the shop was ecstatic about it. All of them were comic book fans and a few of them even seeming a little jealous of Jack, who was in line to be my artist, but glad that I walked into their shop to see about doing such a great tattoo.
I took a quick look at Jack’s book, which he walked me through personally, trying hard to point out good pieces that he had done, a lot of which were cartoon-based in nature. I knew that Jack would be the one to do this tattoo for me after looking at other pieces he had done, but my sisters and I left the shop, promising to come back if I didn’t find what I was looking for elsewhere.
We went to another shop across town called Mid-West Tattoos, the only other one we could actually find in the city. Many of the ones on my list of parlors in the area had closed or disappeared to a new unknown location, making finding them hard. The people at the second shop were nice, I was sure, but looking through their albums, my sisters and I decided that their work was lacking something. They didn’t seem as excited about doing it as Jack and the team at Artisan’s had.
It also made me uncomfortable that the artist I initially talked to here, offered to let me come in back and watch him tattoo another patron before even asking if it was OK with the patron first. It also bothered me that, unlike Jack, this artist didn’t offer me any ideas to make it better. He simply took a glance at the photo, said, “Sure, we can do that for about $350-$400” and was ready to do it. He also didn’t seem pleased that I mentioned I had gone to Artisan’s first and Jack was offering to do it for me at a discounted price of $260 –drastically below any of the other estimated costs I had heard.
The only thing that made the trip to Mid-West worthwhile was what one of the more burly artists had to say to me upon taking a look at what I wanted; “Well, that’s not a butterfly.” His obvious distaste for the feminine butterfly that most girls who came in were looking for was apparent in his voice and the way that he leaned over the printout of Rogue. “That’s going to look really cool.” He was impressed that it was going to be my first tattoo, being that it was quite large for a first-timer, covering almost the whole back of my leg. I had decided a long time ago that if I was going to get a tattoo, it was going to be big the first time. Why wimp-out and get something little and dainty? If I couldn’t handle getting something of this size, then I probably didn’t need it at all.
My sisters and I went back to Artisans and set up an appointment with Jack about an hour and a half-later. I put down my $25 dollar deposit and walked out with a date for about a month later, just before Christmas.
The month passed by slowly. Some days I even forgot about it, but then I would take a glance at the mirror where I had posted the date in erasable marker –so to be sure not to forget it, and immense excitement would fill me again. Finally, Finals Week of my first semester of college came and went. I was back in Artisan’s tattoo parlor, my sweat pant leg rolled up past the back of my knee, and a blue outline of my concept on the back of my leg. My sisters were sitting in chairs off to the side, trying to stay out of the way, as Jack pulled on gloves, tested his machine, and poured inks into tiny caps.
I rested my head on my arms, staring around the room, trying not to think about what it would feel like when the needle would start pulsating against my skin. Rogue looked gorgeous, even as an outline. Over the last month, I had debated a few times on whether I should actually go through with this. I worried about my future self; how I would feel about having this entity on the back of my leg for the rest of my life. She was hide-able, I decided. Besides, the reason I wanted her wasn’t because she was a comic book character. It was because she was gorgeous, strong, talented, and my hero. She had always been my favorite comic book character –the one who can’t touch people for risk of hurting them, the one who struggles with herself every day because she wants things that she can’t have. I felt a connection to her, not because of her power, but because of her strong sense of family, her desires, the risks she was willing to take to help people. I wanted to be like her and I wanted homage to her greatness.
“I’ll just do a couple of lines to start out with to let you get a feel for what it’s going to be like, and then we’ll really get started.” Jack took a moment to let me calm down before leaning over my leg, starting somewhere near the bottom.
The actual laying on the chair and repeatedly being stabbed was actually rather boring. People often ask me what it feels like, and “didn’t that hurt?” Well, of course it hurt, you idiot. It is a tattoo. But honestly, it wasn’t that bad. After an hour or so in the chair, it felt a lot like a cat scratch –long, and searing. Really the most entertaining part of it, besides listening to my sisters and my random spouting of obscenities, was the parlor’s employees (and even one or two patrons) entering the backroom to watch Jack work, uttering words like, “Fuckin’ sweet, man”, and “That looks so cool,” over and over again.
At the end of the first sitting, nearly four hours later, the outline and black shading were finished. I walked out, my leg covered in a layer of petroleum jelly, wrapped in saran wrap and medical tape. A list of care-instructions was folded neatly in my purse along with fifteen dollars for supplies, and an appointment to put in the color and final additions in two weeks.
The aftercare was actually the worst part. My leg was pretty sore for the first couple of days after getting it done, but I hobbled my way around the house, suddenly glad for the tiny cement shower in the mud-room that had been the bane of my childhood. It was the perfect size with an extendable showerhead, to wash an otherwise awkward area without getting completely drenched in the process, three times a day. Once a tattoo is in the healing process, it actually begins to peel, which makes you itch like crazy, but of course actually scratching it would ruin the art, so I had to suffer in silence. It also didn’t help that I was apparently using to much of the healing ointment, and broke out in hives from it, which just added to the annoyance.
Two weeks later, not quite fully healed, I was back in the chair for another long sitting. Time dwindled slowly as my sisters still sat nearby. They made me sound like a pervert to Jack. He actually let me peruse a very interesting (though rather creepy) comic book involving demonic sodomy once he had learned of my interests. Finally, nearly an hour after the shop had closed I was finally finished and looking at the finished product. Needless to say, even while he had been tattooing it, I was feeling apprehensive, especially since I hadn’t been able to watch it be done. I admitted that I felt, “kind of like a poser”, and was assured that it didn’t matter, because it was still a really ‘sweet’ tattoo.
Looking at her then, my face flushed. It was exactly what I had wanted but with Jack’s own creative touch as well. I had originally planned to get a small, black, encircled X somewhere else, but we had decided to incorporate it into this one. The vision in my head had been of a solid black X so when Jack brought up the idea to doing it in purple, my reaction was mixed.
“What kind of purple are we talking about here? Like…lavender or darker?”
“I’m thinking more of a metallic,” He replied, mixing up his inks before we started. “It’s going to look really good with the blues and the greens to add in some different colors because there is so much of the blue going on.”
I loved it. I still love it. People always ask , “What are you going to think of it when you’re 80?”, and I shrug at them. It’s still going to be beautiful, so what does it matter?
Getting my tattoo made me realize a lot of things. First, I realized how cool my family actually is, my Mom in particular. She was always one of those “cool moms” but the fact that she might even like my tattoos more then I do, is highly amusing. She actually encourages me to show them off, and is just as excited about my other ideas for body-art as I am.
Secondly, I learned that what other people think doesn’t matter. Some people might say that it was stupid to get a comic book heroine on the back of my leg –especially when I only read the older collections, but really…it’s none of their business. I don’t have to explain myself to them, and I don’t expect them to tell me why they did some of the stupid things that they probably did when they were my age. As long as I’m happy with it, that’s all that matters.
Lastly, like the signs in the tattoo parlors across the nation say: No Pain, No Gain. Like everything in life, you’re going to have to give a little something up –be it in the form of cash, valuables, time, or even a little self-inflicted pain, in order to get something that you really want. In the end, you’re left with something totally gorgeous that you’re going to have to remind you of what an awesome time you had when you were young. I might not live to be 80, or even 25, but either way, I am going to be able to say that I got a kick-ass tattoo, of a very pretty southern belle, and that it was totally worth it.
The parlor’s employees and patrons were intimidating the first time I stepped through the doors. I’d always thought I was the kind of person not to take someone at face value, but seeing these heavily pierced and tattooed persons actually scared me. I was rather nervous, clutching my purse to my side – in which tucked inside was the picture of my number one comic book hero in a pose I wanted slightly altered to fit on the back of my leg. It was the perfect spot to fit her entire being and the power that I always thought seemed to illuminate from her.
“Can I help you with something?” It was obvious to Jack and the other artists at the front desk of the shop that my sisters and I stuck out like sore thumbs in this house of body-art and rebellion.
“Uh, yeah. I wanted to know about getting this on the back of my leg. How much it would cost, that kind of a thing,” I fumbled around in my purse with extremely shaky hands for the carefully folded cover-printout of the 192nd issue of X-Men (2nd Series), published in December of 2006. The cover featured Rogue, my favorite X-Men, in a rendition of her original, 1980’s era-green-caped costume done by Chris Bachalo. “I went on to describe how I wanted to change it –in particular taking the syringe out of her hand that she was (I assumed) about to use on Sabretooth, whose head she was standing on.
“And what about these people in the back, did you still want them there, or just her?”
“No, no…just her, and the chain, and the fire coming around her,” I motioned on the picture to what I was talking about.
Jack launched into a spiel about some French painter, and talked about a lot of artsy things about movement and shape that I didn’t understand –I’m not a painter, I wanted to say, I’m a writer! I have no idea what you’re saying! But I nodded along as though I understood completely what he was talking about. Everyone in the shop was ecstatic about it. All of them were comic book fans and a few of them even seeming a little jealous of Jack, who was in line to be my artist, but glad that I walked into their shop to see about doing such a great tattoo.
I took a quick look at Jack’s book, which he walked me through personally, trying hard to point out good pieces that he had done, a lot of which were cartoon-based in nature. I knew that Jack would be the one to do this tattoo for me after looking at other pieces he had done, but my sisters and I left the shop, promising to come back if I didn’t find what I was looking for elsewhere.
We went to another shop across town called Mid-West Tattoos, the only other one we could actually find in the city. Many of the ones on my list of parlors in the area had closed or disappeared to a new unknown location, making finding them hard. The people at the second shop were nice, I was sure, but looking through their albums, my sisters and I decided that their work was lacking something. They didn’t seem as excited about doing it as Jack and the team at Artisan’s had.
It also made me uncomfortable that the artist I initially talked to here, offered to let me come in back and watch him tattoo another patron before even asking if it was OK with the patron first. It also bothered me that, unlike Jack, this artist didn’t offer me any ideas to make it better. He simply took a glance at the photo, said, “Sure, we can do that for about $350-$400” and was ready to do it. He also didn’t seem pleased that I mentioned I had gone to Artisan’s first and Jack was offering to do it for me at a discounted price of $260 –drastically below any of the other estimated costs I had heard.
The only thing that made the trip to Mid-West worthwhile was what one of the more burly artists had to say to me upon taking a look at what I wanted; “Well, that’s not a butterfly.” His obvious distaste for the feminine butterfly that most girls who came in were looking for was apparent in his voice and the way that he leaned over the printout of Rogue. “That’s going to look really cool.” He was impressed that it was going to be my first tattoo, being that it was quite large for a first-timer, covering almost the whole back of my leg. I had decided a long time ago that if I was going to get a tattoo, it was going to be big the first time. Why wimp-out and get something little and dainty? If I couldn’t handle getting something of this size, then I probably didn’t need it at all.
My sisters and I went back to Artisans and set up an appointment with Jack about an hour and a half-later. I put down my $25 dollar deposit and walked out with a date for about a month later, just before Christmas.
The month passed by slowly. Some days I even forgot about it, but then I would take a glance at the mirror where I had posted the date in erasable marker –so to be sure not to forget it, and immense excitement would fill me again. Finally, Finals Week of my first semester of college came and went. I was back in Artisan’s tattoo parlor, my sweat pant leg rolled up past the back of my knee, and a blue outline of my concept on the back of my leg. My sisters were sitting in chairs off to the side, trying to stay out of the way, as Jack pulled on gloves, tested his machine, and poured inks into tiny caps.
I rested my head on my arms, staring around the room, trying not to think about what it would feel like when the needle would start pulsating against my skin. Rogue looked gorgeous, even as an outline. Over the last month, I had debated a few times on whether I should actually go through with this. I worried about my future self; how I would feel about having this entity on the back of my leg for the rest of my life. She was hide-able, I decided. Besides, the reason I wanted her wasn’t because she was a comic book character. It was because she was gorgeous, strong, talented, and my hero. She had always been my favorite comic book character –the one who can’t touch people for risk of hurting them, the one who struggles with herself every day because she wants things that she can’t have. I felt a connection to her, not because of her power, but because of her strong sense of family, her desires, the risks she was willing to take to help people. I wanted to be like her and I wanted homage to her greatness.
“I’ll just do a couple of lines to start out with to let you get a feel for what it’s going to be like, and then we’ll really get started.” Jack took a moment to let me calm down before leaning over my leg, starting somewhere near the bottom.
The actual laying on the chair and repeatedly being stabbed was actually rather boring. People often ask me what it feels like, and “didn’t that hurt?” Well, of course it hurt, you idiot. It is a tattoo. But honestly, it wasn’t that bad. After an hour or so in the chair, it felt a lot like a cat scratch –long, and searing. Really the most entertaining part of it, besides listening to my sisters and my random spouting of obscenities, was the parlor’s employees (and even one or two patrons) entering the backroom to watch Jack work, uttering words like, “Fuckin’ sweet, man”, and “That looks so cool,” over and over again.
At the end of the first sitting, nearly four hours later, the outline and black shading were finished. I walked out, my leg covered in a layer of petroleum jelly, wrapped in saran wrap and medical tape. A list of care-instructions was folded neatly in my purse along with fifteen dollars for supplies, and an appointment to put in the color and final additions in two weeks.
The aftercare was actually the worst part. My leg was pretty sore for the first couple of days after getting it done, but I hobbled my way around the house, suddenly glad for the tiny cement shower in the mud-room that had been the bane of my childhood. It was the perfect size with an extendable showerhead, to wash an otherwise awkward area without getting completely drenched in the process, three times a day. Once a tattoo is in the healing process, it actually begins to peel, which makes you itch like crazy, but of course actually scratching it would ruin the art, so I had to suffer in silence. It also didn’t help that I was apparently using to much of the healing ointment, and broke out in hives from it, which just added to the annoyance.
Two weeks later, not quite fully healed, I was back in the chair for another long sitting. Time dwindled slowly as my sisters still sat nearby. They made me sound like a pervert to Jack. He actually let me peruse a very interesting (though rather creepy) comic book involving demonic sodomy once he had learned of my interests. Finally, nearly an hour after the shop had closed I was finally finished and looking at the finished product. Needless to say, even while he had been tattooing it, I was feeling apprehensive, especially since I hadn’t been able to watch it be done. I admitted that I felt, “kind of like a poser”, and was assured that it didn’t matter, because it was still a really ‘sweet’ tattoo.
Looking at her then, my face flushed. It was exactly what I had wanted but with Jack’s own creative touch as well. I had originally planned to get a small, black, encircled X somewhere else, but we had decided to incorporate it into this one. The vision in my head had been of a solid black X so when Jack brought up the idea to doing it in purple, my reaction was mixed.
“What kind of purple are we talking about here? Like…lavender or darker?”
“I’m thinking more of a metallic,” He replied, mixing up his inks before we started. “It’s going to look really good with the blues and the greens to add in some different colors because there is so much of the blue going on.”
I loved it. I still love it. People always ask , “What are you going to think of it when you’re 80?”, and I shrug at them. It’s still going to be beautiful, so what does it matter?
Getting my tattoo made me realize a lot of things. First, I realized how cool my family actually is, my Mom in particular. She was always one of those “cool moms” but the fact that she might even like my tattoos more then I do, is highly amusing. She actually encourages me to show them off, and is just as excited about my other ideas for body-art as I am.
Secondly, I learned that what other people think doesn’t matter. Some people might say that it was stupid to get a comic book heroine on the back of my leg –especially when I only read the older collections, but really…it’s none of their business. I don’t have to explain myself to them, and I don’t expect them to tell me why they did some of the stupid things that they probably did when they were my age. As long as I’m happy with it, that’s all that matters.
Lastly, like the signs in the tattoo parlors across the nation say: No Pain, No Gain. Like everything in life, you’re going to have to give a little something up –be it in the form of cash, valuables, time, or even a little self-inflicted pain, in order to get something that you really want. In the end, you’re left with something totally gorgeous that you’re going to have to remind you of what an awesome time you had when you were young. I might not live to be 80, or even 25, but either way, I am going to be able to say that I got a kick-ass tattoo, of a very pretty southern belle, and that it was totally worth it.
Making His Mark
Making His Mark
A Ten Minute Play
by
SAMANTHA JOHNSON
SETTING: A New York City apartment, simple décor with a desk, window, and filing cabinets
TIME: Present time
CHARACTERS
RODNEY: 27 years old, tends to be bitter and cynical.
SUZANNA: 31, Rodney’s older sister. Light hearted, loves her brother finds it hard to deal with his cynicism.
MR. HENRI DAVIS: 45, book editor. Always in a bit of an excited rush to get things done.
(A young man, RODNEY, sits in a chair at a desk in front of laptop computer and printer. There are two chairs are set to the left of the desk. There is a large picturesque window overlooking the city He looks pale, obviously ill, bundled in layers and there is a cap covering a bald head. Lights rise as Voice Over Begins.)
RODNEY
(Actor note: reactions to voice should be obvious.)
All I wanted my entire life was to make a mark on the world. However, seeing as how the doctors are saying that my time left in the world is indeterminate –as little as two months, as many as two years, I doubt that my little dream will come true.
I started out as a songwriter, and then that stupid play came out –RENT, and there was that song GLORY that pretty much put my entire life into a nice little two-minute number. Sans the idiot girlfriend who slices her wrists.
I listen to the song sometimes, and wonder if I’ll ever achieve “Glory”. But I’m not a songwriter anymore. I don’t have anything to write songs about. I’ve moved on to bigger things. Mostly fiction, although most of that is pretty fucking depressing. It’s hard to write something that people actually want to read when you’re a twenty-seven year old AIDS victim that only wants to live, although the world so obviously wants you to die.
I’m basically alone now, barely making rent on my $1000-dollar-a-month apartment, medical bills up to my ass. My sister comes to visit me once in awhile, but my attitude bothers her. Forgive me Sis, for being a cynical bastard. It’s not my fault that I did everything wrong that you could possible imagine. It was pretty inevitable that something would come back to haunt me. That something might as well kill me too.
Anyway, I’ve been working on something lately –my last painful dregs at my muse to try and achieve my hopeless dream. It’s shit. I know that it is. But apparently someone liked it. I made the mistake of showing the first couple of chapters to Sis when she showed up last week baring home-baked goodies she made with her kids that tasted liked dust in my mouth. She took them with her and showed them to some publishing friend of hers. I should be angry, but I’m not. Apparently, he liked them and is asking to see more of the story. I believe the phrase Sis used when she told me was, “totally fucking enthralled with it” to describe the way he felt. I guess he likes my use of contractions or some crap like that. What the fuck do I know?
(A loud knock announces the entrance of SUSANNA, STAGE RIGHT.)
SUSANNA
Oh my god, Rodney! What are you doing?!
(She begins to straighten the cluttered desk as if looking for something.)
Henri Davis will be here like ten minutes! You aren’t even dressed yet! I knew I shouldn’t have left it to you to get ready!
RODNEY
Excuse me, Sis, but I’m twenty-seven years old. I think I can dress myself. –If you’re looking for the chapters, they’re in the filing cabinet.
(RODNEY stands off to the side of the desk and begins to pull off the layers. He tosses them behind the desk as he goes. SUZANNA moves towards the filing cabinet and going through the drawers. By the time they have finished speaking, he has taken off clothes to reveal a pair of jeans and button-down shirt covering a white t-shirt. The cap stays on his head.)
SUZANNA
I thought you were excited about this, Rodney. You want to get this published, don’t you? Or are you giving up on it already? Don’t tell me that you’ve already given up! You aren’t dying yet, you know!
RODNEY
Christ, Sis. Would you shut up for a few minutes? Is this hat OK, or should I choose a different one?
SUZANNA
(Gives him a glance as she pulls out the folder presumably with his book chapters in it.)
It’s fine. –So, your book…have you been working on it?
RODNEY
Yeah, I guess.
(Doorbell rings.)
You want to get the door for me?
(Lights dim, HENRI appears from STAGE RIGHT. He sits in one of the chairs near the desk, SUZANNA sits in the other, and RODNEY sits behind the desk again. Lights rise.)
HENRI
(Slightly out of breath.)
Sorry, am I late? been waiting for this day for weeks –ever since Suzie showed me the manuscript –is there more? I feel like I’m starved for it or something. Feeling like that, you’d think I’d have the decency to be punctual, right? The story is amazing, Rodney, and I don’t say that to just anyone.
RODNEY (Looking disinterested, biting his nails.)
Well, it was really kind of a fluke –I don’t have that much background in British was or anything. My major in college was American History actually.
SUZANNA
Oh, don’t be so modest, Rodney. –He took all the history courses in high school and college. He’s always been very intelligent.
(RODNEY gives a snort, which goes ignored.)
But you like the story, right? You want to publish it? That’s why you wanted to come see us today, right?
HENRI
Of course –I wouldn’t dream of wasting your time if it wasn’t to tell you good news. Tell me, Rodney, have you published anything in the past?
SUZANNA
Oh, of course he has! He was extensively—
HENRI
(in a disapproving tone)
Suzie, I asked Rodney.
(Suzanna gives a careful laugh, and nods to Rodney.)
SUZANNA
Sorry –go ahead, Rodney.
RODNEY
(Heaving a sigh.)
I guess –I was in my college paper a few times, a couple of poetry collections. Sold a song or two to some record companies. Nothing huge though. Why do you ask?
HENRI
Just a question –to see how familiar you are with the process. Is the book finished, or is it still a work in progress?
RODNEY
I’m not sure if I’ll finish it.
HENRI
(Worried.)
What do you mean?
RODNEY
I mean, I don’t know if I’ll finish it. You know I’m dying right?
SUZANNA
Rodney! –I’m sorry Henri. He’s fine. He’s just melodramatic sometimes –a bit of a hypochondriac. Aren’t you Rodney?
RODNEY
AIDS isn’t hypochondria, Sis.
(SUZANNA sighs, shaking her head, covering her face with her hands.)
What, you look surprised, Mr. Davis. Didn’t my sister tell you?
HENRI
Ah, no…Suzi didn’t inform me of your…condition.
(Rodney barks an uncontrollable laugh, which turns into a heaving cough. SUZANNA gets up, disappears, and returns with a glass of water, which Rodney drinks.)
Did I say something amusing?
RODNEY
I love it when people call it a “condition”. It’s fuckin’ hilarious…
You know what, Mr. Davis. I like you. I’ll finish this piece of shit, just for you.
(He takes the folder that Suzanna previously pulled from the cabinet and tosses it into Henri’s lap.)
Is that enough for now?
HENRI
(Opens the folder, flipping through the pages.)
This is plenty to get started… I’ll contact you about the legal work sometime tomorrow.
You just get back to writing, okay?
RODNEY
Sounds like a deal.
(Lights dim again, HENRI and SUZNNA exit, STAGE RIGHT. RODNEY pulls a few layers back on as the lights rise, and he sits back down at his computer. SUZANNA enters again.)
I wish you would stop hovering in the doorway, Sis. If you’re going to come in, just come in already.
SUZANNA
(Entering.)
I’m sorry. I’m just nervous. You said you were almost done, and your deadline was last week. Henri is getting antsy.
RODNEY
Hey, it’s not like its my fault that I had to spend a week in the hospital, okay? You think I like being in that place? You think I like getting lectured about safe sex practices and past drug use? Well, I don’t.
SUZANNA
That was a little old lady, and she probably didn’t even know better.
RODNEY
It was still obnoxious.
(The two fall silent, and the clacking of keys grows louder and louder until it stops. RODNEY pushes back from his desk.)
Done. Are you happy now?
(The printer begins to hum, kicking out pages.)
SUZANNA
Quite.
(She picks up the pages as the printer stops humming, and she scans through them.)
So…are you ready for this to be over with?
RODNEY
Yes. To much stress –it makes me more susceptible to getting sick.
SUZANNA
I’m going to take these to Henri’s office –do you want to come with? Get out of the
house for a bit? Or are you going to play the hermit and stay here.
RODNEY
I’ll stay here. Tell Henri I said hi.
(He watches her leave STAGE RIGHT, before pulling his chair back to his computer.)
(Voice Over.)
Well, I finished it. The novel titled “In His King’s Army” is now probably on it’s
way to Henri’s office where he’ll send it to his editors, and then it will get sent back to me for a rewrite, and then it will go through the cycle again until it goes to the printers.
I should be happy that it’s finished, I know that. I should be happy that it’s being published, that it’s already being talked up in the publishing world, that even though it’s still four months until the release date, people are still calling to set up interviews with me. But, I’m not. I hate this story with a passion. I finished it for Henri because he genuinely liked it. I finished it for Suzanna and her kids. I didn’t do this for me.
So, with that in mind, does this count as making my mark? When I planned this, I never said that I had to enjoy what I put out there. But if I’m going to die with only one thing ever making it this big, shouldn’t I have some kind of attachment to it?
(RODNEY gets up from the desk, but the voice over continues as he exits to STAGE LEFT.)
I put a lot of time and effort into it, but that doesn’t seem to matter. I feel like I wasted my time on something I didn’t care about, rather then having spent my last few months doing something I could be proud of –to hell with whether or not people actually enjoyed it.
(The set is quiet for a few moments, and the image in the window shifts to a wintery scene over looking the city. SUZANNA and HENRI enter, STAGE RIGHT.)
SUZANNA
Well, I think that’s the last of it… just the desk and cabinets to pack up now.
HENRI
You think he left anything else that was publishable on the computer?
(He picks up the laptop, turning it over in his hands.)
I wish he could have known how starved for his literature he left the world. People are chomping at the bit for another book…it hurts to tell them that he’s dead.
SUZANNA
Well…that was Rodney. Abuse them for as long as possible, and then leave them wanting more.
HENRI
Yeah, he seemed to have that knack. I know he felt me feeling a little empty inside after I finished reading the book, knowing that there wouldn’t be any more of it… He left it so open ended. A lot screamed for a sequel. Some even suggested that you write, it Suzi.
SUZANNA
Ha! No way. I wouldn’t tarnish my brother’s work like that. I can’t write to save my life.
HENRI
Some people argue that as long as it’s done in the family, it’s not a real tarnishing.
SUZANNA
It’s not going to happen Henri, so just forget about it. Rodney was your one-hit-wonder. His book will live for generations, a modern classic. Leave it at that…please?
HENRI
You’re right of course, but it still makes me angry.
(He puts the laptop down again.)
He knew he was dying, Suzi. He hid the fact that he was so far gone –he could have at least warned us that this was really the end, that he wasn’t really being histrionic. He could have told us…
SUZANNA
Henri, he tried to tell me. I didn’t want to admit to myself that my baby brother was dying…but it’s OK. Hopefully he’s happy where ever he’s at.
HENRI
Did Rodney believe in a heaven and hell?
SUZANNA
(Giving a laugh.)
Ha! Hardly.
(There is a moment of silence.)
Pretend he did though…where do you think he ended up?
(HENRI and SUZANNA look at one another for a moment, before SUZANNA sighs, giving a shrug and resuming with the packing up of Rodney’s goods)
Well, wherever he is I hope he’s happy that he got his finally got his fame.
HENRI
(Shaking his head.)
I don’t think Rodney was after fame, Suzanna. He just wanted to make a difference in the world…even if that difference was as small as a couple hundred pages and a sixteen-dollar price tag.
SUZANNA
You’re right of course.
(She picks up the laptop, placing it on the top of her box.)
Well…that’s the last of it. You want to grab the printer?
HENRI
(Hefting up the printer.)
Not a problem…ah, you want to say goodbye?
Suzanna
(breezily.)
Don’t be stupid, Henri. It’s just an apartment. It’s not my brother.
(She pauses as HENRI exits, STAGE RIGHT. She turns back to the room, hiking the box up against her hip. She looks over her shoulder as if it make sure that Henri is really gone.)
…Rodney? This is silly, I know…like you’re actually still here or something, but…if you
are, I just want to let you know that everything is OK. And that I’m sorry, for not taking
you seriously sometimes. And that I’ll miss you.
(Lights out)
FINIS
A Ten Minute Play
by
SAMANTHA JOHNSON
SETTING: A New York City apartment, simple décor with a desk, window, and filing cabinets
TIME: Present time
CHARACTERS
RODNEY: 27 years old, tends to be bitter and cynical.
SUZANNA: 31, Rodney’s older sister. Light hearted, loves her brother finds it hard to deal with his cynicism.
MR. HENRI DAVIS: 45, book editor. Always in a bit of an excited rush to get things done.
(A young man, RODNEY, sits in a chair at a desk in front of laptop computer and printer. There are two chairs are set to the left of the desk. There is a large picturesque window overlooking the city He looks pale, obviously ill, bundled in layers and there is a cap covering a bald head. Lights rise as Voice Over Begins.)
RODNEY
(Actor note: reactions to voice should be obvious.)
All I wanted my entire life was to make a mark on the world. However, seeing as how the doctors are saying that my time left in the world is indeterminate –as little as two months, as many as two years, I doubt that my little dream will come true.
I started out as a songwriter, and then that stupid play came out –RENT, and there was that song GLORY that pretty much put my entire life into a nice little two-minute number. Sans the idiot girlfriend who slices her wrists.
I listen to the song sometimes, and wonder if I’ll ever achieve “Glory”. But I’m not a songwriter anymore. I don’t have anything to write songs about. I’ve moved on to bigger things. Mostly fiction, although most of that is pretty fucking depressing. It’s hard to write something that people actually want to read when you’re a twenty-seven year old AIDS victim that only wants to live, although the world so obviously wants you to die.
I’m basically alone now, barely making rent on my $1000-dollar-a-month apartment, medical bills up to my ass. My sister comes to visit me once in awhile, but my attitude bothers her. Forgive me Sis, for being a cynical bastard. It’s not my fault that I did everything wrong that you could possible imagine. It was pretty inevitable that something would come back to haunt me. That something might as well kill me too.
Anyway, I’ve been working on something lately –my last painful dregs at my muse to try and achieve my hopeless dream. It’s shit. I know that it is. But apparently someone liked it. I made the mistake of showing the first couple of chapters to Sis when she showed up last week baring home-baked goodies she made with her kids that tasted liked dust in my mouth. She took them with her and showed them to some publishing friend of hers. I should be angry, but I’m not. Apparently, he liked them and is asking to see more of the story. I believe the phrase Sis used when she told me was, “totally fucking enthralled with it” to describe the way he felt. I guess he likes my use of contractions or some crap like that. What the fuck do I know?
(A loud knock announces the entrance of SUSANNA, STAGE RIGHT.)
SUSANNA
Oh my god, Rodney! What are you doing?!
(She begins to straighten the cluttered desk as if looking for something.)
Henri Davis will be here like ten minutes! You aren’t even dressed yet! I knew I shouldn’t have left it to you to get ready!
RODNEY
Excuse me, Sis, but I’m twenty-seven years old. I think I can dress myself. –If you’re looking for the chapters, they’re in the filing cabinet.
(RODNEY stands off to the side of the desk and begins to pull off the layers. He tosses them behind the desk as he goes. SUZANNA moves towards the filing cabinet and going through the drawers. By the time they have finished speaking, he has taken off clothes to reveal a pair of jeans and button-down shirt covering a white t-shirt. The cap stays on his head.)
SUZANNA
I thought you were excited about this, Rodney. You want to get this published, don’t you? Or are you giving up on it already? Don’t tell me that you’ve already given up! You aren’t dying yet, you know!
RODNEY
Christ, Sis. Would you shut up for a few minutes? Is this hat OK, or should I choose a different one?
SUZANNA
(Gives him a glance as she pulls out the folder presumably with his book chapters in it.)
It’s fine. –So, your book…have you been working on it?
RODNEY
Yeah, I guess.
(Doorbell rings.)
You want to get the door for me?
(Lights dim, HENRI appears from STAGE RIGHT. He sits in one of the chairs near the desk, SUZANNA sits in the other, and RODNEY sits behind the desk again. Lights rise.)
HENRI
(Slightly out of breath.)
Sorry, am I late? been waiting for this day for weeks –ever since Suzie showed me the manuscript –is there more? I feel like I’m starved for it or something. Feeling like that, you’d think I’d have the decency to be punctual, right? The story is amazing, Rodney, and I don’t say that to just anyone.
RODNEY (Looking disinterested, biting his nails.)
Well, it was really kind of a fluke –I don’t have that much background in British was or anything. My major in college was American History actually.
SUZANNA
Oh, don’t be so modest, Rodney. –He took all the history courses in high school and college. He’s always been very intelligent.
(RODNEY gives a snort, which goes ignored.)
But you like the story, right? You want to publish it? That’s why you wanted to come see us today, right?
HENRI
Of course –I wouldn’t dream of wasting your time if it wasn’t to tell you good news. Tell me, Rodney, have you published anything in the past?
SUZANNA
Oh, of course he has! He was extensively—
HENRI
(in a disapproving tone)
Suzie, I asked Rodney.
(Suzanna gives a careful laugh, and nods to Rodney.)
SUZANNA
Sorry –go ahead, Rodney.
RODNEY
(Heaving a sigh.)
I guess –I was in my college paper a few times, a couple of poetry collections. Sold a song or two to some record companies. Nothing huge though. Why do you ask?
HENRI
Just a question –to see how familiar you are with the process. Is the book finished, or is it still a work in progress?
RODNEY
I’m not sure if I’ll finish it.
HENRI
(Worried.)
What do you mean?
RODNEY
I mean, I don’t know if I’ll finish it. You know I’m dying right?
SUZANNA
Rodney! –I’m sorry Henri. He’s fine. He’s just melodramatic sometimes –a bit of a hypochondriac. Aren’t you Rodney?
RODNEY
AIDS isn’t hypochondria, Sis.
(SUZANNA sighs, shaking her head, covering her face with her hands.)
What, you look surprised, Mr. Davis. Didn’t my sister tell you?
HENRI
Ah, no…Suzi didn’t inform me of your…condition.
(Rodney barks an uncontrollable laugh, which turns into a heaving cough. SUZANNA gets up, disappears, and returns with a glass of water, which Rodney drinks.)
Did I say something amusing?
RODNEY
I love it when people call it a “condition”. It’s fuckin’ hilarious…
You know what, Mr. Davis. I like you. I’ll finish this piece of shit, just for you.
(He takes the folder that Suzanna previously pulled from the cabinet and tosses it into Henri’s lap.)
Is that enough for now?
HENRI
(Opens the folder, flipping through the pages.)
This is plenty to get started… I’ll contact you about the legal work sometime tomorrow.
You just get back to writing, okay?
RODNEY
Sounds like a deal.
(Lights dim again, HENRI and SUZNNA exit, STAGE RIGHT. RODNEY pulls a few layers back on as the lights rise, and he sits back down at his computer. SUZANNA enters again.)
I wish you would stop hovering in the doorway, Sis. If you’re going to come in, just come in already.
SUZANNA
(Entering.)
I’m sorry. I’m just nervous. You said you were almost done, and your deadline was last week. Henri is getting antsy.
RODNEY
Hey, it’s not like its my fault that I had to spend a week in the hospital, okay? You think I like being in that place? You think I like getting lectured about safe sex practices and past drug use? Well, I don’t.
SUZANNA
That was a little old lady, and she probably didn’t even know better.
RODNEY
It was still obnoxious.
(The two fall silent, and the clacking of keys grows louder and louder until it stops. RODNEY pushes back from his desk.)
Done. Are you happy now?
(The printer begins to hum, kicking out pages.)
SUZANNA
Quite.
(She picks up the pages as the printer stops humming, and she scans through them.)
So…are you ready for this to be over with?
RODNEY
Yes. To much stress –it makes me more susceptible to getting sick.
SUZANNA
I’m going to take these to Henri’s office –do you want to come with? Get out of the
house for a bit? Or are you going to play the hermit and stay here.
RODNEY
I’ll stay here. Tell Henri I said hi.
(He watches her leave STAGE RIGHT, before pulling his chair back to his computer.)
(Voice Over.)
Well, I finished it. The novel titled “In His King’s Army” is now probably on it’s
way to Henri’s office where he’ll send it to his editors, and then it will get sent back to me for a rewrite, and then it will go through the cycle again until it goes to the printers.
I should be happy that it’s finished, I know that. I should be happy that it’s being published, that it’s already being talked up in the publishing world, that even though it’s still four months until the release date, people are still calling to set up interviews with me. But, I’m not. I hate this story with a passion. I finished it for Henri because he genuinely liked it. I finished it for Suzanna and her kids. I didn’t do this for me.
So, with that in mind, does this count as making my mark? When I planned this, I never said that I had to enjoy what I put out there. But if I’m going to die with only one thing ever making it this big, shouldn’t I have some kind of attachment to it?
(RODNEY gets up from the desk, but the voice over continues as he exits to STAGE LEFT.)
I put a lot of time and effort into it, but that doesn’t seem to matter. I feel like I wasted my time on something I didn’t care about, rather then having spent my last few months doing something I could be proud of –to hell with whether or not people actually enjoyed it.
(The set is quiet for a few moments, and the image in the window shifts to a wintery scene over looking the city. SUZANNA and HENRI enter, STAGE RIGHT.)
SUZANNA
Well, I think that’s the last of it… just the desk and cabinets to pack up now.
HENRI
You think he left anything else that was publishable on the computer?
(He picks up the laptop, turning it over in his hands.)
I wish he could have known how starved for his literature he left the world. People are chomping at the bit for another book…it hurts to tell them that he’s dead.
SUZANNA
Well…that was Rodney. Abuse them for as long as possible, and then leave them wanting more.
HENRI
Yeah, he seemed to have that knack. I know he felt me feeling a little empty inside after I finished reading the book, knowing that there wouldn’t be any more of it… He left it so open ended. A lot screamed for a sequel. Some even suggested that you write, it Suzi.
SUZANNA
Ha! No way. I wouldn’t tarnish my brother’s work like that. I can’t write to save my life.
HENRI
Some people argue that as long as it’s done in the family, it’s not a real tarnishing.
SUZANNA
It’s not going to happen Henri, so just forget about it. Rodney was your one-hit-wonder. His book will live for generations, a modern classic. Leave it at that…please?
HENRI
You’re right of course, but it still makes me angry.
(He puts the laptop down again.)
He knew he was dying, Suzi. He hid the fact that he was so far gone –he could have at least warned us that this was really the end, that he wasn’t really being histrionic. He could have told us…
SUZANNA
Henri, he tried to tell me. I didn’t want to admit to myself that my baby brother was dying…but it’s OK. Hopefully he’s happy where ever he’s at.
HENRI
Did Rodney believe in a heaven and hell?
SUZANNA
(Giving a laugh.)
Ha! Hardly.
(There is a moment of silence.)
Pretend he did though…where do you think he ended up?
(HENRI and SUZANNA look at one another for a moment, before SUZANNA sighs, giving a shrug and resuming with the packing up of Rodney’s goods)
Well, wherever he is I hope he’s happy that he got his finally got his fame.
HENRI
(Shaking his head.)
I don’t think Rodney was after fame, Suzanna. He just wanted to make a difference in the world…even if that difference was as small as a couple hundred pages and a sixteen-dollar price tag.
SUZANNA
You’re right of course.
(She picks up the laptop, placing it on the top of her box.)
Well…that’s the last of it. You want to grab the printer?
HENRI
(Hefting up the printer.)
Not a problem…ah, you want to say goodbye?
Suzanna
(breezily.)
Don’t be stupid, Henri. It’s just an apartment. It’s not my brother.
(She pauses as HENRI exits, STAGE RIGHT. She turns back to the room, hiking the box up against her hip. She looks over her shoulder as if it make sure that Henri is really gone.)
…Rodney? This is silly, I know…like you’re actually still here or something, but…if you
are, I just want to let you know that everything is OK. And that I’m sorry, for not taking
you seriously sometimes. And that I’ll miss you.
(Lights out)
FINIS
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Trouble In the Underworld? (The Story of Hades and his Lovers II)
A/N: There needs to be more frot out in the world. It beez the hottest form of doin' it.
Trouble in the Underworld?
The Story of Hades and his Lovers II
Thanatos, the original Greek god of Death, didn’t visit me often. He had a job to do, and I fully understood that. However, I had given him a troupe of reapers to work in his place, so he could spend more time with me…well, not necessarily with me, but so that he wouldn’t have to worry himself with trivial things.
Earth II was booming. It was a regular metropolis now. Marius over saw it well, with his myriad of lovers, and Hestia at his side. I found it deeply ironic that he kept taking mortal lovers, but I never said anything to him. It had been a thousand years since we had finally peacefully said goodbye. He had assured me that he would come back, but so far he hadn’t. I hadn’t quite lost hope on Marius…I just made a realization that I didn’t need him to make me happy anymore. After all, love be damned, I had my own myriad of lovers at my disposal if I wanted them…but I held back for those I really cared about.
Warm arms wrapped around my shoulders from behind as I wrote out correspondence at my desk in my study.
“I felt that you needed me,” the sultry voice in my ear was hot against my skin. “Was I right?”
“You always are,” I smiled, turning the chair. Thanatos hiked one leg over the arm of the chair and grabbed the back to sit awkwardly in my lap. “But what are you really doing here? I thought you were too busy to come for a visit.”
“Oh bah,” He rolled his eyes. “The Reapers have stolen all of my work, who I am kidding? I spend most of my time with my brother and fixing the reaper’s stupid mistakes…but Hypnosis and I are arguing now…so I though I would come see you.” He placed a short kiss on my lips.
“Oh, so I was an after thought? How nice.”
He made a soft whining noise, “Don’t be like that!”
I laughed softly, pulling my fingers through his hair, “Are you here for a while or just for a romp?”
“Hmmm…that depends on how long you’ll have me,” he kissed me. His tongue stroked mine, and after he finally broke away, I leaned back comfortably in the chair.
“You know that if it were up to me, I wouldn’t let you go at all.” My arms wrapped around his waist more tightly, and I picked him up easily. His legs wrapped around me, and I carried him out of the den.
“Where are you taking me?” He looked confused when I leaned against a door down from the den.
“My room,” I took one hand away from him just long enough to turn the knob, and stumble backwards into the dark room. A fire was already crackling behind it’s gate, adding a nice warmth to the usual cool dampness of the castle.
“We don’t usually do it in here…” His arms loosened around my neck as I dropped him in the middle of the bed and crawled on top of him.
“Going to your room was too far,” I mused. “Besides, my bed is bigger.”
“That it is…” He glanced around at the size of the bed. “Why is that?”
“Because I’m the master of the castle, of course…now hush.” My lips captured his again. My hands moved to caress the feathers of his wings before I ran my hands under his shirt to feel his silky skin. “No battle wounds this time, right?”
He smiled, “No. Nothing by expanses of perfect skin.”
“Fabulous,” I groaned, moving away to pull away his clothes. It wasn’t long before both of us were naked. Thanatos was on top of me, inside of me, his skin warm, his breath hot, and both of us panted heavily against each other’s throats. As he thrust greedily, his lips found mine. He grinned through half-open eyes, biting my bottom lip to incite a groan from my throat. His wings stretched out, wrapping us up in a little cocoon where we were pressed chest-to-chest. My arms went around his neck as he groaned, spilling inside of me.
“Fuck,” I sighed, as he groaned, breathily pulling away.
“You’re still hard,” his smile broadened, his fist wrapping around my member. “You’re always hard…that’s why I like having sex with you…” He was quiet for a few moments, continuing to thrust into me before his smile grew slightly wicked, “Do you want to take me?”
“I’m always willing to take you, Thanatos.”
He pulled out of me, and I couldn’t stop the long groan, my head tilting back. His member brushed mine as he rose to impale himself. I watched him tilt his head back, arcing his back.
When he came back down to rest against me, I petted his hair, “You are such a masochist.”
“Yes, but I am your masochist,” He assured me.
“Well, my little masochist, you need to fuck harder before I get frustrated and break you,” I tugged on one of his wings. “I wouldn’t want to crush one of these in a fit of annoyance.”
His grin still held a slyness, and his leaned down to kiss me soundly, “Don’t worry…I was just adjusting.”
My hands slid down his back. My fingertips traced the wing-joints under his shoulders before gripping his hips. He knew exactly how to use his body for my satisfaction, and I very little to do with the pleasure but reaping benefits. Thanatos groaned, kissing me. My fingers dug further into his hips, silently urging him to thrust harder. His hair fell over his shoulder, teasing my skin.
“Are you close?” his mouth warmed my ear, his hair dusting my cheeks. I reached up, brushing it back away from my face, and over his other shoulder.
“Why? Are you already tired? You’ve just started,” I teased, reaching down between our bodies to stroke his soft member. He moaned in dislike, sensitive from his previous task. I turned his lips to mine again, “You may stop if you like.”
He sighed, rolling away from me, and groaning massaging his hips with his knuckles.
“Silly boy,” I chided, putting my hands above his shoulders, careful not to press down onto his wings. “Don’t think that I am done with you yet.”
“…Are you going to fuck me?” He asked.
“Hmm…I was going to torture you for a bit,” I admitted.
“Oh?” He raised a curious eyebrow.
I licked his lips before leaning back on my knees to stroke my fingers down my chest, “I know how to get you hot again.”
“I just came, Hades!”
“So what?”
“So, I’m not like you…always at the ready.” He tugged on my arms, kissing me again. “Fuck me –and then when you’re done, I might be up for another go.”
“Well you’re not any fun at all, Thanatos,” My lips brushed his throat. “Maybe I shouldn’t fuck you at all…it would be to much of a reward for you.”
He groaned, “What are you going to do then, dare I ask?”
I gave him a smirk before rising onto my knees again. My hand went to my member and I began stroking myself. He leaned up on his elbows, his wings ruffling against the sheets, to lick at the head, but I held him away with my free hand.
“Ah-ah,” I shook my head. “Not yet.”
He grumbled, his eyes averting first to my hand upon my appendage before rising to my face. It only took a moment before he over-took me again, his mouth crushing against mine in a savage fit. His hand replaced mine, and my arms wrapped around his neck. His hips thrust nicely against mine as he fondled me, but I was focusing more on the way his lips felt against mine, soft and wanting. His tongue was damp from panting as it delved into my mouth.
He pulled his mouth from mine to look down as I erupted onto my chest, some of it splattering against his arm and shoulder. He pulled his hand away to lick it away from his arm, looking down innocently at me.
“You’re not even close to being satisfied, are you?” He asked, moving to lap his tongue up my stomach.
I laughed, “Nonsense, I am quite pleased.” I lifted him back up, pulling him against me. “Just because I’m hard doesn’t mean I need another go.” I chided.
“So says you,” He retorted. His face turned into my neck, his hair splaying across my face and neck. One wing flattened against the bed, he other rose to curl over us, the feathers tickling our skin.
“I mean it –you’ve satisfied me quite well.”
He made a guttural noise, “Ha! I’ve seen you spill more by simple tongue strokes.” His nose continued to nuzzle deeper down my shoulder.
“Ah, this is about the amount of my visual satisfaction,” I mused. I brushed my fingertips over one of his wings. “Well…that I don’t have an explanation for. Sometimes it comes in pints, sometimes only in mere ounces.”
He made a soft whining noise, reminding me a bit of like a cat, “Hades…”
“What is it, Love?” I asked, stroking his hair instead. I wrapped the tendrils around my fingers, slightly tugging his face to mine.
“I want you to fuck me again,” His lips brushed mine in a faint kiss. “I want you to be completely emptied.”
“Darling, I don’t think such a thing is possible,” I laughed. My fingers untangled from his hair, and moved to stroke along his back. “But we could try if you’d like. Surely right now you’re tired from your work and travel…and the sex that has already been had.”
He hummed softly, curling his leg over my hips, holding me tightly, “Sort of.”
“How long are you staying for? You never told me.”
“You didn’t give me a chance before you whisked me away.”
I laughed, “I guess so.”
“Anyway, I’ll probably only stay a few days. Maybe a week or two; if that’s OK.”
“Of course it is,” my fingers reached his bared backside and I gave it a tight squeeze. He gave a short noise of being pleased, and set to kissing me again.
Of course, just because everything seemed to be going so well, something had to go wrong. Thanatos and I were quite pleased with each other. We were learning each other’s movements, likes, dislikes, and quirks. I loved him like I had never loved anyone else –but at the same time, it wasn’t like we were inseparable. He could tell me any day that he wanted that he was done with me, and I would be okay with that.
Not that I expected Thanatos to come up to me at breakfast and say, “Hades, I don’t think this relationship is healthy –I think I’m going to go back to the way things were before we started sleeping together. Goodbye.” That would be ludicrous. He was content to lounge in bed with me in the morning, pressing kisses down my throat and chest, eat a leisurely breakfast before I made my usual daily rounds, meet for a quick lunch, maybe a little after-lunch sex. Then we would part again until dinner, and then of course after dinner, we usually retired to one of the bedrooms for an evening alone.
So yes, our relationship was mostly sex, but we did our share of talking too. Mostly between romps, but sometimes in the morning, or right before we went to sleep we would have short chats before sleep would overcome us. Nights that we didn’t have sex though, nights that we just lay in each others arms, listening to each other breath, discussing light-hearted things…they were just as good, if not better.
I tried not to think about Marius, but it was hard. Marius had been my inseparable lover. We did everything you could think of together. With Thanatos, it wasn’t like that. We were two totally separate entities with nothing that tied us together. Thanatos had his job as a reaper –bringing souls to the underworld and all that, and I was a supreme deity overseeing my kingdom.
“What are you thinking about?” Thanatos’s hair fell over my shoulder as he leaned over my chair.
“Us,” I admitted.
“Oh? What about us?”
“How unlikely a pair we are.”
“Why do you say that?” He asked, looking at me quizzically. “I’d say we are a perfect pair –we like the same things, both of our jobs are particularly morbid…we both enjoy being in the underworld…”
“You like it here? Really?”
“Really,” He nodded. “I like that it’s always cool, and the noise of the wandering souls is kind of…musical after awhile.”
I smiled, reaching up to touch his face, “You’re so precious.”
His lips met mine, “So what is really wrong?”
“I wonder what you are doing here sometimes.”
“What are you talking about? Do you want me to leave?” He seemed surprised.
“No! No! Of course I want you to stay!” I reached for his wrist, holding him close to my chair. I drew him around, pulling him into my lap. “I mean…why do you bother coming to me when you could have any other person in the world.”
“Because you’ll always be here,” He stroked his finger along my cheek. “Why should I get attached to some mortal who is just going to up and die on me, when I can have you? You are all that I will ever need.”
“Does this mean that you…you’ve remained faithful to me?”
“You didn’t expect me to? I thought I was your lover.”
“You are! I just…” I shrugged. “I didn’t know you had attached a string to us.”
“Have you remained faithful?”
“Of course,” I scoffed. “Who would I be sleeping with other then you?”
He shrugged, picking a bit of fluff from my sleeve, averting his eyes. “I don’t know…I thought that maybe Marius had come back to you, or something.”
I scoffed, “Marius hasn’t returned to me, and I already told him that he would have to share my affection.” I brushed the back of my knuckles over his cheek. “You wouldn’t like that though, would you?”
“Like what?” He acted daft, though I knew he understood me completely.
“You wouldn’t like to share me with Marius.”
He shrugged, “I suppose he has some right to being in your bed. He was your lover for eons. I wouldn’t have much of a case against it…except that I wouldn’t want you to do it.” He looked up at me, seriousness showing in the edges of his eyes, “If he comes back to you…what will happen to me?”
“Marius isn’t going to come back to me, I gave up on him a long time ago.”
“But if he did…he walked in that door right now, and said, “Hades, I want to fuck you so badly it hurts”, what would you do? Would you fuck him?”
I shrugged, “I don’t know…does he love me?”
“Yes.”
“Does he have that spark in the pit of his stomach? That feeling that makes it all worthwhile?”
“Yes.”
I shrugged again, “Then yes, I probably would.”
“And if he didn’t have those things? If he just really needed to release himself?”
“Then I would tell him that his previous lovers are all in my employ and that he could help himself to one or more of them.”
He looked down again, quietly unbuttoning my shirt to graze his fingertips over my skin, “Hades?”
“Yes?”
“Do you feel that spark for me?”
I mused for a moment before answering, “I didn’t at first –we were just doing it because we wanted to…but I do now.”
“Is it as strong for me as it was when you were fucking Marius?”
“Stop comparing yourself to him,” I pulled his hands away from my shirt. “It’s very childish. You are two separate people.”
“I take that as a no, then.”
“You and Marius are totally different people. I love you two separate ways.”
“What do you mean?” He pressed.
I sighed. This conversation had probably been a long time in coming, but I still wasn’t really prepared for it. How was I supposed to explain to a god that I loved him, but at the same time I didn’t? I didn’t want to tell him that he was a fuck of convenience –he was more then that, and yet he wasn’t.
“I mean that…at first, it seemed like I couldn’t live without him, but obviously I can With you, I know that that you’re going to come and go as you please. You aren’t tied to me, tied to the Underworld.”
“I could be.”
“What are you suggesting?”
“The old rules have changed…we could get married.”
My stomach leapt, “Married?”
“Yes –many of the Gods are reconsidering their former partners. You and Persephone have already divorced. Haven’t you ever thought of marrying again?” His eyes were pools of opal and I found myself being sucked into them.
“But we are both men—“
“Exactly,” His forehead pressed to mine. “We could change the world, Hades.”
“What if it didn’t work? What if we tire of one another?”
“We worry about that then. –So, what say you? Will you marry me?”
“I don’t know, Thanatos…”
His eyes changed, and he pulled away from me, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“I didn’t say no,” I reached for his wrist.
“But you didn’t say yes, either.”
“You haven’t given me the proper chance to think it over!” I protested, “if you want an immediate answer then no, just because you’re in such a rush. Goodness, you lead me to think you are with child or something equally awful.”
Thanatos’s face fell further, “You don’t like children?”
“I don’t think that life full of sullen sadness, surrounded by death is a very good environment for a child.” I lifted his face to my eyes, “Thanatos, if you want children then marry a woman.”
“I don’t want a woman,” He pulled me up from the chair, wrapping his arms around my waist. His wings enclosed around us, shutting out the light and his forehead pressed to mine. “I want you, Hades. We could make this work. It would give us a tie. Right now, we’re merely hanging by threads. I want permanence. I want a solid hold to you.”
“Thanatos, you are so funny.”
“I am not trying to be funny!”
“I know, I know…” My fingers brushed across his cheeks. “If you really want to…then of course I’ll marry you.”
Opposition stated mere moments, it seemed, after I had finally agreed. Zeus made his feelings evident the moment the message reached him of our impending nuptuals.
“I don’t care whom you have sex with Hades, but I cannot condone this marriage! It has never been allowed!” He shook his head.
“Well, no one asked you if it was allowed. Is it written in stone somewhere?” I asked.
“Of course not –it was an unspoken rule. No one has ever dared to break it!”
“Well, I intend to, with our without your blessing Brother. I couldn’t give less of a damn about what you think.”
“What about Marius?”
“What about him?”
“Isn’t he going to feel cheated?”
“Why would he? He has a wife.”
“And you are taking a husband! A right that should have been his a long time ago!”
“It wasn’t allowed back then, remember?”
Zeus looked annoyed.
“What bothers you more? That I am getting married, or that I am getting married to a man?” My eyebrows raised, “If you’ll remember, you like the touch of men just as well as I do.”
“Bullshit,” he scoffed. “That is total shit and you know it. I liked sleeping with you and with Marius—”
“Ah-ah! Neither of us were your first,” I reminded him. “You loved a man and you know it.”
Arguing with me proved to be a loosing battle for Zeus, bt many more bombarded us with their displeasure. It seemed that the only people happy or us were the deities of love –Eros and Aphrodite, and the unlikely pair of Hestia and Marius.
“You looked worried,” Thanatos wrapped his arms around me one evening as the dawn of our wedding drew closer.
“I am more confused then worried, I think.” I placed my hands ontop of his. “We have surprising and worrying support.”
“What are you more flabbergasted about? Eros and Aphrodite or Hestia and Marius?”
“I’m not sure, I guess it is just that there are so many against us. Even though many of them already know that love knows no gender.” I tipped my head back to look at him. “Was this controversy what you were looking for when you asked me to marry you?”
“No…not really. But I like that it is showing peoples true colors. Some of these people –like Zeus, are just being ridiculous because they can be.”
“I know,” I nodded.
Thanatos murmured, leaning down to brush his lips against my cheek, “It’s late. Why don’t we go to bed?”
“I thought you already had,” I admitted.
“I did, but it was lonely without you.” Thanatos nuzzled against my neck. “Come to bed? You’ve been up for hours now. You need to rest your eyes from all of the red ink that the hate-mailers have been using.”
I laughed, “I have begun to just burn all of the negative RSVPs, actually. So far, we have a very small guest list.”
“Ah well, that’s alright. I always kind wanted just a small, quaint little wedding. Something just for the two of us.” He kissed me again.
“You look very handsome, Thanatos.” It occurred to me that I had been a long time since I complimented his good looks. His face flushed a light shade of pink.
“What do you mean?”
“You look really good tonight,” I repeated, standing up from my chair, and wrapping my arms around his bare waist. “Your wings are a silky-shade of black, your hair sleek and brushed, your skin is tan…you’re gorgeous.”
“Thank you?”
“Why do I detect a hint of disbelieve in your voice? You don’t think you can be handsome, Thanatos?”
“It’s not that,” He shook his head. “I just…you don’t tell me that very often.” He looked down at our feet, his arms pressed against my chest, his hands resting on my shoulders, putting a little space between us.
“That’s because I am a cad,” I rolled my eyes. “You are gorgeous, and you shouldn’t let me forget it.” He grinned, lifting his head to look at me again. His lips caught mine a tight kiss, standing up on his toes ever so slightly to gain a few inches over me. When he released me, he pulled away, grabbing my hands and pulling me towards the door.
“C’mon, Hades. Let us go to bed.”
The bedroom was dark when we entered, just the glow of the fireplace giving off enough light to find our way onto the bed. The door closed with a dull clap behind us and Thanatos pulled me close, just to fling me hazardously onto the bed before moving on top of me.
“Eager are we? I thought you wanted to go to sleep.”
“Sex first, then sleep,” He kissed me. I reached up, letting his hair slip through my fingers.
“Keep your wings down,” I commanded, my hands going to wrap around his waist. He obliged, folding them against his back. Afterwards, I pushed him over, into the pillows and straddled his hips between my knees. “Now…what do you want? Fucking? Sucking? Maybe just a little frottage?”
“Anything that’s going to involve our naked bodies,” Thanatos was obviously easy to please, as he wrapped on arm around my shoulders, pulling our mouths back together. I hummed, easing my fingers underneath his shirt, and it wasn’t to much longer before we both found ourselves void of all clothing. Thanatos’s breath was warm against my shoulder, his fingers pressing tightly to the back of my neck as our bodies pressed firmly together. He met every thrust and we grew hard against one another’s bodies nicely. His other hand tightened on my thigh, pulling me tighter. My own hands were separated, one holding back some of my weight, pressed against the mattress at his side. The other was under his hips, pulling him close.
“You better stop, unless you want me to come already.” His hold on my neck loosened, his fingers instead raking through my short hair.
“What’s wrong with that?” I asked, turning my face against his, pressing my lips to his jaw, then to his lips. “I like it when you come.”
“But it’s too quick, we just got started,” He reminded me.
I sighed, pressing my lips to his throat and shifting to his side, pulling our bodies apart. He groaned as cool air flowed between us.
“You didn’t have to move, Hades. Just slow down,” His fingers tightened in my hair, crushing our mouths together again.
“You said to stop,” I shrugged, pulling his hands from my hair. “Besides, I know how to really drive you insane.” I gave him a wicked grin and let my fingers trail down his skin as I moved down the bed. He gave a soft whine the moment my skin left any contact with his, and he sat up to reach for me again. I shook my head, “Ah-ah…”
“What are you doing?” He let me push his hands away, and he leaned up on his elbows.
“Torturing you to the best of my ability,” I shrugged. My tongue flicked playfully at the tip of his member before circling the head. He moaned, his mouth dropping open slightly as he watched me run my tongue in strokes against the entire length before finally putting it fully in my mouth.
“You are cruel,” He sighed, as I pushed his hands away again when he tried to push my further over his member.
“And you are impatient,” I left his member, instead pulling him forward to bring our bodies together again. He slid onto his knees, his hands sliding over my hips and across my buttocks to grab a hold of my thighs. My arms moved over his shoulders and I nudged his face up to mine to kiss as we resumed our frotting. His wings brushed my knuckles as they rose from his back to spread out. His breath grew faster and he began pushing harder and harder against me. We were both solid and it wouldn’t be long before we were emitting our fluids across each other’s bodies.
“Ah…are you ready?” I asked, pulling my mouth from his just for a moment. “Or are you going to ask me to stop again?” I hiked him up, even closer, pulling him even more tightly.
“If you don’t let me come right now…” He let himself trail off, his breath catching as his body jerked forward, pushing me onto my back. His hair fell across my face as he pressed his cheek against mine, grunting softly into my throat. Simultaneously we both came, our seed seeping together between our stomachs. He sighed, relieved, once he had subsided. He took the time to kiss me again before folding his wings back down, and rolling away from me.
“Are you content now?” I asked, shifting onto my side and leaning forward to lick a streak of come from his chest.
“Yes,” He nodded, stretching his arms above his head, sleepily. “I suppose we should probably clean ourselves up though before we turn in.”
“That would be the less dirty way of doing things,” I agreed. “Don’t worry –I’ll get up.” I gave him a quick kiss before getting up from the bed and crossing to the water-pitcher and basin across the room. I was back a moment later, wiping a cool, wet cloth across his bare skin. He shivered, taking it from my hands to do the same for me. When he found the both of us to be satisfactorily cleaned up, he tossed the cloth away, and edged the covers.
“Good night,” he rested his head against my shoulder and closed his eyes. I felt him rest a palm against my help as the last flames of the fire flickered out, casting the room into darkness except for the still-burning embers.
Trouble in the Underworld?
The Story of Hades and his Lovers II
Thanatos, the original Greek god of Death, didn’t visit me often. He had a job to do, and I fully understood that. However, I had given him a troupe of reapers to work in his place, so he could spend more time with me…well, not necessarily with me, but so that he wouldn’t have to worry himself with trivial things.
Earth II was booming. It was a regular metropolis now. Marius over saw it well, with his myriad of lovers, and Hestia at his side. I found it deeply ironic that he kept taking mortal lovers, but I never said anything to him. It had been a thousand years since we had finally peacefully said goodbye. He had assured me that he would come back, but so far he hadn’t. I hadn’t quite lost hope on Marius…I just made a realization that I didn’t need him to make me happy anymore. After all, love be damned, I had my own myriad of lovers at my disposal if I wanted them…but I held back for those I really cared about.
Warm arms wrapped around my shoulders from behind as I wrote out correspondence at my desk in my study.
“I felt that you needed me,” the sultry voice in my ear was hot against my skin. “Was I right?”
“You always are,” I smiled, turning the chair. Thanatos hiked one leg over the arm of the chair and grabbed the back to sit awkwardly in my lap. “But what are you really doing here? I thought you were too busy to come for a visit.”
“Oh bah,” He rolled his eyes. “The Reapers have stolen all of my work, who I am kidding? I spend most of my time with my brother and fixing the reaper’s stupid mistakes…but Hypnosis and I are arguing now…so I though I would come see you.” He placed a short kiss on my lips.
“Oh, so I was an after thought? How nice.”
He made a soft whining noise, “Don’t be like that!”
I laughed softly, pulling my fingers through his hair, “Are you here for a while or just for a romp?”
“Hmmm…that depends on how long you’ll have me,” he kissed me. His tongue stroked mine, and after he finally broke away, I leaned back comfortably in the chair.
“You know that if it were up to me, I wouldn’t let you go at all.” My arms wrapped around his waist more tightly, and I picked him up easily. His legs wrapped around me, and I carried him out of the den.
“Where are you taking me?” He looked confused when I leaned against a door down from the den.
“My room,” I took one hand away from him just long enough to turn the knob, and stumble backwards into the dark room. A fire was already crackling behind it’s gate, adding a nice warmth to the usual cool dampness of the castle.
“We don’t usually do it in here…” His arms loosened around my neck as I dropped him in the middle of the bed and crawled on top of him.
“Going to your room was too far,” I mused. “Besides, my bed is bigger.”
“That it is…” He glanced around at the size of the bed. “Why is that?”
“Because I’m the master of the castle, of course…now hush.” My lips captured his again. My hands moved to caress the feathers of his wings before I ran my hands under his shirt to feel his silky skin. “No battle wounds this time, right?”
He smiled, “No. Nothing by expanses of perfect skin.”
“Fabulous,” I groaned, moving away to pull away his clothes. It wasn’t long before both of us were naked. Thanatos was on top of me, inside of me, his skin warm, his breath hot, and both of us panted heavily against each other’s throats. As he thrust greedily, his lips found mine. He grinned through half-open eyes, biting my bottom lip to incite a groan from my throat. His wings stretched out, wrapping us up in a little cocoon where we were pressed chest-to-chest. My arms went around his neck as he groaned, spilling inside of me.
“Fuck,” I sighed, as he groaned, breathily pulling away.
“You’re still hard,” his smile broadened, his fist wrapping around my member. “You’re always hard…that’s why I like having sex with you…” He was quiet for a few moments, continuing to thrust into me before his smile grew slightly wicked, “Do you want to take me?”
“I’m always willing to take you, Thanatos.”
He pulled out of me, and I couldn’t stop the long groan, my head tilting back. His member brushed mine as he rose to impale himself. I watched him tilt his head back, arcing his back.
When he came back down to rest against me, I petted his hair, “You are such a masochist.”
“Yes, but I am your masochist,” He assured me.
“Well, my little masochist, you need to fuck harder before I get frustrated and break you,” I tugged on one of his wings. “I wouldn’t want to crush one of these in a fit of annoyance.”
His grin still held a slyness, and his leaned down to kiss me soundly, “Don’t worry…I was just adjusting.”
My hands slid down his back. My fingertips traced the wing-joints under his shoulders before gripping his hips. He knew exactly how to use his body for my satisfaction, and I very little to do with the pleasure but reaping benefits. Thanatos groaned, kissing me. My fingers dug further into his hips, silently urging him to thrust harder. His hair fell over his shoulder, teasing my skin.
“Are you close?” his mouth warmed my ear, his hair dusting my cheeks. I reached up, brushing it back away from my face, and over his other shoulder.
“Why? Are you already tired? You’ve just started,” I teased, reaching down between our bodies to stroke his soft member. He moaned in dislike, sensitive from his previous task. I turned his lips to mine again, “You may stop if you like.”
He sighed, rolling away from me, and groaning massaging his hips with his knuckles.
“Silly boy,” I chided, putting my hands above his shoulders, careful not to press down onto his wings. “Don’t think that I am done with you yet.”
“…Are you going to fuck me?” He asked.
“Hmm…I was going to torture you for a bit,” I admitted.
“Oh?” He raised a curious eyebrow.
I licked his lips before leaning back on my knees to stroke my fingers down my chest, “I know how to get you hot again.”
“I just came, Hades!”
“So what?”
“So, I’m not like you…always at the ready.” He tugged on my arms, kissing me again. “Fuck me –and then when you’re done, I might be up for another go.”
“Well you’re not any fun at all, Thanatos,” My lips brushed his throat. “Maybe I shouldn’t fuck you at all…it would be to much of a reward for you.”
He groaned, “What are you going to do then, dare I ask?”
I gave him a smirk before rising onto my knees again. My hand went to my member and I began stroking myself. He leaned up on his elbows, his wings ruffling against the sheets, to lick at the head, but I held him away with my free hand.
“Ah-ah,” I shook my head. “Not yet.”
He grumbled, his eyes averting first to my hand upon my appendage before rising to my face. It only took a moment before he over-took me again, his mouth crushing against mine in a savage fit. His hand replaced mine, and my arms wrapped around his neck. His hips thrust nicely against mine as he fondled me, but I was focusing more on the way his lips felt against mine, soft and wanting. His tongue was damp from panting as it delved into my mouth.
He pulled his mouth from mine to look down as I erupted onto my chest, some of it splattering against his arm and shoulder. He pulled his hand away to lick it away from his arm, looking down innocently at me.
“You’re not even close to being satisfied, are you?” He asked, moving to lap his tongue up my stomach.
I laughed, “Nonsense, I am quite pleased.” I lifted him back up, pulling him against me. “Just because I’m hard doesn’t mean I need another go.” I chided.
“So says you,” He retorted. His face turned into my neck, his hair splaying across my face and neck. One wing flattened against the bed, he other rose to curl over us, the feathers tickling our skin.
“I mean it –you’ve satisfied me quite well.”
He made a guttural noise, “Ha! I’ve seen you spill more by simple tongue strokes.” His nose continued to nuzzle deeper down my shoulder.
“Ah, this is about the amount of my visual satisfaction,” I mused. I brushed my fingertips over one of his wings. “Well…that I don’t have an explanation for. Sometimes it comes in pints, sometimes only in mere ounces.”
He made a soft whining noise, reminding me a bit of like a cat, “Hades…”
“What is it, Love?” I asked, stroking his hair instead. I wrapped the tendrils around my fingers, slightly tugging his face to mine.
“I want you to fuck me again,” His lips brushed mine in a faint kiss. “I want you to be completely emptied.”
“Darling, I don’t think such a thing is possible,” I laughed. My fingers untangled from his hair, and moved to stroke along his back. “But we could try if you’d like. Surely right now you’re tired from your work and travel…and the sex that has already been had.”
He hummed softly, curling his leg over my hips, holding me tightly, “Sort of.”
“How long are you staying for? You never told me.”
“You didn’t give me a chance before you whisked me away.”
I laughed, “I guess so.”
“Anyway, I’ll probably only stay a few days. Maybe a week or two; if that’s OK.”
“Of course it is,” my fingers reached his bared backside and I gave it a tight squeeze. He gave a short noise of being pleased, and set to kissing me again.
Of course, just because everything seemed to be going so well, something had to go wrong. Thanatos and I were quite pleased with each other. We were learning each other’s movements, likes, dislikes, and quirks. I loved him like I had never loved anyone else –but at the same time, it wasn’t like we were inseparable. He could tell me any day that he wanted that he was done with me, and I would be okay with that.
Not that I expected Thanatos to come up to me at breakfast and say, “Hades, I don’t think this relationship is healthy –I think I’m going to go back to the way things were before we started sleeping together. Goodbye.” That would be ludicrous. He was content to lounge in bed with me in the morning, pressing kisses down my throat and chest, eat a leisurely breakfast before I made my usual daily rounds, meet for a quick lunch, maybe a little after-lunch sex. Then we would part again until dinner, and then of course after dinner, we usually retired to one of the bedrooms for an evening alone.
So yes, our relationship was mostly sex, but we did our share of talking too. Mostly between romps, but sometimes in the morning, or right before we went to sleep we would have short chats before sleep would overcome us. Nights that we didn’t have sex though, nights that we just lay in each others arms, listening to each other breath, discussing light-hearted things…they were just as good, if not better.
I tried not to think about Marius, but it was hard. Marius had been my inseparable lover. We did everything you could think of together. With Thanatos, it wasn’t like that. We were two totally separate entities with nothing that tied us together. Thanatos had his job as a reaper –bringing souls to the underworld and all that, and I was a supreme deity overseeing my kingdom.
“What are you thinking about?” Thanatos’s hair fell over my shoulder as he leaned over my chair.
“Us,” I admitted.
“Oh? What about us?”
“How unlikely a pair we are.”
“Why do you say that?” He asked, looking at me quizzically. “I’d say we are a perfect pair –we like the same things, both of our jobs are particularly morbid…we both enjoy being in the underworld…”
“You like it here? Really?”
“Really,” He nodded. “I like that it’s always cool, and the noise of the wandering souls is kind of…musical after awhile.”
I smiled, reaching up to touch his face, “You’re so precious.”
His lips met mine, “So what is really wrong?”
“I wonder what you are doing here sometimes.”
“What are you talking about? Do you want me to leave?” He seemed surprised.
“No! No! Of course I want you to stay!” I reached for his wrist, holding him close to my chair. I drew him around, pulling him into my lap. “I mean…why do you bother coming to me when you could have any other person in the world.”
“Because you’ll always be here,” He stroked his finger along my cheek. “Why should I get attached to some mortal who is just going to up and die on me, when I can have you? You are all that I will ever need.”
“Does this mean that you…you’ve remained faithful to me?”
“You didn’t expect me to? I thought I was your lover.”
“You are! I just…” I shrugged. “I didn’t know you had attached a string to us.”
“Have you remained faithful?”
“Of course,” I scoffed. “Who would I be sleeping with other then you?”
He shrugged, picking a bit of fluff from my sleeve, averting his eyes. “I don’t know…I thought that maybe Marius had come back to you, or something.”
I scoffed, “Marius hasn’t returned to me, and I already told him that he would have to share my affection.” I brushed the back of my knuckles over his cheek. “You wouldn’t like that though, would you?”
“Like what?” He acted daft, though I knew he understood me completely.
“You wouldn’t like to share me with Marius.”
He shrugged, “I suppose he has some right to being in your bed. He was your lover for eons. I wouldn’t have much of a case against it…except that I wouldn’t want you to do it.” He looked up at me, seriousness showing in the edges of his eyes, “If he comes back to you…what will happen to me?”
“Marius isn’t going to come back to me, I gave up on him a long time ago.”
“But if he did…he walked in that door right now, and said, “Hades, I want to fuck you so badly it hurts”, what would you do? Would you fuck him?”
I shrugged, “I don’t know…does he love me?”
“Yes.”
“Does he have that spark in the pit of his stomach? That feeling that makes it all worthwhile?”
“Yes.”
I shrugged again, “Then yes, I probably would.”
“And if he didn’t have those things? If he just really needed to release himself?”
“Then I would tell him that his previous lovers are all in my employ and that he could help himself to one or more of them.”
He looked down again, quietly unbuttoning my shirt to graze his fingertips over my skin, “Hades?”
“Yes?”
“Do you feel that spark for me?”
I mused for a moment before answering, “I didn’t at first –we were just doing it because we wanted to…but I do now.”
“Is it as strong for me as it was when you were fucking Marius?”
“Stop comparing yourself to him,” I pulled his hands away from my shirt. “It’s very childish. You are two separate people.”
“I take that as a no, then.”
“You and Marius are totally different people. I love you two separate ways.”
“What do you mean?” He pressed.
I sighed. This conversation had probably been a long time in coming, but I still wasn’t really prepared for it. How was I supposed to explain to a god that I loved him, but at the same time I didn’t? I didn’t want to tell him that he was a fuck of convenience –he was more then that, and yet he wasn’t.
“I mean that…at first, it seemed like I couldn’t live without him, but obviously I can With you, I know that that you’re going to come and go as you please. You aren’t tied to me, tied to the Underworld.”
“I could be.”
“What are you suggesting?”
“The old rules have changed…we could get married.”
My stomach leapt, “Married?”
“Yes –many of the Gods are reconsidering their former partners. You and Persephone have already divorced. Haven’t you ever thought of marrying again?” His eyes were pools of opal and I found myself being sucked into them.
“But we are both men—“
“Exactly,” His forehead pressed to mine. “We could change the world, Hades.”
“What if it didn’t work? What if we tire of one another?”
“We worry about that then. –So, what say you? Will you marry me?”
“I don’t know, Thanatos…”
His eyes changed, and he pulled away from me, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“I didn’t say no,” I reached for his wrist.
“But you didn’t say yes, either.”
“You haven’t given me the proper chance to think it over!” I protested, “if you want an immediate answer then no, just because you’re in such a rush. Goodness, you lead me to think you are with child or something equally awful.”
Thanatos’s face fell further, “You don’t like children?”
“I don’t think that life full of sullen sadness, surrounded by death is a very good environment for a child.” I lifted his face to my eyes, “Thanatos, if you want children then marry a woman.”
“I don’t want a woman,” He pulled me up from the chair, wrapping his arms around my waist. His wings enclosed around us, shutting out the light and his forehead pressed to mine. “I want you, Hades. We could make this work. It would give us a tie. Right now, we’re merely hanging by threads. I want permanence. I want a solid hold to you.”
“Thanatos, you are so funny.”
“I am not trying to be funny!”
“I know, I know…” My fingers brushed across his cheeks. “If you really want to…then of course I’ll marry you.”
Opposition stated mere moments, it seemed, after I had finally agreed. Zeus made his feelings evident the moment the message reached him of our impending nuptuals.
“I don’t care whom you have sex with Hades, but I cannot condone this marriage! It has never been allowed!” He shook his head.
“Well, no one asked you if it was allowed. Is it written in stone somewhere?” I asked.
“Of course not –it was an unspoken rule. No one has ever dared to break it!”
“Well, I intend to, with our without your blessing Brother. I couldn’t give less of a damn about what you think.”
“What about Marius?”
“What about him?”
“Isn’t he going to feel cheated?”
“Why would he? He has a wife.”
“And you are taking a husband! A right that should have been his a long time ago!”
“It wasn’t allowed back then, remember?”
Zeus looked annoyed.
“What bothers you more? That I am getting married, or that I am getting married to a man?” My eyebrows raised, “If you’ll remember, you like the touch of men just as well as I do.”
“Bullshit,” he scoffed. “That is total shit and you know it. I liked sleeping with you and with Marius—”
“Ah-ah! Neither of us were your first,” I reminded him. “You loved a man and you know it.”
Arguing with me proved to be a loosing battle for Zeus, bt many more bombarded us with their displeasure. It seemed that the only people happy or us were the deities of love –Eros and Aphrodite, and the unlikely pair of Hestia and Marius.
“You looked worried,” Thanatos wrapped his arms around me one evening as the dawn of our wedding drew closer.
“I am more confused then worried, I think.” I placed my hands ontop of his. “We have surprising and worrying support.”
“What are you more flabbergasted about? Eros and Aphrodite or Hestia and Marius?”
“I’m not sure, I guess it is just that there are so many against us. Even though many of them already know that love knows no gender.” I tipped my head back to look at him. “Was this controversy what you were looking for when you asked me to marry you?”
“No…not really. But I like that it is showing peoples true colors. Some of these people –like Zeus, are just being ridiculous because they can be.”
“I know,” I nodded.
Thanatos murmured, leaning down to brush his lips against my cheek, “It’s late. Why don’t we go to bed?”
“I thought you already had,” I admitted.
“I did, but it was lonely without you.” Thanatos nuzzled against my neck. “Come to bed? You’ve been up for hours now. You need to rest your eyes from all of the red ink that the hate-mailers have been using.”
I laughed, “I have begun to just burn all of the negative RSVPs, actually. So far, we have a very small guest list.”
“Ah well, that’s alright. I always kind wanted just a small, quaint little wedding. Something just for the two of us.” He kissed me again.
“You look very handsome, Thanatos.” It occurred to me that I had been a long time since I complimented his good looks. His face flushed a light shade of pink.
“What do you mean?”
“You look really good tonight,” I repeated, standing up from my chair, and wrapping my arms around his bare waist. “Your wings are a silky-shade of black, your hair sleek and brushed, your skin is tan…you’re gorgeous.”
“Thank you?”
“Why do I detect a hint of disbelieve in your voice? You don’t think you can be handsome, Thanatos?”
“It’s not that,” He shook his head. “I just…you don’t tell me that very often.” He looked down at our feet, his arms pressed against my chest, his hands resting on my shoulders, putting a little space between us.
“That’s because I am a cad,” I rolled my eyes. “You are gorgeous, and you shouldn’t let me forget it.” He grinned, lifting his head to look at me again. His lips caught mine a tight kiss, standing up on his toes ever so slightly to gain a few inches over me. When he released me, he pulled away, grabbing my hands and pulling me towards the door.
“C’mon, Hades. Let us go to bed.”
The bedroom was dark when we entered, just the glow of the fireplace giving off enough light to find our way onto the bed. The door closed with a dull clap behind us and Thanatos pulled me close, just to fling me hazardously onto the bed before moving on top of me.
“Eager are we? I thought you wanted to go to sleep.”
“Sex first, then sleep,” He kissed me. I reached up, letting his hair slip through my fingers.
“Keep your wings down,” I commanded, my hands going to wrap around his waist. He obliged, folding them against his back. Afterwards, I pushed him over, into the pillows and straddled his hips between my knees. “Now…what do you want? Fucking? Sucking? Maybe just a little frottage?”
“Anything that’s going to involve our naked bodies,” Thanatos was obviously easy to please, as he wrapped on arm around my shoulders, pulling our mouths back together. I hummed, easing my fingers underneath his shirt, and it wasn’t to much longer before we both found ourselves void of all clothing. Thanatos’s breath was warm against my shoulder, his fingers pressing tightly to the back of my neck as our bodies pressed firmly together. He met every thrust and we grew hard against one another’s bodies nicely. His other hand tightened on my thigh, pulling me tighter. My own hands were separated, one holding back some of my weight, pressed against the mattress at his side. The other was under his hips, pulling him close.
“You better stop, unless you want me to come already.” His hold on my neck loosened, his fingers instead raking through my short hair.
“What’s wrong with that?” I asked, turning my face against his, pressing my lips to his jaw, then to his lips. “I like it when you come.”
“But it’s too quick, we just got started,” He reminded me.
I sighed, pressing my lips to his throat and shifting to his side, pulling our bodies apart. He groaned as cool air flowed between us.
“You didn’t have to move, Hades. Just slow down,” His fingers tightened in my hair, crushing our mouths together again.
“You said to stop,” I shrugged, pulling his hands from my hair. “Besides, I know how to really drive you insane.” I gave him a wicked grin and let my fingers trail down his skin as I moved down the bed. He gave a soft whine the moment my skin left any contact with his, and he sat up to reach for me again. I shook my head, “Ah-ah…”
“What are you doing?” He let me push his hands away, and he leaned up on his elbows.
“Torturing you to the best of my ability,” I shrugged. My tongue flicked playfully at the tip of his member before circling the head. He moaned, his mouth dropping open slightly as he watched me run my tongue in strokes against the entire length before finally putting it fully in my mouth.
“You are cruel,” He sighed, as I pushed his hands away again when he tried to push my further over his member.
“And you are impatient,” I left his member, instead pulling him forward to bring our bodies together again. He slid onto his knees, his hands sliding over my hips and across my buttocks to grab a hold of my thighs. My arms moved over his shoulders and I nudged his face up to mine to kiss as we resumed our frotting. His wings brushed my knuckles as they rose from his back to spread out. His breath grew faster and he began pushing harder and harder against me. We were both solid and it wouldn’t be long before we were emitting our fluids across each other’s bodies.
“Ah…are you ready?” I asked, pulling my mouth from his just for a moment. “Or are you going to ask me to stop again?” I hiked him up, even closer, pulling him even more tightly.
“If you don’t let me come right now…” He let himself trail off, his breath catching as his body jerked forward, pushing me onto my back. His hair fell across my face as he pressed his cheek against mine, grunting softly into my throat. Simultaneously we both came, our seed seeping together between our stomachs. He sighed, relieved, once he had subsided. He took the time to kiss me again before folding his wings back down, and rolling away from me.
“Are you content now?” I asked, shifting onto my side and leaning forward to lick a streak of come from his chest.
“Yes,” He nodded, stretching his arms above his head, sleepily. “I suppose we should probably clean ourselves up though before we turn in.”
“That would be the less dirty way of doing things,” I agreed. “Don’t worry –I’ll get up.” I gave him a quick kiss before getting up from the bed and crossing to the water-pitcher and basin across the room. I was back a moment later, wiping a cool, wet cloth across his bare skin. He shivered, taking it from my hands to do the same for me. When he found the both of us to be satisfactorily cleaned up, he tossed the cloth away, and edged the covers.
“Good night,” he rested his head against my shoulder and closed his eyes. I felt him rest a palm against my help as the last flames of the fire flickered out, casting the room into darkness except for the still-burning embers.
Monday, October 29, 2007
THe Story of Hade and his Lover (Final, Pt. 12)
Part 12
“Marius, what’s the matter?” Hestia was pressed against me, and she felt odd. “You keep fidgeting.”
“I’m sorry,” I pressed a kiss to her cheek. “I just…I can’t get comfortable.”
She sighed, turning around, wrapping an arm around my waist, “Because I’m not him, right? I told you we don’t have to share a room, Marius. I don’t expect you to treat me like your lover. I know that’s not what you want.”
“You’re my wife –you’ll sleep next to me.” I brushed her hair from her forehead.
She sighed, sitting up, “That may be true, but I’m not what you really want –no, let me speak.” She touched a finger to my lips as I began to protest. “I’m not a man, Marius. I can’t make you feel the same way.”
“I still feel good with you, Hestia.” I leaned up on my elbow, tugging her closer.
“But it’s still not the same as the way you felt with Hades. You were happier with him.” She brushed her fingers across my cheek, before she pressed a chaste kiss to my lips. “I’m going to go sleep in another room. Should I send someone in for you? Maybe that new servant boy, Jasper?”
“Don’t tease me.” I scoffed.
“I think he’d be more then happy to pleasure you,” She teased. “He’s got really nice hands –I noticed when he was doing the ironing the other morning.”
“I don’t want Jasper,” I shook my head.
“I know you don’t want him,” She sighed, turning to light one of the lamps near the bed and casting a low glow over the room. “But…you’re to pig-head to go and get what you really want.”
“He doesn’t want me anymore, he’s already replaced me.”
“My brother didn’t replace you, Marius. I wish you would stop saying that.” She shook her head. “He moved on. You said you were done with him, and Thanatos was willing to fill the hole you left in his heart. He’s not quite the perfect fit, but Hades enjoys the time he spends with him.”
“Fuck Hades –and Thanatos. I don’t need them, as long as I have you.” I wrapped my arms around her waist and buried my head into her stomach. She felt soft and delicate. It was nice, but she was right…she wasn’t what I wanted.
“Cad,” She sighed, running her fingers through my hair. “You know this was a marriage of convenience. We shouldn’t have lead Hades to believe otherwise.”
I turned my face back up to hers, “Why are you so concerned about Hades all of a sudden?”
“Because I can tell that you aren’t happy…and Thanatos stopped in yesterday…he took Jacob.”
“Hmm, yes.” I nodded. Jacob had died the previous day. He had been rather ill for the last couple of weeks, and of course he had been ageing (to me, anyway) at an alarming rate. I would miss him, his company, and his loyal, dutiful personality.
“I asked him if he was staying with Hades now…he said he wasn’t.”
“I don’t want to know about their relationship, thanks. I am perfectly happy to stay in the dark.”
“You know if you wanted to, he would take you back in a heartbeat. He has less to do now, the resurrection schedule solidified several months ago.”
“I know that,” I shrugged. “But I don’t want him back. He doesn’t want me.”
“The hell he doesn’t. He worships the ground you walk on and you know it. You’re both just…you’re both assholes!” She spat, pushing me away. “I can’t talk to you anymore, Marius. Goodnight.”
“Hestia,” I called her back, “Wait, I’m sorry. I know I’m an ass, but…Hestia?” She didn’t turn back as she pulled her silky robe around herself. “Where are you going to go?”
“One of the guest rooms, I suppose.” She replied curtly. “Goodnight, Marius. I’ll send in one of the servants. You shouldn’t sleep alone.”
“Hestia, I don’t want—“ The door closed, cutting me off. I sighed, and laid back into the pillows, preparing myself to send away Jasper whenever he should arrive.
As had been done with Jacob, Jasper was given the express duty of being my manservant. Jacob had picked him out before his demise, and Zeus had taken the time to approve the match. He was pretty, I suppose, with thick curly black hair, blue eyes, and a caramel complexion.
“Lady Hestia said you wanted me,” He leaned shyly in the doorway. She had obviously pulled him from bed. His hair was ruffled, his clothes were slightly awry, and his feet were deliciously bare. “Or was she mistaken…again?”
This was the third time in several days that Hestia had sent him to me. It wasn’t that I didn’t like him, but it felt bizarre to take part in another noncommittal relationship.
“I’m afraid so,” I nodded. “But…” I stopped him As he began to step away and close the door. I had caught the look of disappointment on his face, and was slightly surprised by it. “Why don’t you come in anyway? Hestia doesn’t believe I should sleep alone…I am inclined to agree with her.”
“Jacob told me you never sleep,” Jasper slipped through the door, closing it softly behind him. “Or was he mistaken?”
I smiled, “I rarely slept around him –I found him to be rather untrustworthy sometimes. But I doubt you have the gall to molest a god.”
His eyes widened slightly and he shook his head, “N-No…I don’t, I mean, I wouldn’t do that, not to you –not that I would do it to someone else either.” He shook his head vehemently. “I’m sorry, I’ll just shut my mouth.”
I smiled, “No, your babbling is cute. Come sit down.” I patted the bed next to me. He sat tentatively on the edge of the bed, folding his hands in his lap. “What’s the matter?”
“N-nothing,” He shook his head.
“Oh come on,” I chided. “You look scared. How come? Do I scare you?”
“N-no…I just…I’m not sure what to expect from you.”
“Oh?” I tilted my head. “Why do you say that?”
“Jacob explained to me what my duties to you were, including being your lover--”
“Jacob wasn’t my lover, Jasper. He was someone I had sex with on a regular basis, but he wasn’t my lover. I don’t expect you will be either.”
“Exactly…so, am I just supposed to let you use me, fall in love you, even though I know you’ll never feel the same way about me? I don’t want to be whimsical or anything. I don’t expect for you to love me, but I feel as though I am cheating myself out of a productive life if I…” He stopped himself again. “No, I’m sorry. I should be happy for this opportunity.”
“Tell you what…” I leaned over, letting the covers fall around my waist as I blew out the candle, casting the room back into darkness. “We’ll try it out…if you don’t like it, if you aren’t pleased with the way it all turns out, I’ll let you go. I didn’t choose you –Jacob and Zeus did.”
“Try what?” He asked.
I laughed softly, reaching for him through the darkness and taking a hold of his arm. He moved easily into my hold as I pulled him across the bed. My lips sought out his and for the first time in years, a wave of excitement flooded over me. Whether that was excitement because I was finally having sex with another man for the first time in months, or whether I was simply suppressing true desire for Jasper, I didn’t know.
He groaned, and I knew I had held the kiss to long. His lips simply tasted divine, and I wanted to savor that flavor as long as I could.
“Hmm,” I pulled back, licking my lips. “I taste strawberries…and chocolate.”
His face warmed in a blush, and he lowered his head.
“What are you so shy for?” I asked, tilting his head back up, and kissing him again. The flavor was the same, and so much different from the wine I usually tasted on Hades’ breath, and the fruit of Jacob’s. “It wasn’t a reprimand, Jasper.”
He was silent again, and I felt his tongue move against mine just a bit.
I pushed him back into the pillows, sitting astride his hips. My palms pressed into his shoulders, holding him back. His arms raised slightly as if to push me back, but then stopped.
“You’re afraid, am I right?” I asked. My balanced my hip against his, shifting my weight so I could run my palm under his shirt and across his muscular chest.
“What is there to be afraid of?” He asked.
“You tell me,” I countered. “You are the one whose heart is beating a mile a minute.” My hand stopped over his heart, feeling it patter through his chest.
“You make me nervous, but I’m not afraid.” He shook his head.
“Why?” I tilted my head. “I’m not that different from you.”
“Maybe not physically you aren’t, but mentally and personality wise, we are quite far apart.”
“Don’t think like that,” I shifted back over him, and pulled his shirt over his head. “I don’t understand why I never get boys who are just interested in fucking. You all think this is some kind of fanciful mind game or something.”
“Shouldn’t sex be a mind game?” Jasper asked.
“No, it shouldn’t. It should be to people, some friction, and a couple of exploding orgasms near the end. No feelings need to be involved.”
“But isn’t it better if there are feelings involved?” He watched my tongue trace around his nipple.
I sighed, “You talk to much, Jasper.”
“My many pardons, m’lord. I won’t open my mouth again.”
“Hmm…I think we’ll come back to that thought in a moment.” I pressed a kiss to his lips, and was surprised by the familiar sinking in my stomach that I hadn’t felt for such a long time. I looked up at him, analyzing his face. He wasn’t unattractive by any means, but he certainly wasn’t my master. So, what exactly was it that was making my stomach churn in such a delicious way? Did my subconscious sense something that I couldn’t visually see? Was it something in the way that he smelled? I leaned back, staring at him for a moment.
“Is there something wrong?” He finally asked, after we had sat in silence for several minutes.
“I feel something for you, and that isn’t right.” I pushed off of the bed, walking away from him to pour a glass of wine. “I’m not supposed to feel anything.”
“That’s a sad way to look –why shouldn’t you feel anything?”
“Because I can’t love you!” I turned back to him, “You’re mortal! You’re sweet, and young, and kind now, but in another twenty, thirty years you’re going to get old and bitter and you’ll die on me. Not to mention the fact that you aren’t…you aren’t him.”
“Well, thank you for reminding me of my mortality. I don’t think about that enough as it is, and as for me not being ‘him’, I can only assume that you are referring to Hades, to which all I have to say is…No, I’m not.” Jasper shrugged. “Why are you so afraid of letting yourself love someone else?”
“Because he’s the only one I really want!” I wasn’t sure why I was getting so angry at Jasper. It wasn’t as if he had done anything wrong, other then have some bizarre quality that made me feel instantly head-over-heels for him.
“Do you want me to leave?” He asked, moving from the bed.
“Yes, I do,” I nodded before tipping back my glass of wine. I tried not to watch him pull his shirt back over his head and made his way towards the door.
“Marius?” He stopped at the doorway.
“What is it?” I bit.
“We like having you here and all that, but you really aren’t happy here…we’d understand why you left. There are plenty of other people who are capable of keeping us all in line.”
I mulled over what he had said after the door had shut. It was true, there were plenty of gods roaming Earth II now. I just happened to be the one that everyone looked to for guidance all of the time. Hestia was second to that effect, as she intermingled with them, but she was too gentle-hearted to order them around; not that I was cruel by any means but I was impartial to them and to their whims of fancy.
The closet door creaked open, and I hadn’t realized that I had opened the portal to the Underworld. I stared at the door an the swirling colors for a moment. Did I really want to go through? What if I went through and he was with Thanatos? Did I really want to see that? Wouldn’t it just be another dagger in my stomach; another scar on my wrist?
Then I decided, it didn’t matter if he was with Thanatos. I needed him. He had promised he would be there waiting for me and damn it, I needed him. For the first time, I was afraid. He had moved on, really and truly moved on. I knew it had been rude to tell him that Hestia and I were in love –which wasn’t completely untrue, but it was a platonic kind of love. But it had also been cruel of him to whisper such crude things to his new lover in front of me, as if I wouldn’t care.
I breathed a sigh of relief when I found that he was alone.
“Marius?” He turned from his desk, “What brings you here at this time of day? Something the matter?” He turned back, opening a desk drawer to throw something into it before closing it tightly again.
“No, not really.” I shrugged, “I guess I just, I just wanted to see you is all.”
“Oh?” He raised an eyebrow. “Something is wrong then. What is it?”
I leaned back against the wall, crossing my arms over my chest, “Jacob didn’t mean anything to me, Hades.”
“Yes, I know.”
“But, this Jasper...He is different. I don’t want to feel anything for him.” I looked up at him. “But I can’t help myself.”
“What about Hestia? I thought you were in love with her, and had given up on boys.” His tone was teasing, as though he already knew our plot.
“Don’t be stupid,” I scoffed. “Yes, Hestia and I are married and we’ve consummated, but I like men just as much as I did before.”
“Oh,” He nodded. “What really brings you here, Marius.”
“I hate it there,” I sighed, sinking down the wall to sit on the floor. “It’s bright and shiny, and has that still-new scent about it. The mortals are always asking me for things that I cannot responsibly give to them, and I am sick of being treated like their king or something. I just want to go back to the way that it was.”
“What do you mean?”
“I want to go back to being us. Just you and me, here alone, with the screaming cries of the dead surrounding us every moment of everyday.”
“You really want that?” He asked, getting up from the desk to stand in front of me.
“Of course I do.”
“I thought that you hated me,” He held out his hand, which I took, and he pulled me up from the floor. “Why put on such a charade if that’s the way that you feel.”
“You made me angry when you said we should try something new.”
“I said you should give it a chance. You’re the one that ended it completely. I was going to be content to share you.”
“Why should you have had to share me? I’m not yours to share.” I shook my head.
“Aren’t you?” He tilted his head to the side, his hands tightening around my wrist. “I thought we had already established a long time ago that you are a very valuable piece of property, Marius.”
“You’re just saying that, you don’t mean it.” I flushed red.
His smile was soft, “No, I don’t.” He brought one of my wrists to his lips. “Why don’t we just forget it? Say to hell with everyone and everything; we’ll stay here forever.”
“You always suggest that, and we have yet to actually do it.”
“That’s because you always have an excuse,” He scoffed. He pulled me closer, wrapping his arms around my waist. “Is this what you really want, Marius? To come back; be my little slave again?”
“I want you to be my master,” I confirmed. I leaned my head against his shoulder, closing my eyes to savor the warmth of his body pressed against mine. He felt so strong and familiar with his arms wrapped around me. “I…I have missed you. I thought I could live without you, but I truly cannot.” I looked up at him. “Will you take me back, or am I to late?”
He lifted his hand to brush my hair away from my face, “Marius…I don’t know.” I felt my face fall. “It hasn’t been that long, I don’t want to hurt anyone else.”
I lowered my head to his shoulder again, “You mean you do not want to hurt Thanatos, am I right? He is important to you.”
“He is,” Hades nodded. “I love him.”
I felt the tears prickle at the back of my eyes, “I understand.”
“Marius,” He lifted my chin. “I love you, I do. I want you, I’ve waited for this moment, but…I love Thanatos too. Can you accept that?”
“I do not understand,” I shook my head. “What do you want from me?”
“I want you to be one of my lovers, keeping in mind that I have another.”
“You want me to share you with him.”
“I’m not asking you to have group sex, Marius. I want you to respect that I love him almost as much as I love you –you come first, you always have. But I need him. He’s a part of my life now.”
I shook my head, “I do not think I can share you, Ma—Hades.” I stopped myself from calling him ‘that name’. The last thing I wanted him to know was that I still thought of him in that way. “And even if I was willing to, how would Thanatos react to that?”
“Thanatos knows how I feel about you. He also knows I’m a very sexual being. I don’t think that he would mind sharing, as you put it, if he knew it was with you. Besides, we spend long periods apart. It wouldn’t come as any surprise to him.”
“And would you expect us to be completely faithful to you?” I asked.
“That depends…are you going to stay here with me, or are you going to go back and keep your place on earth?”
“I…I want to come back here. I do not belong up there,” I shook my head. “I belong here with you.”
“Then I would want you to be faithful, but I couldn’t really reprimand you for sleeping with someone else.” He traced a finger across my jaw, raising my head again. “I don’t expect Thanatos to remain faithful. He has needs, and we can’t be together often enough to fulfill them.”
“This all seems a little backwards does it not?”
“You’re the one who came back, Marius. These are the terms and you can take them or leave them. You can have me, and know that I will be having someone else occasionally at the same time, or you go back to the way we’ve been these past thirty or so years, being miserable and avoiding each other.”
“Are you really miserable without me?”
“I am absolutely wretched without you.” His lips brushed mine, then fell against my cheek.
“You seemed pretty happy with Thanatos at the party,” I murmured, trying to ignore the way his hands slid underneath the hem of my shirt, brushing lightly over my skin. “You looked as if you were having a grand old time without me..”
“All for show, Marius; I was trying to make you jealous. Did it work?”
“I suppose in a way. I am here, aren’t I?”
“I thought you were here because you were afraid you were starting to feel something for someone else. Why are you so afraid of emotion all of a sudden, Marius? It seems like, since you left you hate to allow yourself to love.”
“I think you allow yourself to love too easily –I wasn’t even gone two years before you fell into this affair with Thanatos.”
“Hmm,” He nodded. “But I don’t have a problem being in love, Marius.”
“I was in love, I didn’t need to replace you.”
“Why do you keep thinking that Thanatos was a replacement for you, Marius? He wasn’t –the two of you are completely different.” He shook his head, “I love you because you are kind, gentle, sweet, shy… I love him because he isn’t you –he doesn’t need me to survive, he’s self-sufficient.”
“You love me because I am needy then.”
“Yes, I love you because you’ve always needed me, needed a strong guiding hand to tell you what to do.” His mouth found mine again, his time his tongue pressing past my lips introducing that familiar taste of wine and pomegranates to my mouth. I couldn’t suppress the moan that escaped my throat. It was completely true, and I couldn’t deny it –I needed him to order me around, to be my Master.
My arms went around his neck, and I pulled his ear to my lips, “Fuck me –punish me for everything I’ve done wrong.”
“Marius—” He started to protest, but I insisted.
“Please, I want you to. I have tried to discipline myself, but it is not the same. I need you to do it. Use me.” I looked up at him. “Please?”
“Marius, I don’t need to punish you. You haven’t done anything wrong.”
“Then do it anyway, do it because I asked you to.” My arms tightened around his neck, and he lifted me up by my hips, wrapping my legs around his waist.
“You are becoming a little masochist, aren’t you?” He teased, nuzzling against my neck before shrugging, “okay, if it will make you feel better.”
He carried me to the bed, tossing down me uncouthly. He pushed me back into the mattress. His hands carefully undid the buttons of my shirt at first before he sighed, and simply tore the fabric away. I fought the urge to protest as the torn bits of fabric were cast aside. His mouth was warm against my skin. His lips first brushed my collar and then made a trail down the center of my torso. Finally he pressed them to mine again for a moment. His tongue was gentle, lapping against my closed mouth. I turned my face away, and he grunted. His head lay against my shoulder, and he lay down half against me, half on top of me.
“What’s wrong, Marius?” His fingers brushed my forehead.
“I don’t feel it.” I whispered.
“Feel what?”
I took his hand from my face, leading it down to my stomach, “when I made love to you, my stomach used to tighten and sink, and it was always exciting. I wanted it, I was starved for it. I…” I shook my head. “I don’t feel it.”
He smiled, “Marius, it’s OK.”
“No, it isn’t! I love you! Why don’t I want you? Why don’t I need you?” My head whipped to look at him, and knocked heads with him. He grunted again, rubbing his forehead, and rolling partially away.
“Marius, relax…you’re…you’re growing up.”
“What are you talking about?” I bit. “I am immortal. I do not grow up. I died when I was 20, and that is the end of that.”
“Marius, how old are you?”
“I just told you, twenty!”
“No, Marius. You’ve existed for centuries…millennia. You spent most of those years with me, in love with me. You still love me, Marius.” He assured me. “Just like I still love you.” He rolled back, pressing our foreheads together. “We can make love, and you won’t feel that same sharp intake you used to, but it doesn’t mean that you don’t love me.”
“But I want to feel it. I felt it earlier, when I was with Jasper. Why don’t I feel it now?”
“I don’t know. We’ve spent nearly…what, fifty years apart? I know, that’ not even a fraction of our time together, but you’ve experience different people, different things.”
“I don’t want to go back there,” I hid my face against his chest.
“You have to,” he chided. “It’s your job.”
I sighed, “I don’t want to want Jasper. He’s going to die, just like the rest of them, and then I’ll have to find someone else.”
“And maybe there will be another Jasper…another mortal who makes you feel like I did. Makes you feel like Jasper does. Or maybe after Jasper dies, you’ll get those feelings in the pit of your stomach back for me.” His hand pressed against my stomach, and he felt cold against my warmth.
“I should leave,” I sighed.
“You don’t have to. It’s not morning yet. Why don’t you stay here with me tonight?” He offered.
“No…if I don’t leave now, I won’t unless you drag me kicking and screaming.” I sighed, moving away from his hands to sit on the edge of the bed. I covered my face in my hands for a moment, just breathing. “…Can I come back?”
“Marius, you can come here whenever you want. I was never barricading you.”
“What about Thanatos? What if you’re with him if I come?”
He smiled, moving across the bed to wrap his arms around my chest, “Marius, you will always come before Thanatos. Even if we’re fucking like rabbits, I will take the time to take care of you.”
I scoffed. I didn’t want to picture my master and his new lover fucking like any kind of animal. His lips pressed under my ear, “I love you Marius. I always will…and you’ll always love me. Even if you don’t feel that same spark when we touch.”
“I don’t understand these emotions,” I cursed. “I want to feel more for you then adoration! I want that lust back!”
“Lust isn’t meant to last forever, Marius.” He assured me, and I could feel myself remaining rigid at the sound of my name on his tongue, where I used to melt. Even calling Master wasn’t going to help me. “Come back when you need me.”
I stood up, his arms falling away from me, “I don’t like that you’re sleeping with Thanatos.”
He smiled, “You don’t really have much of a say in who I sleep with though, now do you?”
“I know, but I just wanted you to know that I don’t like it.”
“I know,” He nodded. “Just like I didn’t care for you sleeping with Jacob…who is very happy here by the way.”
“He is here?”
“Yes, I offered him a place in the castle. He is currently on laundry duty with James. Did you want to see him?”
“No,” I shook my head. “I didn’t feel the spark with him. I meant it when I said I didn’t love him.”
Hades smiled again, “Why don’t you go…before I won’t let you. Don’t forget your shirt.” He motioned to the scrap of fabric that was left of my shirt.
“Master?” I was at the door, the white fabric wrapped tightly in my hands.
“Yes?”
“I’ll be back…when I get that spark again.”
“Marius, what’s the matter?” Hestia was pressed against me, and she felt odd. “You keep fidgeting.”
“I’m sorry,” I pressed a kiss to her cheek. “I just…I can’t get comfortable.”
She sighed, turning around, wrapping an arm around my waist, “Because I’m not him, right? I told you we don’t have to share a room, Marius. I don’t expect you to treat me like your lover. I know that’s not what you want.”
“You’re my wife –you’ll sleep next to me.” I brushed her hair from her forehead.
She sighed, sitting up, “That may be true, but I’m not what you really want –no, let me speak.” She touched a finger to my lips as I began to protest. “I’m not a man, Marius. I can’t make you feel the same way.”
“I still feel good with you, Hestia.” I leaned up on my elbow, tugging her closer.
“But it’s still not the same as the way you felt with Hades. You were happier with him.” She brushed her fingers across my cheek, before she pressed a chaste kiss to my lips. “I’m going to go sleep in another room. Should I send someone in for you? Maybe that new servant boy, Jasper?”
“Don’t tease me.” I scoffed.
“I think he’d be more then happy to pleasure you,” She teased. “He’s got really nice hands –I noticed when he was doing the ironing the other morning.”
“I don’t want Jasper,” I shook my head.
“I know you don’t want him,” She sighed, turning to light one of the lamps near the bed and casting a low glow over the room. “But…you’re to pig-head to go and get what you really want.”
“He doesn’t want me anymore, he’s already replaced me.”
“My brother didn’t replace you, Marius. I wish you would stop saying that.” She shook her head. “He moved on. You said you were done with him, and Thanatos was willing to fill the hole you left in his heart. He’s not quite the perfect fit, but Hades enjoys the time he spends with him.”
“Fuck Hades –and Thanatos. I don’t need them, as long as I have you.” I wrapped my arms around her waist and buried my head into her stomach. She felt soft and delicate. It was nice, but she was right…she wasn’t what I wanted.
“Cad,” She sighed, running her fingers through my hair. “You know this was a marriage of convenience. We shouldn’t have lead Hades to believe otherwise.”
I turned my face back up to hers, “Why are you so concerned about Hades all of a sudden?”
“Because I can tell that you aren’t happy…and Thanatos stopped in yesterday…he took Jacob.”
“Hmm, yes.” I nodded. Jacob had died the previous day. He had been rather ill for the last couple of weeks, and of course he had been ageing (to me, anyway) at an alarming rate. I would miss him, his company, and his loyal, dutiful personality.
“I asked him if he was staying with Hades now…he said he wasn’t.”
“I don’t want to know about their relationship, thanks. I am perfectly happy to stay in the dark.”
“You know if you wanted to, he would take you back in a heartbeat. He has less to do now, the resurrection schedule solidified several months ago.”
“I know that,” I shrugged. “But I don’t want him back. He doesn’t want me.”
“The hell he doesn’t. He worships the ground you walk on and you know it. You’re both just…you’re both assholes!” She spat, pushing me away. “I can’t talk to you anymore, Marius. Goodnight.”
“Hestia,” I called her back, “Wait, I’m sorry. I know I’m an ass, but…Hestia?” She didn’t turn back as she pulled her silky robe around herself. “Where are you going to go?”
“One of the guest rooms, I suppose.” She replied curtly. “Goodnight, Marius. I’ll send in one of the servants. You shouldn’t sleep alone.”
“Hestia, I don’t want—“ The door closed, cutting me off. I sighed, and laid back into the pillows, preparing myself to send away Jasper whenever he should arrive.
As had been done with Jacob, Jasper was given the express duty of being my manservant. Jacob had picked him out before his demise, and Zeus had taken the time to approve the match. He was pretty, I suppose, with thick curly black hair, blue eyes, and a caramel complexion.
“Lady Hestia said you wanted me,” He leaned shyly in the doorway. She had obviously pulled him from bed. His hair was ruffled, his clothes were slightly awry, and his feet were deliciously bare. “Or was she mistaken…again?”
This was the third time in several days that Hestia had sent him to me. It wasn’t that I didn’t like him, but it felt bizarre to take part in another noncommittal relationship.
“I’m afraid so,” I nodded. “But…” I stopped him As he began to step away and close the door. I had caught the look of disappointment on his face, and was slightly surprised by it. “Why don’t you come in anyway? Hestia doesn’t believe I should sleep alone…I am inclined to agree with her.”
“Jacob told me you never sleep,” Jasper slipped through the door, closing it softly behind him. “Or was he mistaken?”
I smiled, “I rarely slept around him –I found him to be rather untrustworthy sometimes. But I doubt you have the gall to molest a god.”
His eyes widened slightly and he shook his head, “N-No…I don’t, I mean, I wouldn’t do that, not to you –not that I would do it to someone else either.” He shook his head vehemently. “I’m sorry, I’ll just shut my mouth.”
I smiled, “No, your babbling is cute. Come sit down.” I patted the bed next to me. He sat tentatively on the edge of the bed, folding his hands in his lap. “What’s the matter?”
“N-nothing,” He shook his head.
“Oh come on,” I chided. “You look scared. How come? Do I scare you?”
“N-no…I just…I’m not sure what to expect from you.”
“Oh?” I tilted my head. “Why do you say that?”
“Jacob explained to me what my duties to you were, including being your lover--”
“Jacob wasn’t my lover, Jasper. He was someone I had sex with on a regular basis, but he wasn’t my lover. I don’t expect you will be either.”
“Exactly…so, am I just supposed to let you use me, fall in love you, even though I know you’ll never feel the same way about me? I don’t want to be whimsical or anything. I don’t expect for you to love me, but I feel as though I am cheating myself out of a productive life if I…” He stopped himself again. “No, I’m sorry. I should be happy for this opportunity.”
“Tell you what…” I leaned over, letting the covers fall around my waist as I blew out the candle, casting the room back into darkness. “We’ll try it out…if you don’t like it, if you aren’t pleased with the way it all turns out, I’ll let you go. I didn’t choose you –Jacob and Zeus did.”
“Try what?” He asked.
I laughed softly, reaching for him through the darkness and taking a hold of his arm. He moved easily into my hold as I pulled him across the bed. My lips sought out his and for the first time in years, a wave of excitement flooded over me. Whether that was excitement because I was finally having sex with another man for the first time in months, or whether I was simply suppressing true desire for Jasper, I didn’t know.
He groaned, and I knew I had held the kiss to long. His lips simply tasted divine, and I wanted to savor that flavor as long as I could.
“Hmm,” I pulled back, licking my lips. “I taste strawberries…and chocolate.”
His face warmed in a blush, and he lowered his head.
“What are you so shy for?” I asked, tilting his head back up, and kissing him again. The flavor was the same, and so much different from the wine I usually tasted on Hades’ breath, and the fruit of Jacob’s. “It wasn’t a reprimand, Jasper.”
He was silent again, and I felt his tongue move against mine just a bit.
I pushed him back into the pillows, sitting astride his hips. My palms pressed into his shoulders, holding him back. His arms raised slightly as if to push me back, but then stopped.
“You’re afraid, am I right?” I asked. My balanced my hip against his, shifting my weight so I could run my palm under his shirt and across his muscular chest.
“What is there to be afraid of?” He asked.
“You tell me,” I countered. “You are the one whose heart is beating a mile a minute.” My hand stopped over his heart, feeling it patter through his chest.
“You make me nervous, but I’m not afraid.” He shook his head.
“Why?” I tilted my head. “I’m not that different from you.”
“Maybe not physically you aren’t, but mentally and personality wise, we are quite far apart.”
“Don’t think like that,” I shifted back over him, and pulled his shirt over his head. “I don’t understand why I never get boys who are just interested in fucking. You all think this is some kind of fanciful mind game or something.”
“Shouldn’t sex be a mind game?” Jasper asked.
“No, it shouldn’t. It should be to people, some friction, and a couple of exploding orgasms near the end. No feelings need to be involved.”
“But isn’t it better if there are feelings involved?” He watched my tongue trace around his nipple.
I sighed, “You talk to much, Jasper.”
“My many pardons, m’lord. I won’t open my mouth again.”
“Hmm…I think we’ll come back to that thought in a moment.” I pressed a kiss to his lips, and was surprised by the familiar sinking in my stomach that I hadn’t felt for such a long time. I looked up at him, analyzing his face. He wasn’t unattractive by any means, but he certainly wasn’t my master. So, what exactly was it that was making my stomach churn in such a delicious way? Did my subconscious sense something that I couldn’t visually see? Was it something in the way that he smelled? I leaned back, staring at him for a moment.
“Is there something wrong?” He finally asked, after we had sat in silence for several minutes.
“I feel something for you, and that isn’t right.” I pushed off of the bed, walking away from him to pour a glass of wine. “I’m not supposed to feel anything.”
“That’s a sad way to look –why shouldn’t you feel anything?”
“Because I can’t love you!” I turned back to him, “You’re mortal! You’re sweet, and young, and kind now, but in another twenty, thirty years you’re going to get old and bitter and you’ll die on me. Not to mention the fact that you aren’t…you aren’t him.”
“Well, thank you for reminding me of my mortality. I don’t think about that enough as it is, and as for me not being ‘him’, I can only assume that you are referring to Hades, to which all I have to say is…No, I’m not.” Jasper shrugged. “Why are you so afraid of letting yourself love someone else?”
“Because he’s the only one I really want!” I wasn’t sure why I was getting so angry at Jasper. It wasn’t as if he had done anything wrong, other then have some bizarre quality that made me feel instantly head-over-heels for him.
“Do you want me to leave?” He asked, moving from the bed.
“Yes, I do,” I nodded before tipping back my glass of wine. I tried not to watch him pull his shirt back over his head and made his way towards the door.
“Marius?” He stopped at the doorway.
“What is it?” I bit.
“We like having you here and all that, but you really aren’t happy here…we’d understand why you left. There are plenty of other people who are capable of keeping us all in line.”
I mulled over what he had said after the door had shut. It was true, there were plenty of gods roaming Earth II now. I just happened to be the one that everyone looked to for guidance all of the time. Hestia was second to that effect, as she intermingled with them, but she was too gentle-hearted to order them around; not that I was cruel by any means but I was impartial to them and to their whims of fancy.
The closet door creaked open, and I hadn’t realized that I had opened the portal to the Underworld. I stared at the door an the swirling colors for a moment. Did I really want to go through? What if I went through and he was with Thanatos? Did I really want to see that? Wouldn’t it just be another dagger in my stomach; another scar on my wrist?
Then I decided, it didn’t matter if he was with Thanatos. I needed him. He had promised he would be there waiting for me and damn it, I needed him. For the first time, I was afraid. He had moved on, really and truly moved on. I knew it had been rude to tell him that Hestia and I were in love –which wasn’t completely untrue, but it was a platonic kind of love. But it had also been cruel of him to whisper such crude things to his new lover in front of me, as if I wouldn’t care.
I breathed a sigh of relief when I found that he was alone.
“Marius?” He turned from his desk, “What brings you here at this time of day? Something the matter?” He turned back, opening a desk drawer to throw something into it before closing it tightly again.
“No, not really.” I shrugged, “I guess I just, I just wanted to see you is all.”
“Oh?” He raised an eyebrow. “Something is wrong then. What is it?”
I leaned back against the wall, crossing my arms over my chest, “Jacob didn’t mean anything to me, Hades.”
“Yes, I know.”
“But, this Jasper...He is different. I don’t want to feel anything for him.” I looked up at him. “But I can’t help myself.”
“What about Hestia? I thought you were in love with her, and had given up on boys.” His tone was teasing, as though he already knew our plot.
“Don’t be stupid,” I scoffed. “Yes, Hestia and I are married and we’ve consummated, but I like men just as much as I did before.”
“Oh,” He nodded. “What really brings you here, Marius.”
“I hate it there,” I sighed, sinking down the wall to sit on the floor. “It’s bright and shiny, and has that still-new scent about it. The mortals are always asking me for things that I cannot responsibly give to them, and I am sick of being treated like their king or something. I just want to go back to the way that it was.”
“What do you mean?”
“I want to go back to being us. Just you and me, here alone, with the screaming cries of the dead surrounding us every moment of everyday.”
“You really want that?” He asked, getting up from the desk to stand in front of me.
“Of course I do.”
“I thought that you hated me,” He held out his hand, which I took, and he pulled me up from the floor. “Why put on such a charade if that’s the way that you feel.”
“You made me angry when you said we should try something new.”
“I said you should give it a chance. You’re the one that ended it completely. I was going to be content to share you.”
“Why should you have had to share me? I’m not yours to share.” I shook my head.
“Aren’t you?” He tilted his head to the side, his hands tightening around my wrist. “I thought we had already established a long time ago that you are a very valuable piece of property, Marius.”
“You’re just saying that, you don’t mean it.” I flushed red.
His smile was soft, “No, I don’t.” He brought one of my wrists to his lips. “Why don’t we just forget it? Say to hell with everyone and everything; we’ll stay here forever.”
“You always suggest that, and we have yet to actually do it.”
“That’s because you always have an excuse,” He scoffed. He pulled me closer, wrapping his arms around my waist. “Is this what you really want, Marius? To come back; be my little slave again?”
“I want you to be my master,” I confirmed. I leaned my head against his shoulder, closing my eyes to savor the warmth of his body pressed against mine. He felt so strong and familiar with his arms wrapped around me. “I…I have missed you. I thought I could live without you, but I truly cannot.” I looked up at him. “Will you take me back, or am I to late?”
He lifted his hand to brush my hair away from my face, “Marius…I don’t know.” I felt my face fall. “It hasn’t been that long, I don’t want to hurt anyone else.”
I lowered my head to his shoulder again, “You mean you do not want to hurt Thanatos, am I right? He is important to you.”
“He is,” Hades nodded. “I love him.”
I felt the tears prickle at the back of my eyes, “I understand.”
“Marius,” He lifted my chin. “I love you, I do. I want you, I’ve waited for this moment, but…I love Thanatos too. Can you accept that?”
“I do not understand,” I shook my head. “What do you want from me?”
“I want you to be one of my lovers, keeping in mind that I have another.”
“You want me to share you with him.”
“I’m not asking you to have group sex, Marius. I want you to respect that I love him almost as much as I love you –you come first, you always have. But I need him. He’s a part of my life now.”
I shook my head, “I do not think I can share you, Ma—Hades.” I stopped myself from calling him ‘that name’. The last thing I wanted him to know was that I still thought of him in that way. “And even if I was willing to, how would Thanatos react to that?”
“Thanatos knows how I feel about you. He also knows I’m a very sexual being. I don’t think that he would mind sharing, as you put it, if he knew it was with you. Besides, we spend long periods apart. It wouldn’t come as any surprise to him.”
“And would you expect us to be completely faithful to you?” I asked.
“That depends…are you going to stay here with me, or are you going to go back and keep your place on earth?”
“I…I want to come back here. I do not belong up there,” I shook my head. “I belong here with you.”
“Then I would want you to be faithful, but I couldn’t really reprimand you for sleeping with someone else.” He traced a finger across my jaw, raising my head again. “I don’t expect Thanatos to remain faithful. He has needs, and we can’t be together often enough to fulfill them.”
“This all seems a little backwards does it not?”
“You’re the one who came back, Marius. These are the terms and you can take them or leave them. You can have me, and know that I will be having someone else occasionally at the same time, or you go back to the way we’ve been these past thirty or so years, being miserable and avoiding each other.”
“Are you really miserable without me?”
“I am absolutely wretched without you.” His lips brushed mine, then fell against my cheek.
“You seemed pretty happy with Thanatos at the party,” I murmured, trying to ignore the way his hands slid underneath the hem of my shirt, brushing lightly over my skin. “You looked as if you were having a grand old time without me..”
“All for show, Marius; I was trying to make you jealous. Did it work?”
“I suppose in a way. I am here, aren’t I?”
“I thought you were here because you were afraid you were starting to feel something for someone else. Why are you so afraid of emotion all of a sudden, Marius? It seems like, since you left you hate to allow yourself to love.”
“I think you allow yourself to love too easily –I wasn’t even gone two years before you fell into this affair with Thanatos.”
“Hmm,” He nodded. “But I don’t have a problem being in love, Marius.”
“I was in love, I didn’t need to replace you.”
“Why do you keep thinking that Thanatos was a replacement for you, Marius? He wasn’t –the two of you are completely different.” He shook his head, “I love you because you are kind, gentle, sweet, shy… I love him because he isn’t you –he doesn’t need me to survive, he’s self-sufficient.”
“You love me because I am needy then.”
“Yes, I love you because you’ve always needed me, needed a strong guiding hand to tell you what to do.” His mouth found mine again, his time his tongue pressing past my lips introducing that familiar taste of wine and pomegranates to my mouth. I couldn’t suppress the moan that escaped my throat. It was completely true, and I couldn’t deny it –I needed him to order me around, to be my Master.
My arms went around his neck, and I pulled his ear to my lips, “Fuck me –punish me for everything I’ve done wrong.”
“Marius—” He started to protest, but I insisted.
“Please, I want you to. I have tried to discipline myself, but it is not the same. I need you to do it. Use me.” I looked up at him. “Please?”
“Marius, I don’t need to punish you. You haven’t done anything wrong.”
“Then do it anyway, do it because I asked you to.” My arms tightened around his neck, and he lifted me up by my hips, wrapping my legs around his waist.
“You are becoming a little masochist, aren’t you?” He teased, nuzzling against my neck before shrugging, “okay, if it will make you feel better.”
He carried me to the bed, tossing down me uncouthly. He pushed me back into the mattress. His hands carefully undid the buttons of my shirt at first before he sighed, and simply tore the fabric away. I fought the urge to protest as the torn bits of fabric were cast aside. His mouth was warm against my skin. His lips first brushed my collar and then made a trail down the center of my torso. Finally he pressed them to mine again for a moment. His tongue was gentle, lapping against my closed mouth. I turned my face away, and he grunted. His head lay against my shoulder, and he lay down half against me, half on top of me.
“What’s wrong, Marius?” His fingers brushed my forehead.
“I don’t feel it.” I whispered.
“Feel what?”
I took his hand from my face, leading it down to my stomach, “when I made love to you, my stomach used to tighten and sink, and it was always exciting. I wanted it, I was starved for it. I…” I shook my head. “I don’t feel it.”
He smiled, “Marius, it’s OK.”
“No, it isn’t! I love you! Why don’t I want you? Why don’t I need you?” My head whipped to look at him, and knocked heads with him. He grunted again, rubbing his forehead, and rolling partially away.
“Marius, relax…you’re…you’re growing up.”
“What are you talking about?” I bit. “I am immortal. I do not grow up. I died when I was 20, and that is the end of that.”
“Marius, how old are you?”
“I just told you, twenty!”
“No, Marius. You’ve existed for centuries…millennia. You spent most of those years with me, in love with me. You still love me, Marius.” He assured me. “Just like I still love you.” He rolled back, pressing our foreheads together. “We can make love, and you won’t feel that same sharp intake you used to, but it doesn’t mean that you don’t love me.”
“But I want to feel it. I felt it earlier, when I was with Jasper. Why don’t I feel it now?”
“I don’t know. We’ve spent nearly…what, fifty years apart? I know, that’ not even a fraction of our time together, but you’ve experience different people, different things.”
“I don’t want to go back there,” I hid my face against his chest.
“You have to,” he chided. “It’s your job.”
I sighed, “I don’t want to want Jasper. He’s going to die, just like the rest of them, and then I’ll have to find someone else.”
“And maybe there will be another Jasper…another mortal who makes you feel like I did. Makes you feel like Jasper does. Or maybe after Jasper dies, you’ll get those feelings in the pit of your stomach back for me.” His hand pressed against my stomach, and he felt cold against my warmth.
“I should leave,” I sighed.
“You don’t have to. It’s not morning yet. Why don’t you stay here with me tonight?” He offered.
“No…if I don’t leave now, I won’t unless you drag me kicking and screaming.” I sighed, moving away from his hands to sit on the edge of the bed. I covered my face in my hands for a moment, just breathing. “…Can I come back?”
“Marius, you can come here whenever you want. I was never barricading you.”
“What about Thanatos? What if you’re with him if I come?”
He smiled, moving across the bed to wrap his arms around my chest, “Marius, you will always come before Thanatos. Even if we’re fucking like rabbits, I will take the time to take care of you.”
I scoffed. I didn’t want to picture my master and his new lover fucking like any kind of animal. His lips pressed under my ear, “I love you Marius. I always will…and you’ll always love me. Even if you don’t feel that same spark when we touch.”
“I don’t understand these emotions,” I cursed. “I want to feel more for you then adoration! I want that lust back!”
“Lust isn’t meant to last forever, Marius.” He assured me, and I could feel myself remaining rigid at the sound of my name on his tongue, where I used to melt. Even calling Master wasn’t going to help me. “Come back when you need me.”
I stood up, his arms falling away from me, “I don’t like that you’re sleeping with Thanatos.”
He smiled, “You don’t really have much of a say in who I sleep with though, now do you?”
“I know, but I just wanted you to know that I don’t like it.”
“I know,” He nodded. “Just like I didn’t care for you sleeping with Jacob…who is very happy here by the way.”
“He is here?”
“Yes, I offered him a place in the castle. He is currently on laundry duty with James. Did you want to see him?”
“No,” I shook my head. “I didn’t feel the spark with him. I meant it when I said I didn’t love him.”
Hades smiled again, “Why don’t you go…before I won’t let you. Don’t forget your shirt.” He motioned to the scrap of fabric that was left of my shirt.
“Master?” I was at the door, the white fabric wrapped tightly in my hands.
“Yes?”
“I’ll be back…when I get that spark again.”
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